by Sarah A. Non Sequiturs, Digression and Circumlocution
Member since:
December 1, 2008

Hurricane Preparedness...

August 26, 2011 04:20 PM UTC (Updated: August 26, 2011 04:28 PM UTC)
views: 0 | 6 people recommend this | comments: 33

Irene is almost here! Just in case you haven't begun assembling your hurricane kit, here are some tips on what to include:

 

1) 8,000  plastic bags and 95 rolls of paper towels.

2) Your kids -- maybe.  It's up to you.

3) Copy of The Perfect Storm for info on proper drowning techniques.

4) A milk goat.

5) Auntie Em (in case Irene spawns tornadoes.)

6) FMP's - You don't want to be blown into downtown NYC in the wrong shoes.

7) Small still, potatoes, olives, funnel, ice.

8) All the cigarettes in the world, plus a flint & steel.

9) A very witty companion.  (I'm available, but only if you know how to work the still.)

10 Waterproof Snugglie in tasteful Tropical Storm Satellite Imagery print.

11) Large black umbrella and Dick Van Dyke, (this should cover #9, above.)

12) Extra-Extra-Extra-Hold hairspray.

13) CB radio and trucker to operate it.

14) Duct tape for when you can't stand to hear "Breaker! Breaker"  ever again.

15) All the chocolate produced in Switzerland in the last decade.

16) Coke Zero in handy 10 gallon pass-around jug.

17) Velcro and baling wire.  Why? Because you can fix anything with duct tape, velcro and baling wire.

18) Gourmet trail mix.

19)  A gourmet to eat the trail mix.

20) Your pets.  In plastic bags.

20) Clothing that makes you look really, really good when soaked to the skin.  Cheap tee shirts are a fave.

21) Compass, map and directions to Gather Island.

22) A fondue pot.

 

Addendum: All of PJ's novels, in waterproof covers.  How could I forget?

 

 

 

 

 

Comments: 33

Peter Joseph Swanson Aug 26, 2011, 4:22pm UTC
PJS novels!
Peter Joseph Swanson Aug 26, 2011, 4:23pm UTC
(We used to always bale with twine - that was pretty handy for other things, too)
Peter Joseph Swanson Aug 26, 2011, 4:23pm UTC
Boxed wine!
Your wish is my command. Also, the gourmet would object to boxed wine. You know how they are...
Peter Joseph Swanson Aug 26, 2011, 4:48pm UTC
To give the gourmet a total knip-fit, I also like eating spinach right out of the can!
This is why we love you.
Joann B. Aug 26, 2011, 5:10pm UTC
OMG, another person who eats cold, canned spinach???? Will you marry me?
Peter Joseph Swanson Aug 26, 2011, 6:21pm UTC
ha ha
Joann B. Aug 26, 2011, 7:24pm UTC
I'll take that as a no. (sigh)
Pam Brittain Aug 26, 2011, 4:41pm UTC
Absolutely wonderful. Love your humor.
Joann B. Aug 26, 2011, 5:12pm UTC
Almost perfect, my deah, but you know I wouldn't be caught dead at a hurricane without my inflatable flipflops!
So true. And stylish enough for the Big Apple, (Soon to be the Big Applesauce.)
Tracy Fabre Aug 26, 2011, 5:59pm UTC
#16!!!

#21!!!

Dick Van Dyke!!!

I'm in love. Possibly with you, but I can't be sure.

I believe Cosmopolitan has a quiz you can take to tell you.
aniko    Aug 26, 2011, 7:31pm UTC
It's a good thing I'm on the wrong coast--I'm so unprepared I had to look up FMPs.
It's a very useful concept as long as you don't have to spell it out.
aniko    Aug 27, 2011, 12:45am UTC
The Urban Dictionary did, though, so I'm properly enlightened.
Only the Urban Dictionary stands between me and public dorkness...
Dave A. Aug 26, 2011, 8:02pm UTC
A wind-up flashlight and something by Faulkner to inspire lengthy soliloquies with lots of subordinate clauses like those in his screenplay for Key Largo.
aniko    Aug 26, 2011, 9:03pm UTC
The wind-up flashlight I have wouldn't last a Faulkner sentence (or even one of my own convoluted sentences with multiple parentheticals (including completely unnecessary ones)) with one winding, I'm afraid. I'm guessing yours is a better design (but just in case, I think it's a good idea to include flashlight operation in the job description of the person described in #9).
Henry James has everyone beat for the convoluted sentence... I'd hate to see his instructions on using the flashlight.
Joann B. Aug 27, 2011, 11:33pm UTC
I think those instructions start, "Put out your hand, the clean hand you had just felt the unaccountable need to wash,(which hand would depend completely on which of yours is dominant, that is not to say, unkind.) and grasp . . ."
"A clean hand is a kind hand. " -- William James
JOHN BECK Aug 26, 2011, 11:20pm UTC
I would jettison the cigarettes. Number 9? I'll take Sarah or Tracy or.... #12 can be left out. She'll look great with wet hair dripping over that T shirt. I would leave the Velcro behind and substitute Vise-Grips. In fact, since we're not taking cigarettes, we'll have room for every size of Vice-Grips. With those, the duct tape and the bailing wire we can fix anything. #22: We'll need Gryere, Ementhaler, kirschwasser, mustard, white wine, cloves, nutmeg, French bread.
I'm all for Vise-Grips. I've had more pairs of them walk out of here than you can imagine. Someone there is that loves my Vise-Grips.
Debbie W. Aug 27, 2011, 10:43am UTC
Emen Thaler? Isn't that the white hip-hop guy? I'd rather have Pink, who would sing Let's Get the Party Started!
Orbus Argentum Aug 27, 2011, 12:08am UTC
I won't need 12 or 16, but if it can be parlayed into confirming Dick Van Dyke's company I'll give him my portions. Don't have any kids so that'll leave more room for the still or Mr. Van Dyke. I know people who know people in prison, so the cigarettes may be of more value than the flint and steel. I don't need #3 I am a world class bottom feeder. I no longer have any pets, but we should still have plastic bags prepared for gerbils. (when we can no longer bargain with cigarettes) Everything else, I got.
It's amazing how many places in the world use cigarettes for currency. You should never leave home without them.

I forgot to add the Glow-in-the-Dark Frisbee.
Debbie W. Aug 27, 2011, 10:44am UTC
After the hurricane, bartering will be big. The cigs, boxed wine, Vise-Grips, and perhaps, Mr. Van Dyke, will go a long way!
Orbus Argentum Aug 27, 2011, 11:41am UTC
@Sarah - Not to worry. I have the Glow-in-the-Dark Frisbee and the Light-u Frisbee.

@Debbie - Good thinking Debbie, but we'll need extra protection; everyone will want to get their hands on Dick.
Poor Mr. Van Dyke. His parents left him a double-whammy. Maybe that's why he became a comedian.
JOHN BECK Aug 27, 2011, 12:19pm UTC
I remember the WWII movies where the Yanks had cigarettes and the Krauts didn't. The weeds became valuable bargaining chips.
The French had cigarettes, but we had American cigarettes, (being from a tobacco-growing state, believe me, I know the difference.) The Gauloises may be the foulest concoction ever devised for human consumption.

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