My Daughter Is Afraid To Go To School

I had a lot of struggles with my daughter going to school in the mornings. I actually staying in my room some mornings and had my husband get her off to school as she gave him a much less bad time. When she was in middle school she refused to go, I decided to take her for counseling. It helped a lot. Since she is learning disabled I thought that had something to do with it in elementary school, but when she hit middle school I couldn't take the struggle anymore. I recommend counseling as she might tell the counselor if something happened and they can help her.

t seems to be the main reason for our kids avoiding school. There is a chance that his is happening, but she is reluctant to be what they call, "A snitch." Things can get worse after that. Yes, get here evaluated, but do some snooping a the school. The therapist there is kept in the dark as well.

It may be an intrusion, but I also suggest you check her emails. Believe me, I have experienced this, from both sides of the coin.

I agree with David. I would rather you look through her email and see where the problem is. At that age, it becomes a huge power struggle, where you're dealing with egos not just from peers but from administrators and teachers. I would definitely talk to the teachers and adminstrators and if that doesn't work or you don't get the answers you want or deserve, go to your school board. After all, they work for you.

I had this problem when I was a girl this was way before bulling was looked down on and I had lots of people at my school who were always bullying me to a grand extent I was a small shy child and was picked on a lot so in my high school year I was sent a tutor to finish high school and I still have nightmares of my first high school year in public school . this has profoundly effected my adult life and I went through bouts of agoraphobia when I was younger and I still hate crowds and being out of the house . I will do what TO have to but I hate it . their was no such thing as home school when I was a girl so the state provided me with a tutor because my anxiety got so bad I could not function due to the bullying and no one did anything to stop the Bullying back than this was in 1973.I am the person I am because of this horrible bullying I was subjected to from grand-school to high school when it escalated. Taking you daughter to counseling is a good idea but its not going to stop the fear she has someone is targeting her and she is probable afraid to say who it is because she is worried that she would have to go back to that school and face everyone she told on and you would never get all the people involved . Bullies have friends and if the main person is found out and punished the other will take up the cause and it will be worse . education is very important and I see what you mean about worrying about her studies but believe me she is feeling cornered right now and pushing her to go back to this environment may cause even worse problems. I attempted suicide twice before someone would take me out of the school and give me a tutor I was 13 and 14 at the time and got my tutor at 15 . what ever you decide I hope she get passed this this sort of thing can stay with you forever Im 51 and it still bothers me its not something you just forget about , this kind of thing can set the stage for someones life it has effected mine a whole lot . I will pray for your daughter and hope you are able to resolve this problem

something is wrong,, maybe get a family memeber or friend to confide into,, hope this get better fast

Something is going on at school. Just the question is, what? Our school has a home school program and you still graduate with your class. Peers can be very cruel, whether it is bullying or doing something to embarrass them. Does she have a close friend that might be able to tell you or even give you a hint of what is going on?

She has pretty much stopped hanging out with all her friends except for one. She has online friends she talks all the time so I am considering going through her internet to figure out what is going on. Of course she is home now and will be home again tomorrow. Weather she goes to school on Friday or not will depend on how the evaluation goes tomorrow.

Maybe one of her friends is mad at her for something and giving her a hard time, and turned others against her. I would definitely check it out . I would also check to see if your school has the home school program, just as an option. You would not have to let her know that you did.

I know a couple of them started smoking and doing drugs. My daughter was very upset about this. Her best friend is moving to Mexico at the end of the school year and she is trying to separate herself from her because she doesn't want to deal with the pain of losing her. I have tried to tell her she will feel worse if she doesn't spend time with her before she leaves. I do have a son who is a year younger that goes to the same school and is adjusting very well. He is clueless as to what is going on with his sister as well. My daughter has told me that there are some people that she went to elementary school with who still tease her about things she did when she was younger. I also know some boy said some really mean things about her last week really loud so she could hear him. So I do know a bit of what is going on, but she says other than that one incident with that boy she hasn't really had any problems with anyone recently. I am sure it has to be more than that though.

That is sad. This morning there was an article about a teen at a high school around here, committing suicide, which they are thinking was from bullying. On the side of the article, was this, I thought maybe it would help.

KNOW THE SIGNS

According to StopBullying.gov, these are some signs your child may be being bullied:


» Coming home with damaged or missing clothing or other belongings.

» Complaining frequently of headaches, stomach aches or feeling sick.

» Changes in eating habits.

» Losing interest in school work or friends.

» Being afraid of going to school or other activities with peers.

You must do everything you can to find out what is going on, Rae. Even if it means going through her computer/phone. Best of luck, my dear, and I hope it gets resolved soon.

It sounds like someone or some group of students are bullying her. For many reasons, I was bullied when a child into teenhood in school and it does leave it's mark. I have panic disorder which developed in adulthood but I do think much of it had to do with the way some had treated me in the past. I normally don't agree with invading a teen's privacy but in this case, I think it is important you find out what is going on. Counseling is a very good idea. One thing, don't let her let the fears consume her to the point she does not want to go out. From my own experience it is easy to start avoiding the things we fear or cause us panic and soon our world becomes very small. Good luck to you and her.

Rae, Boy, This is a Tough One! I'm glad that you have an appointment tomorrow with the
Therapist. I Hope she will confide in her or him.
I Pray that this will get settled quickly.
Blessings, Friend!

My heart goes out to you and your daughter. As you know I am a teacher and have 4 children. 3 of my 4 children graduated from public high school. My youngest was home schooled. I support both approaches to education. There are some wonderful homeschool programs via the net and most communities have awesome support groups that include all of the social parts of growing up with more adult support. Colleges look at attendence records which you keep and ACT?SAT scores. They may ask for a portfolio of her work but colleges actually look quite favorably on students who are homeschooled. It can cost some but you can get curriculum less expensive on line. Hope this helps. I must tell you that I am impressed by home schooling,hope this helps. My best to you both.

Thank you Kevin that is good to know about home schooling and knowing you as a teacher support it is comforting. She really is a very smart girl. She is also very sweet and level headed.

From what I have read of your writings about her she seems to be, please know that you are not alone. Whatever I can do to help I want to, even if it's research. What shre has in her favor is that she has such a good caring, loving Mom. Take care of you.

Oh, my!

Sounds like she wants to run away from the problem rather than face it. High school is very tough. If she is having problems with certain classmates she needs to speak up.

So sorry this is happening, good luck with her.

I am praying that you find out what is going on!

I cannot add any more than you have heard already. Our district has an "alternative school" on campus where students apply, then work at their own pace. I also know many home school people. I also know that many home schooled students excel in college.

Oh no :( I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your daughter. I hope everything gets worked out soon. I know I didn't have the best high school experience either and also went through a phase when I wanted to be home schooled or switch schools, but you grow out of it. High school is tough the first couple years, but then finally you sink into the swing of things, and realize high school can also be a lot of fun; between the pep rallys, football games and things of that nature! Again good luck and keep us updated!

Ah, the joys of public school... Yes, something bad is happening. It could be another student or students and/or teachers. It could be emotional, physical or even sexual.

If she wants to be home schooled, why not? Laws vary by state, but those are easily accessible on your state's department of education web site.

Your daughter is already getting plenty of "socialization." That's why she's having problems. If you want for her to get positive social interaction, there are plenty of opportunities for that--church, community theater, getting a part-time job, Rotary, Toastmasters, Junior League, Girl Scouts... Honestly, I will never understand the B.S. about children "needing" public schools for "socialization."

Of course, I'm not advocating simply removing her from the situation and not addressing the issue. Yes, she needs out of the situation. However, she will also likely need therapy to deal with whatever trauma she has undergone.

As for college, colleges tend to love home schoolers. I attended college with several students who had been home schooled; they were far better prepared for college than many of us who had gone through the public school system.

Colleges recognize that home schoolers tend to be better educated, more focused and better behaved than students coming from public schools.

Gather ate my previous comment.

As I was saying, you don't need boxed curriculum. It's generally a waste of money. Buy an appropriate math textbook on Amazon or a similar site. Plus, there are many free resources online and at your local library.

PBS is a great starting point. NPR is another excellent tool. Add a book of Shakespeare's works to your home library. Take her to the local museums. Eventually, you will figure out what works best for her.

I've given home schooling a lot of thought, because I intend to home school all of my (future) children. I've looked at the laws of the states in which I've lived or considered living in, read books on homeschooling, taken note of great resources (such as manga that teaches physics, statistics and other subjects).

I have experience tutoring children. I am a good tutor, and I know that helping to guide my own children on their educational journeys will be a lot more fun than tutoring. I envision a lot of trips to museums, parks, etc. :-)

Oh, and MIT's Open Courseware is very useful. Stanford has something similar. I've heard some buzz about Khan Academy's resources as well (2600+ videos on a range of subjects).

Thank you Heather for taking the time to leave such a well thought out response. We will likely end up home schooling her but I do want to get to the bottom of what is going on at school.

Addressing the issue is definitely important. Like I said, she will likely need therapy to address the issues.

Part of the reason I mention community groups in which she could get involved is because I wouldn't want for her to use home schooling as a way to feed the beginnings of agoraphobia. Not being confined to a public school schedule will allow her more flexibility to get involved with the community and have positive interactions with people.

Home schooling really does allow for youth to have the chance to be active, productive, engaged members of their communities. That isn't to say that all home schooling parents understand this. As with most things in life, there are the good and the bad.

However, if done properly, home schooling strengthens family bonds and encourages young people to truly be engaged in their communities. It also allows them the flexibility to pursue their passions. I've even heard of home schooled teens who built their own small businesses before ever even going off to earn a college degree.

Hope she gets the advice or comfort that she needs.

hope everything gets worked out soon

Sorry about your daughter. Hope you can find out why she doesn't want to go

It sure sounds like something happened. Hope you can get her some help

Wow.. Wait and see what the therapist suggests and support her. Whatever the case, remember she is not you.. therefore the way she handles things will be different than what you would do.
Be prepared to seek a therapist for yourself too... your own therapist can give the tools to work with your daughter.
As for home schooling.. there is plenty of info online and the school counselor will also have that information for you. Your district may have a program in place already. As for colleges, the diploma will reflect the school district she graduated from. And should she attend a 2 year college first, it is even less of a big deal where she attended high school.

Keep us posted! Hugs to you both.

I feel so sorry for you all. I guarantee you that something is going on in the school. It could be bullying or something like that. I was bullied in school and made good grades and never missed a day of school. I hated going though because I was scared to death every day.

So sorry ... for you both ... but you seem to be doing everything possible to help your girl ... & you know it will get better for you both once she does confide in whoever she can. It is painful on all ends & I know it will work out for you both. I can hear the love & concern in your writing & I know your girl must be hurting about not being able to be upfront with it all right now --- but she will come around. Let us know how this turns out - we are all praying the best for you both & the rest of your family together!

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I'm really worried about her. I hope she is okay and nothing bad happened to her. I wish she didn't have to go through this.

good luck I hope you can get to the bottom of things and find out what is wrong.

something did happen and you do need to get to the root of the issue before any decisions are made about her schooling. I'd talk to her friends or the parents of her friends and see what you can find out.

My daughter is the same age, and Angela has begged to be homeschoole also. We've made the decision that she needs the public school (as we can't afford private), as it offers some things homeschooling can't.

Homeschooling is difficult for some kids and it takes a lot of discipline. My son was homeschooled, but he also attended a homeschool school. The public schools left him bored and he needed a challenge. He had lots of friends at the homeschool school, so he didn't lack anything socially. His ACT and SAT scores were very high, but he is just a smart child....the homeschooling didn't make him any smarter.

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It's good to get an eval. Home schooling would be bad, you're right. If she doesn't want to do anything socially now, the last thing she needs to do is be secluded. She'll just regress further and further. I remember being a shy person who hated going out. My parents were right in making me go to youth events and other things. It's too easy to become permanently anxious about everything.

Homeschooling her would not rob her of social interactions, it would just allow for more varied social interactions. I'm not trying to persuade you for or against that route, just letting it be known that by far this the most common of reasons why homeschooling is not a good option is not really a reason at all. I am a homeschool graduate. All my life as I was growing up people acted like they pitied me for the lack of socialization that I was getting. However, I have not once felt robbed of social interactions. During my school work I had a clear head to focus on just my work. I often got it done in just a few hours rather than the whole 6-8 hours that it would have taken me in a public or private school. I spent a lot of time with my siblings there were 7 of us so the range of ages I had to learn to get along with was varied. I spent time with my parents... my grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles. And I had a few friends from church that I often talked to or went to their houses to spend time with them. Even if I hadn't have grown up in church there was the local homeschool group, piano lessons, college classes (homeschooled kids have the option of taking community college classes earlier compared to their public and private school counterparts) I hung out at the library a lot and was friends with all the managers there. I ended up getting my first job there.

Another thing people feel sorry for me for is that I didn't have a prom. Honestly I don't feel I lost too much there. We had friends that would host dances at their homes all the time when I was a teen and I often got the chance to dance usually old fashioned square dances, but boys would ask to dance with me and it didn't have the pressure of a date feel. In fact if no boy would dance with me I'd dance with my brother or one of my girlfriends. To be honest I think it's good that I didn't get much chance to be alone with a guy in my teen years because I was boy crazy even then. I ended up staying a virgin till I was 18 and I know if I'd been in public school and gone to the prom and all that... there is no freaking way I'd have lasted.

I also feel because my social pool was more varied than just classmates I was able to stay away from drugs and focus on my studies.

Again this is not to say that homeschooling is for everyone. Not by a long shot. I sent my own daughter to public school. Not because I was worried for her academics or her social skills. But, for my own sanity as a single mom. My own family felt that they had let me down somehow by homeschooling me. My ex fiance had just run off and I knew that when the going got tough there would be no one to hug me and help me through. So, I did the next best thing. I indoctrinated my daughter as to the values of a good education, the importance of reading, the dangers of choosing friends based on looks or popularity. She is a fairly adjusted child. She is in the gifted program at her school and she has friends that are much like the friends I had growing up.

Even so, my boyfriend now has been made to fully understand that if we EVER had a child together that child would be home educated. : )

I realize I'm commenting on an old post/comment, but AMEN! I'm a homeschooler and my kids are far more well-adjusted than most of the public school students I know!

Rae,
I realize this is an old post and I'm not sure how this all worked out for you. But, colleges are now starting to RECRUIT homeschooled students because they've learned that homeschoolers have a love of learning that has been fostered rather than just having data fed to them to memorize for a test. Homeschoolers are far more likely to be able to think outside the box because they are allowed to pursue whatever interests them (along with doing necessary requirements). Homeschoolers learn to interact with all different ages rather than just their own classmates.

I'm not trying to convince you to homeschool either. Just pointing out that it's not what most people think it is. I would guess that your daughter was being bullied. There's a young gal (13) who just joined our homeschool group this year because she was bullied so badly last year. She ended up in the psych ward of a hospital multiple times because she was so afraid/depressed. Now she's this happy, vivacious girl who is thrilled to be making new friends who are nice to her!

I sincerely hope this situation has been resolved. Only you can determine what path is best for her but want to put this comment on here in case others come across it and need some input in a similar situation.

Anyone reading this - PLEASE feel free to contact me if you have ? regarding homeschooling. It's not for everyone, but it's a great option for many.

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