A Man With A Plan

Thursday, 7/7/2011, my wife’s cousin’s wife came home from work to find fumes seeping from under the garage door.

He was 50.

A Man With A Plan

he was kind
loved without alloy
he was his wife's best friend
devoted in his darkness
so hard to see the sense
in this final strength
he showed
unwilling anymore
to be life's marionette
tethered to its
will and whim
an opaque night
settled in his soul
a cloying pall
swallowed him whole
no kindly words
or love so strong
to penetrate
this darkest dread
endless fear and drear
gray - gray - more gray
no silver lining seen
no end in view
so, frustrated
he orchestrated
an end of his own
breathing deep
soul sleep
his turmoil past - at last
he stopped running
but the engine
ran on

Comments: 16

Diane Huizenga Jul 9, 2011, 7:58am UTC

I am so sorry to hear this.

Barbara H. Jul 9, 2011, 11:34am UTC

and the motor ran on and the love others felt, and the sadness in wake, at the point that he left, the hearts he would take, he knew not the loss he would be to his brothers, his mind set had stopped and he went with the druthers.
I have see this loss and I think the situation is what makes the sound in the tides as they wash in their constant sadness.
Our world needs to hug more.
You've created a vivid memorial.

stephen berwaldt Jul 18, 2011, 12:01pm UTC

The funeral was a sad one...nearly 500 people...that rarely happens when one dies more or less on schedule...

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Ann Marcaida Jul 9, 2011, 3:36pm UTC

Beautiful expose and a stunning ending, Steve. It's clear that you have thought deeply about this incident.

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stephen berwaldt Jul 18, 2011, 12:02pm UTC

Thank you, Ann, fir commenting and the feature.
A sad day.

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David W. Jul 9, 2011, 9:30pm UTC

A story with two endings. One for him and the other for the rest of the world. Sadly, we all have choices and some of us make the worst of them.

Beautiful work my friend. These circumstances have touched my life a time or two. I never understood the why of it. My Twenty year old cousin's last words as they carried him to the waiting ambulance were, "Mommy, I don't want to die."

stephen berwaldt Jul 18, 2011, 12:03pm UTC

How can it be good for those you love to be bereft of the one they love in return. His note read "I don't want to put you through this anymore..."
I wonder if he's said "Oh, Shit!" yet...

David W. Jul 18, 2011, 12:10pm UTC

The curtain of guilt comes down immediatley following the act. Teh show must go on, but who wants to? My aunt and uncle never really recovered.

stephen berwaldt Jul 18, 2011, 12:14pm UTC

This sounds like something we could share an ice-cold beer over...

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Lynn P. Jul 10, 2011, 4:10am UTC

I remember the desire. I would be so pissed if my hubby did this to me. And that's the best reason I know why it's such a lousy plan. My heart goes out to you, her, her, and him. Beautifully written.

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stephen berwaldt Jul 18, 2011, 12:04pm UTC

Thank you for the wonderful comment. It's hard to imagine being in the place where this decision ever makes good sense...

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elizabeth evans Jul 10, 2011, 1:47pm UTC

I have never understood this choice some people make....they truly must reside in a dark hole when they make the decision to end it all.

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stephen berwaldt Jul 18, 2011, 12:05pm UTC

Thanks, EE for the comment and the feature...
Depression scares me...

elizabeth evans Jul 18, 2011, 7:09pm UTC

as it does me....though I must admit, I have known very few who suffer from it.

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A Man With A Plan

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