I can't be the only person this annoys!

Sometimes people like to give rather than receive which could be the case with your brother. Other people like to show off their wealth. When my grown children bring home someone at Christmas I always try to have something under the tree for them. I do not expect anything in return but do not want the guest to feel left out. I will never forget the first year my oldest brought someone home. We gave him a stocking filled with little stuff and yes we did say it was from Santa. He seemed to get real emotional about it and I worried that I had hurt his feelings somehow. We later found out that he had always wanted to hang up a Christmas stocking but his mom felt it was ridiculous. He was later put into foster care and his holidays were not always pleasant. I can understand why you would feel funny being put in a similar situation but try to just accept the gifts in the spirit of the holidays and don't look for hidden meanings.

That's awesome, Linda. I remember going to see my step-niece, and giving her a big bag of stuff. I think there might have been $100 worth of fun in the bag, but I'd have paid $1 million just to watch her open it!! :)

I'll never forget the year I got abandoned for Christmas. I was 17 and I had just gotten off work at my very first job at the library. I showered and dressed as comfy as possible and when I walked into the kitchen no one was there. But, a note was on the kitchen table from my Dad saying that the rest of the family was going to a hotel with an indoor pool but since I wasn't ready in time I couldn't go. They would be gone all weekend. I remember feeling so dejected. Because we didn't celebrate Christmas and my Grandparents lived on one side of us and my Aunt and Uncle on the other side... but a lot of good that did me since they celebrated and would be busy with festivities. I went out to feed the chickens and the dogs and went back inside to read a book. I guess my Granny saw me go feed the animals and realized I was home alone. A few minutes later my Auntie called me and told me that she had my birthday present but I had to come to Granny's to get it. I laughed at her and told her she did get me a birthday present that year already. "So, it's a Christmas present. I won't tell your Dad if you don't. No one should be left alone for Christmas whether or not the observe the Holiday." So, I spent the weekend with my Grandparents and with my Aunt and Uncle. Everywhere I went with them people had a gift for me which I thought was odd considering I was a last minute guest. Later I found out that this side of the family always purchases one extra gift and brings it out in case an unexpected guest arrives. I never told my parents that I didn't sit at home and wallow in misery that year. Neither did the rest of the family. Even though I have a picture to this day of me and my Granny together for that Christmas. The biggest gift that year was not the gifts. It was being included. I could have lived without Christmas. It was my parents and siblings packing up and leaving me for a whole weekend that hurt. But, it was made up for by the extended members of the family stepping in and including me.

Kimberli.

Awesome example of not letting your pride get the best of you, and look at the wonderful thing that happened, as a result!!

I know what you mean.

Ever notice how Christmas either brings out the best in people, or the worst in people?

It brings out the stress in some, I think. And then in others it's all beauty!

Yeah. It seems it's either one or the other. I've never met anyone who was "neutral" when it comes to Christmas.

Walker and I have a way of acknowledging the stress, and then covering it in beauty. Our new tradition is to leave town on Christmas morning! :) Last year we went here:

www.grandhoteltoronto.com

And stayed for two days!!!

Hehe, have you seen the movie "Four Christmases"? I forced my boyfriend to watch it with me today and we laughed through the whole thing!

No, but I bet I can find it on iTunes, or Netflix.

You really want my honest opinion on this one?

I think you're being over-sensitive, and thus, giving them too much power!!!!

First of all, the only one who can make you look inferior, is YOU!!! If they tell you not to get them anything, and you don't, then you are listening to them, and they have no comeback. Have any of them ever given you flack for NOT giving them something? If that were to happen to me, I'd say "you told me not to." As for them giving you something, I hate Christmas turning into a competition, and I REFUSE to allow that to happen.

One year Dad proposed that the adults do a gift draw. Adults were everyone born before 1985, so my sister, myself, three other cousins, step-bro and step-sis, Dad and step-mom, three Aunts/Uncles, the grandparents.

Each cousin would get a gift for her parents, and the grandparents. Getting something for the next generation of children was optional. As for the rest of the gifts, Dad was going to give us a $100/$200 spending cap, and we'd all draw a name, and pick a gift.

Sis, cousins, and I shot that idea right down, because to us $100-$200 was A HELL OF A LOT OF MONEY!!!!! One could not hide the fact that Dad's generation had more money than we did. Also, that was way too much pressure on us. What if I drew Uncle Laurence, for example, and my effort was the ONLY gift he received from the ENTIRE FAMILY, minus his wife and daughter? I think Dad drew his name that year, and got him a George Forman Grill. Yeah right, Walker and I don't even have one of those!!!!! The best I could really do for him, would be a cappuccino maker cheap on eBay! LOL. so a gift that was worth about $100, but that I probably only got for $20, and not even knowing if it would work, since it was from eBay, for crying out loud.

The five original cousins got together and had a conference call. My sister had a mortgage to pay, my oldest cousin had student loans, I'm on disability, my next cousin also had student lowns, and so did my youngest cousin.

Dad saw our points of view, and so did the Aunts, and decided that the gift draw would be for their generation, only. OK, whatever. :) Dad tried to make the point to me that "instead of people getting a bunch of stupid little things...." Ummm... stupid little things? I'm sure he didn't mean it that way, but I like to take people literally, so they'll KNOW I've heard them, and they'll KNOW when they've swallowed their feet. LOL

The cousins are all grown up now, so I get "family" gifts. A couple of years ago, my friend on Gather Savo Heleta (sheleta.gather.com if you're interested) published an AWESOME book about his life growing up and escaping the war in Bosnia. Being an author myself, I know how important it is to sell books, and since it was a book I loved, I wanted to make sure that my family read it, and that Savo got lots and lots of royalties.

Fortunately, I'd earned a ton of Amazon cards from various sites, so the books would not cost me anything. I got:

a book for Aunt Sue's family (Aunt Sue, and two of my cousins)
Aunt Nancy's Family (two step-cousins who were entering high school along with my Aunt and Uncle)
A book for Aunt Janet's family (Aunt Janet, Uncle Laurence, and my last cousin)
One for Dad & Barb
One for the Grandparents
One for my step-bro
One for my step-sis

Those seven books only cost me about $20 since I had a ton of GC's.

Now, I would rate Savo's book "PG 13" because the people of Canada have not seen what he saw growing up, and knowing my Dad's family as I do, Step-bro and Step-sis would not be reading his story to children 8 and under....although many 8 and under LIVED through it, but don't get me started on the way people are coddled on North America...

So I sent smaller gifts to the kids.

Oh, did I mention, this was the year when after buying all the gifts, Walker and I I UN-INVITED to Christmas?

Now I only send gifts to the post-1985'ers, the grandparents, and Dad, which is ironic because he's the Christmas patriarch, and it all happens at his place. Last year Walker and I sent a picture of us, in a $1 frame, but it was one of those "the thought that counts" gifts, that would make people wonder why we weren't there. :) I think this year we'll send him a photo calendar, or something. :) Yeah, I know I'm evil. It's a Danish thing. We do evil deeds nicely (like in WWII when my maternal grandfather "befriended" the Nazis, to earn their trust, get them drunk, and then dump their drunkin bodies in the woods where they'd never find their way back to the cities, giving him and the rest of the Danish resistance a chance to get the Jews to neutral territory...)

Last year for Christmas Dad sent us a couple hundred bucks, and he sent me $100 for my birthday. We write him a thank you letter on the stationery of the hotel where we spent Christmas, thanking him for contributing to our vacation fund (the Danish way of letting him know that the un-invite to Christmas wasn't as devastating as he hoped it would be!!) and on my birthday I called him from my new iPhone, and raved about how the money in the card came at the PERFECT time, as my old cellphone had crapped out, and I desparately needed a new phone, but didn't think I could get one till the end of the month. Yeah, a little tiny ego boost there. :)

The thing about family is you have to know how to play the game!!! Your bro wants to give you expensive gifts? Don't take it personally. Give him a great big kiss and a hug, and let him know that his generosity is appreciated, and all you can afford are hugs, kisses, and love, but as you all know, those things are absolutely priceless, and no matter how little money you have, you will ALWAYS be able to love your brother at Christmas, and all throughout the year. Let's see your family make you feel guilty after THAT!!! :)

Mind you, I don't know your brother, but for ME there is a certain pleasure in giving special gifts.

On Nov 11th, I gave my Grandpa a little bag of jelly beans. I was in a sentimental mood, and remembered eating jelly beans with him when I was a kid, and him going into the hospital for a little operation. Mom bought me jelly beans, and told me to be sure to "save one for Grandpa." I saw the jelly beans at the florist, thought of that, and thought I'd get him some. Grandpa was happy for them, but not overly expressive, because of the medication. However, Grandma was there later in the day, and when I talked to her that night, she raved on and on about how the flowers were the colour of the Canadian flag (that was my point!) and worked well for Rememberance day, and how the jelly beans were really really special.

It sounds like you might be able to play your cards right with your family by thanking the one-uppers for their generosity, and then innocently expressing how you are doing your best with sentimental things (pictures? Jelly beans?) and then when they complain about it, they look like asses, not you.

When your family starts acting like (I won't use the word!), imaging you're a member of the Danish resistance. Your country is small, and you have to defend it, but how? Be so nice to them, that they won't know how to handle it!! :) Don't let them manipulate you, and don't even think of what they're doing as manipulation. If they try to up the ante with expensive gifts, up the ante with inexpensive sentimental ones!!! :)

This year, I'm going to take another page from my Morfar's (Danish for Mom's Dad's) book, and send Dad's family a BIG bottle of Sljivovica. I'm NOT going to tell them to drink it out of shot glasses. :) Someone's going to fill a glass, down it in one shot, and then the party will REALLY start!!!! tehehehehehe *grin*

Thanks for putting this in perspective for me. I guess it really makes me realize that it's my pride that's hurt more than anything. This particular brother and I have had our grievances (like when he kicked me out because my sisters boyfriend stole my purse and he thought it was irresponsible of me to let that happen.) But right now he is the only sibling I have that I can hang out with. Mostly because we are in the same boat with our mother who thinks that adult children that live on their own with college educations that stay off drugs are not as decent of human beings as her 20 year old that is addicted to crack and lives at home is. Hahaha. I do have a gift for him and his wife. I just need to not feel so bad if he gives me something that costs more.

I wish I had as decent a family history as you. Lol My Grandpa did some research on our family history and it's not so pleasant. I don't know about the Canadian side, but there are a lot of serial killers and vagabonds on the U.S. side of things!

Now that I think of it, I had similar problems as this last year. Didn't I? One day I'll grow up!

PRIDE! LOL The word I didn't think of, but described, perfectly. LOL I guess I have a way of doing that.

Funny thing is that my father, great man that he is, has pride that will be wounded VERY EASILY, whereas my mother often leans to the "too humble" side. My Mom's not overly religious, but her married-family is. Know what I mean? Old order Mennonite, and some more modern. Mennonites and Amish really don't believe in pride. Though my Mom caters to the conservatives more than I do, we pretty much have the same attitude towards pride.

"The smaller you make your pride appear, the less easily it can be wounded. Save your pride for those who deserve to bask in it!!!!"

I'm always bragging about Morfar as a member of the Danish resistance, I had plenty of wonderful things to say about Grandpa in WWII, and in my previous articles I think you know how I feel about my family when I talked about how excited I was when I heard they were coming to town.

I'm proud of the fact that I have such a sentimental family (most of it!).

I have a really hard time dealing with people who's pride can be wounded so easily, because IMHO, those are the people who complain the most...not that you don't have a good reason to complain. Your family members are candidates for commitment! :) What I mean is that the ones who's pride is wounded so easily seem to be the ones who are the most insecure about themselves.

If someone were to ask me what I am the most proud of, when it comes to myself, I'd have to say "my independence!"

Christmas gets me down sometimes, because of some family politics on Dad's side, and how my mother caters to the religion of the people on her side, something she never did when her parents were alive. I'm proud of the fact that when I was feeling like SHIT the other day, all it took to cheer me up were two peanut butter cookies, a mocha latte, and some old songs by a group that my Grandmother and I both enjoyed, to totally swing my mood in the other direction. Actually it only took the one peanut butter cookies to cheer me up, but it tasted so good, I could not resist another one. haha

I'm proud of the fact that my emotional well-being does not depend on how I am treated by others.

A couple of years ago, I accidentally PISSED Dad off beyond reason, and he retaliated by deciding not to send a birthday present. My response? "What the Hell. Walker's going to spoil me absolutely rotten!"

AND HE DID!!! :)

When Dad paid for my new phone last year, I didn't see it as him earning extra points, I just added it to my "feel good" list of nice things that happened on my birthday. He got another point on the "sentimental" list. For what it's worth, as crazy as my relationship with my Dad has been over the years, he's gotten A LOT of points on that list!!! A few examples:

1992 New Year's Eve- Mom and Dad had just separated a few days before, and Mom took a little mini vacation. Dad and I had an AWESOME New Year's Eve together. Mom had given him a new CD for Christmas that he really wanted. She initiated the separation the day after Christmas not to get gifts from his family, but so Christmas would not be ruined for Becky and I. Hell, if Mom wanted to screw up Christmas, I doubt she'd have put so much thought into her last Christmas gift to Dad. The marriage wasn't working anymore, but she still cared about him, as a human, and knew what he's like. It was a wonderful CD, and when I hear those songs, I still think of the wonderful New Year's Eve with Dad.

2001- Dad gives me a big box of old records. He probably paid $5 for them at a garage sale, but that's just fine, because WHERE ELSE would a person get a box of 200 old 78 RPM records? Certainly not in a friggen modern music store! :) That was an example of priceless-meets-sentimental.

1987- Dad takes me to the cottage for the weekend, and carries me everywhere, since I had surgery on my legs, and would not be able to walk for about six months. We had a great time!!!!

There were a lot of other trips up to the cottage, just the two of us, and they were all wonderful.

If I allowed pride to get in the way, I would not be able to have pulled those examples out of my hat, so quickly. Yeah, there's family politics up the wazoo, but there's a lot of other great stuff mixed in there too. Don't let your pride get in the way, it'll just cause problems for you.

Thank you for all the stories. I enjoy reading the little tidbits you are willing to offer up as examples. I think I would get along with you and your Dad really too. You mom and I might have friction but only because uber humble people are the kind I grew up around and when the family blew up when it did I came to realize that sometimes humility is just pride in quiet clothing. Now I surround myself with loud rambunctious people that speak their mind and sometimes interrupt loudly to be the first heard. Sure sometimes I want to pick up the nearest skillet and bash them upside the head. But, when that day comes I just leave and go home and enjoy the quiet of being by myself. But, at least with the people I hang out with there are no surprises. And when they are ignorant jerks it's what is expected of them not one of those surprises that blindsides you and sends you into a emotional coma for several years.

I think your brother in enjoying himself and giving gifts that he knows you probably didn't have while growing up. He has the money now to give nice gifts, take them say thank you and let him know you appreicate them, as for your boyfriends mother put a gift under the tree from Santa (aka you) and call it even.

There have been years we have been able to go all out, and years where we didn't have anything to give, but we always have a plenty of love to give and recieve when we do get gifts from others.

Thank you for your comments. I have a feeling next year will be an even poorer Christmas for me than this year. But, I'm going to go into it knowing that and not try to go all out!

Well I would like to hear it will be a little brighter for you. Hugs hope everything is going well this year for your so far.