Willard (Mitt) Romney: Just one of the...

Hey, Mitt! What's happenin, bro?

Hey, I love you guys. Barkeep: buy a round for these guys. I'm unemployed just like you guys. Haven't worked for 20 years since I was at Bain & consolidated companies & laid off thousands of people. Bunch of lazy bums, anyway. Not like you guys, though. You're the salt of the earth. Reminds me - Barkeep salt on the rim, please. Damn, can't get decent help nowadays. If I ran this joint.... well, whatever.

Hey, are you guy's mortgages "Under water" Tell me about it. I got a 3rd home in CA that I can't find a fat cat to give me a home improvement loan at zero percent to double the square footage for me & the wife to spread out.Â You think that you got problems? It's brutal out there, I tell ya.

Speaking of "Fat Cats", fat-ass Newt is trying to move into my territory. He's an "Outsider" who has lived high off the hog in DC forever. They even kicked his fat ass outta there. Nobody gives me any respect. I sympathize with Rodney Daingerfield. Well, we don't talk about each other. We are united in defeating Obama no matter what the cost to the country.

Hey, barkeep: Piut it on Joe's tab for now. He just told me that he got a second minimum wage job, the lucky stiff. Tell him that I'll be back to cover it. Promise. The rest are a bunch of lazy bastards. What are they doing hanging out in this bar, anyway?

"DES MOINES (The Borowitz Report) â€“ Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney today issued the following open letter to America:

Dear American:

A lot of people are going around today saying that Mitt Romney is too rich and out-of-touch to be President. Well, I am willing to bet you $10,000 Iâ€™m not.

Iâ€™m holding in my hand a crisp ten grand note that can be yours if Iâ€™m wrong. I always walk around with a thick wad of these, just in case I need to tip a wine steward or light up a fat cigar. In a pinch, I sometimes peel one off and use it to wipe my fanny. You wouldnâ€™t think Mitt Romney would ever run out of toilet paper, but when you live in a 11,000 square foot mansion with seventeen bathrooms, believe me, it happens!

I guess you could say Iâ€™ve always been a betting man. Like earlier this fall, when Rick Perry accused me of using an illegal alien to cut my lawn in La Jolla. Why, the next day I called out to yardman, â€œJose, Iâ€™ll bet you $10,000 youâ€™re legal.â€ He didnâ€™t take the bet, because he ran away and I never saw him again. I guess betting isnâ€™t a part of his culture, wherever he comes from.

And while weâ€™re on the subject of being rich and out of touch, hereâ€™s something Mitt Romney would never do: run up a $500,000 tab at Tiffany buying diamond nipple rings for his third wife. As the kids like to say, â€œJust sayinâ€™.â€

Vote for me,

Comments: 23

Bert B. Dec 11, 2011, 9:17pm UTC

He just offered to bet Rick Perry that he didn't really want a single payer plan in Massachusetts.
Perry didn't take him up on the bet.
But it just goes to show ya that Mitt is just an ordinary guy, willing to put his money where his mouth is...and both of them are VERY large.

Kathryn Flynn Dec 11, 2011, 9:28pm UTC

Yeah, Rom said this is the best thing in MA. Then he said, oops a mistake.

Jim G. Dec 11, 2011, 9:42pm UTC

It blows my mind that they don't realize that their past comments will come back to haunt them

Gary Gentry Dec 12, 2011, 7:04pm UTC

Not until the general election, Jim. Faux News won't repeat any comment that reflects poorly. And that's the only place Republicans would hear it.

Bert B. Dec 12, 2011, 8:37pm UTC

Right, Gary. Faux News is REALITY as far as most Republicans are concerned. Anything that isn't reported there is happening on a different planet.

reply to this comment

Kathryn Flynn Dec 11, 2011, 9:32pm UTC

The Boston Globe did a series on Romney in 08. Romney's ancestors fled the law !!!! in about 1890 or 1880 and fled to Mexico, because Lincoln signed into law the bigamy act, so Romney's ancestors - alonng with a FEW but NOT the majority, FLED the law so they could avoid the consequneces.

But MOST of the polygs of the era, including MY ancestors, stayed in Utah and were eventually caught by the Feds and PROUDLY wore their jailstripes for their 6-month incarceration. My 4 g-g grandfathers were in jail for 6 mon. They were proud to stand up for their convictions against the evil enemy of the time, the FEDS.

Meanwhile, did Romney's gg-grandfather stand up for his conviction? No, like a coward, he slid between the horns of a dilemma and rode to his destiny. Those who fled to Mex were viewed as cowards, as it is true to see them as such.

Jim G. Dec 11, 2011, 9:38pm UTC

I guess that Mitt doesn't stand a chance in the South. He hasn't been "Born Again" yet. Once is enouigh for me.

Kathryn Flynn Dec 11, 2011, 9:54pm UTC

yeah, more than enough. when he gets the primary, i'm going to hit gather again with the history of the mormon church.

Jim G. Dec 11, 2011, 10:00pm UTC

Yeah, you went through that in your youth, didn't you.

Kathryn Flynn Dec 11, 2011, 10:03pm UTC

I was fortunate that I only lived in Utah and that my parents left the LDS church whiole teens, what I did not know was all the details about it. I adore my cousins and mormons are very nice people but the history is just plain weird and wrong.

Jim G. Dec 11, 2011, 10:22pm UTC

Well, I don't judge anyone's religious beliefs. I gave up on that awhile ago. None of it works for me, lol.

Bert B. Dec 11, 2011, 11:43pm UTC

I read Jon Krakauer's book "Under the Banner of Heaven" about a year ago. In fact I wrote a Gather article about it. It gives a lot of the early history of the Mormons. Like all religions, it it based on manufactured myths, but Joe Smith was a real charlatan...even changing the dictates of the religion to favor polygamy because he had the hots for some young stuff. Here's a link to my article. Warning: It's pretty strong stuff.
Religion....or Insanity?