'Len Maxwell: Modern Accidental Inventor: Saturday Writing Essentials

Records indicate Len was called Alva in the primary grades and Edison by the time he was in junior high school. Friend, foe and the detention teachers all thought him super inventive. Few know Len is the possible inventor of the Pet Rock. His high school shop teacher when asked about this said, ‘Yeah, that’s something he could make.’

After high school, Len needed a break from inventing, so he went fishing and sat for hours in a rowboat on a very swift turbulent river. He would drift by hamlets, villages and cities and soon people would come out to say, ‘Go Len go.’ His picture was in the local newspapers and all were surprised at his white wide eyed face. Most thought he had invented a new high powered inboard/outboard rowboat motor.

After this experience, Len moved away from the river and invented. His products never flew off store shelves, because his evil rival Thomas owned all of the distribution centers and Len’s product simply were not shipped anywhere. Len, of course took this hard, but did not again go fishing. He just decided to give up inventing. Few knew about this because nobody knew about his past creations.

I had never heard about Len, but my editor said he was a hot commodity being considered by People magazine. I looked at his picture and noticed the IV of Jack Daniels. I said, ’You’ve got to be kidding me.’ My editor said, ’He is sleeveless and does not have that underarm European look.’ I realized then Len could be on the cover of a magazine or a contestant on Wheel of Fortune.

I told my editor, ’I will seek out news of the world about Len,’ but my editor said, ‘He is rather sedentary these days. Just make sure he doesn’t want to shoot you because of questions you might ask him.’ I shivered a bit knowing this was a tough assignment, but I did my crossword puzzle and decided it was best to know nothing more about him. However, when I met him, I was surprised he looked the same as his picture.

I could see Len patriotic by his can of beer, but made my first mistake by asking if I could have one. He pulled his gun, smiled and said, ‘Don’t ask me that question  again, son.’ I thought it fruitless to protest, so I took out my notebook and said, ‘Would you answer a few questions about your latest inventions?’ Len smiled and said, ’Most men like to sit and not have to get up often to pee.’

Len went on to explain that filling a large pail with beer and putting feet in it greatly reduced the urination frequency need, plus might have the health benefit of stopping gout. I tried not to think of him as a politician when I said, ’How do you know the proper dose of beer?’ Len looked at me incredulously and said, ’When it is absorbed, it disappears.’ I thought about explaining to him evaporation, but did not want to see his gun.

Len saw me looking at the IV of Jack being dripped into his arm and said, “This might be my greatest invention of all.’ He continued, ’Our life is filled with stress and a media stressing fear and sex. We are a great nation, full of decent people non-government.’ He then looked rather blissfully and said, ’My computer has crashed.’ I said, ’Good, we can talk and we talked a bit about Aztec ruins, which led me to ask, ’Why Jack?’

Len, with rather bloodshot eyes seemed a bit slurred in speech, but spoke clearly when he told me, ’Getting slightly high helps in dealing with the stresses of modern life.’ He smiled and said, ’There’s too much strife on this planet and a constant drop of Jack keeps me feeling pleasant.’ He then informed me he was thinking of selling his idea to local distributors. I thought it wise not to mention Thomas Alva Edison.