The Bible: US Weekly Edition

New editions of the Bible include several in the format of glossy magazines, sometimes called "Biblezines."  News item.

 KING SOLOMON & QUEEN OF SHEBA LOVE TRYST!

"He gave me all I desired--all I asked!"

When the Queen of Sheba flew into Jerusalem yesterday, she was loaded down with goodies from the finest shops in her ancient kingdom.  "I wanted it to be a special weekend for me and Sol," she said as she zipped through customs.  "I brought him gold and jewels to decorate the temple, and a hot pair of boxers with little pictures of his ancestors on them--David, Jesse, Bathsheba and Uriah the Hittite.  He went absolutely bonkers!"

"You shouldn't have!"

The two washed each other's feet, then repaired to Sol's luxurious bedroom, where Hebrew gossip columnists say he has already bedded 699 wives, plus Naamah, Pharoah's daughter, his consort.  "He is so wise, it's no wonder girls are attracted to him," the Queen said.  "We have an open relationship, or as open as you can be sharing a bathroom with 700 other women."

SAMSON: I'M THROUGH WITH DELILAH!

"If I want advice on my career, I'll ask for it!"

Herculean hunk Samson left his love nest on the outskirts of Zorah in a huff the other day, emerging with a Justin Timberlake shorn-sheep look given to him at the direction of significant other Delilah while he slept.

"She thinks she's the boss of me," Samson said, referring to the "whiffle" cut that Delilah thought would revive the former boy-band singer's career.  "I'm sick of listening to the jawbone of that ass," he added as he drove off to meet with Eshtaol Super-Agent, Maury the Philistine.

"Why didn't you tell me this was a load-bearing wall!"

 MARY MAGDALENE'S LAST DITCH GIFTS FAIL TO SWAY JESUS!

Despite major PDAs at last month's STD benefit, friends say it's over!

"High five!"

A 5,000 shekel shopping spree up and down Rodeo Drive by Mary Magdalene failed to win the heart of Jesus Christ, the brooding boy genius who friends like to refer to as the "Son of God."  "I think the whole thing was a publicity stunt, like Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer," said one inside source.  "The older woman-younger man bit gets your picture in the paper, but I don't think they were ever that serious."

"Jesus Christ--look at all these photographers!"

Jesus is going into the studio to work on his New Testament, and apparently doesn't want the distraction of a romantic entanglement right now.  "I'm really into this religion thing," Jesus said in a Twitter post to fans and friends announcing the break-up.  "Maybe not as serious as Madonna, but then who is?"