Random Musings -- News -- Notes
Elf on a Shelf: Recently saw this Christmas Kit for sale on both Amazon.com and on a TV ad.
What it is: A doll, fashioned to be either a male or female, you can order a light or dark skin-toned elf, depending on your position on race-bigotry and/or sensitivity. (Can you TELL this is a Hallmark / Disney kind of idea?)
Purpose: The child is encouraged to “behave” or be reported to Santa.
Who buys this? Christians, with children, who believe in Santa Claus.
The Concept: Mom (or dad) sets this doll up on the fireplace mantle, on the bookshelf, or in the child’s room. This doll comes with a story book that explains that the elf will be watching the child, and reporting data on activities, behaviors, etc. to Santa on a daily basis. (I’m sorry, but does this seem slightly creepy to anyone else???) In order to successfully “fool” the child into thinking that the day’s report was actually physically given to Santa (guess Santa & elves don’t use 4G reporting capability…) the parents must move the doll to a new location every evening while the child sleeps.
I would like to propose several optional alternatives, besides the standard duo: race and gender.
The Out-of-Town Weekend Doll: This multi-unit wireless, multiple interface dolls (5 dolls per set) will be set up to look like Sleeping Beauty in a glass coffin for the daughter’s bedroom, or be “disguised” as a Hummel figurine of “Father Fishing with Son” for the boys’ rooms; a Franklin Mint Plate, for the dining room wall; a Precious Moment’s Angel (Or Kitchen Witch) for the kitchen, or as a family picture frame you can hang in the hallway of your home. Audio/video feed will be sent in bursts from the home, to the wireless device of the parents.
The Fidelity Doll: The Fidelity doll will record and report any activity taking place in any/all bedrooms over the course of the entire night, and report this information to whoever purchased and/or paid for the license. Multiple “costumes” are optional for this model.
The NSA Doll: The NSA doll will report any holiday party conversations directly to the NSA organization. Doll should be stationed fairly closely to the punch bowl, or egg nog pitcher. Optional live feed for back deck, barbeque area, and the “Hey, let’s go smoke in the garage” conversations.
St. Christopher Model: Buy this for your teen drivers (or for that straying husband…) This Doll has two styles: The upright doll, to be mounted on the dashboard for all to see, or the VISOR model, which clips to the driver’s side sun visor. This doll will record GPS coordinates for every stop lasting more than 4 minutes. Models can also be ordered with conversation-recording options, so any dialog, from food orders at fast food joints, to hey, I want to buy a $100 rock… will be transmitted to the purchaser of the license via live feed—in real time.
Book Bag Dealie-Bop Doll: Great for Pre-School Students! Fashioned to look like a Transformer or a Big Busted Barbie. You can attach this doll to your children’s book bags, and get live feed, or on demand feed and listen in on how the teacher talks and interacts with children. Added bonus: As most book bags are consigned to the cloak room, a high distance, noise reduction device has been added to this doll. The same technology is available in pencil boxes for elementary kids; middle-schoolers have the Framed Mirror for hallway lockers; for high school / college kids: we can monitor via charm bracelets and his/her wrist watches, earrings, and/or christian crosses in gold, gold plated, and silver toned models. (Semi precious gems representing the birth month of the child are extra.)
Inquiring-Minds Spouse Kit: Not sure if he’s cheating on you with the male/female secretary? This finely crafted desk set with a high quality Mont Blanc pen/pencil set, clock, (post it notes option available) will allow you to monitor on-desk sex events, under desk (audio only) sex events, and can be used to monitor all conversations held in the office. The deluxe office set model is also available, which includes a stylish office clock which can be hung in the copy or supply rooms.
Makes you look around your house in a whole new way.