Hey, Mitt! What's happenin, bro?
Hey, I love you guys. Barkeep: buy a round for these guys. I'm unemployed just like you guys. Haven't worked for 20 years since I was at Bain & consolidated companies & laid off thousands of people. Bunch of lazy bums, anyway. Not like you guys, though. You're the salt of the earth. Reminds me - Barkeep salt on the rim, please. Damn, can't get decent help nowadays. If I ran this joint.... well, whatever.
Hey, are you guy's mortgages "Under water" Tell me about it. I got a 3rd home in CA that I can't find a fat cat to give me a home improvement loan at zero percent to double the square footage for me & the wife to spread out.Â You think that you got problems? It's brutal out there, I tell ya.
Speaking of "Fat Cats", fat-ass Newt is trying to move into my territory. He's an "Outsider" who has lived high off the hog in DC forever. They even kicked his fat ass outta there. Nobody gives me any respect. I sympathize with Rodney Daingerfield. Well, we don't talk about each other. We are united in defeating Obama no matter what the cost to the country.
Hey, barkeep: Piut it on Joe's tab for now. He just told me that he got a second minimum wage job, the lucky stiff. Tell him that I'll be back to cover it. Promise. The rest are a bunch of lazy bastards. What are they doing hanging out in this bar, anyway?
"DES MOINES (The Borowitz Report) â€“ Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney today issued the following open letter to America:
A lot of people are going around today saying that Mitt Romney is too rich and out-of-touch to be President. Well, I am willing to bet you $10,000 Iâ€™m not.
Iâ€™m holding in my hand a crisp ten grand note that can be yours if Iâ€™m wrong. I always walk around with a thick wad of these, just in case I need to tip a wine steward or light up a fat cigar. In a pinch, I sometimes peel one off and use it to wipe my fanny. You wouldnâ€™t think Mitt Romney would ever run out of toilet paper, but when you live in a 11,000 square foot mansion with seventeen bathrooms, believe me, it happens!
I guess you could say Iâ€™ve always been a betting man. Like earlier this fall, when Rick Perry accused me of using an illegal alien to cut my lawn in La Jolla. Why, the next day I called out to yardman, â€œJose, Iâ€™ll bet you $10,000 youâ€™re legal.â€ He didnâ€™t take the bet, because he ran away and I never saw him again. I guess betting isnâ€™t a part of his culture, wherever he comes from.
And while weâ€™re on the subject of being rich and out of touch, hereâ€™s something Mitt Romney would never do: run up a $500,000 tab at Tiffany buying diamond nipple rings for his third wife. As the kids like to say, â€œJust sayinâ€™.â€
Vote for me,