At the First Meeting of the Los Angeles Dodgers Creditors

The Los Angeles Dodgers have filed for reorganization under Chapter 11 of the Bankruptcy Code.  News item.

BAILIFF:  Oyez, oyez, oyez, whatever in the hell that means.  All rise for the Honorable Mary Beth Coolidge, Bankruptcy Judge.

JUDGE:  Thank you, and welcome to the United States Bankruptcy Court for the District of Delaware.  Please be seated.

BAILIFF:  Some of these mooks ain’t got no tickets.

JUDGE:  It’s the Dodgers, I’m not expecting a sell-out crowd–let them move down front.  Counsel?

DODGERS COUNSEL:  Your Honor, this is the first meeting of creditors of the Los Angeles Dodgers Baseball Club, the most popular baseball team in Los Angeles!

JUDGE:  I would caution you not to use exclamation points.  The stenographer sometimes takes them down as semi-colons.

DODGERS COUNSEL:  Yes, your Honor.

JUDGE:  Your client has paid the initial filing fee, but can I get one of those Manny hats with the dreadlocks as well?

DODGERS COUNSEL:  Manny quit, your honor.

JUDGE:  Why was that?

DODGERS COUNSEL:  He failed his drug test–after he stayed up all night studying for it.

JUDGE:  I always say, it’s better to get a good night’s sleep.  But I still want that hat.

DODGERS COUNSEL:  I guess I could call that an administrative expense . . .

CREDITORS COUNSEL:  Your Honor, with all due respect . . .

The Judge, as Secretary-Treasurer of the Wilmington, Del. High School Pre-Bankruptcy Club

JUDGE:  Counsellor, when people say “with all due respect” what they really mean is “none.”

CREDITORS COUNSEL:  Your Honor, any souvenirs, utility infielders or players-to-be-named later are property of the estate and should be liquidated for the benefit of creditors.

JUDGE:  You know, I always get the two mixed up.  Is the creditor the one who owes the money, or the one the money is owed to?

CREDITORS COUNSEL:  Your honor, the debtor owes money to the creditors.

JUDGE:  ‘Cause they always get it wrong in the newspapers.

CREDITORS COUNSEL:  I know–ain’t that pathetic?

JUDGE:  Is there anyone here on behalf of the fans, or will they appear pro se?

DODGERS COUNSEL:  I like how you spoke in Italics . . .

JUDGE:  I had a year of Latin in high school.

DODGERS COUNSEL:  Since Dodgers’ fans usually don’t show up until the third inning, they’ll probably be late.

FANS COUNSEL:  Your Honor, I represent the long-suffering fans of the Dodgers.

JUDGE:  And how long have they been suffering?

FANS COUNSEL:  Since that carpetbagger Frank McCourt bought the team when Bud Selig wouldn’t let him have the Red Sox.

JUDGE:  Is Bud Selig the guy in the “Who’s on First” routine?

Bud Abbott, left, Bud Selig, right.

FANS COUNSEL:  No, that’s Bud Abbott.  Your honor, attendance is down 16.7% this year, the steepest decline of any team in baseball.  And why? 

JUDGE:  Why?

FANS COUNSEL:  I’m glad you asked.  Because Mr. McCourt and his wife are fighting over them like a pet shih tzu.

BAILIFF:  You want me to remove this mook for swearin’?

FANS COUNSEL:  That’s a fancy kind of dog, dubo-head.  The ongoing divorce going on is tearing the team apart, and the fans are the ones who are suffering!

JUDGE:  On the basis of that evidence, I would like counsel for the Dodgers to tell me why I shouldn’t put the team into Chapter 7 and just liquidate them. 

DODGERS COUNSEL:  Your Honor, the Dodgers aren’t a bad team.

JUDGE:  Then why did they call them ‘Bums’?”

DODGERS COUNSEL:  That’s when they played in Brooklyn.  Here in Los Angeles the more polite term is ”Homeless.”

JUDGE:  You’re dodging my question.   

DODGERS COUNSEL:  Your honor, attendance is down because there’s so much to do in sunny Los Angeles!

JUDGE: Like what?

DODGERS COUNSEL:  There’s Disneyland, and Knott’s Berry Farm, and Rodeo Drive.

JUDGE:  How do you respond to that, counsellor?

FANS COUNSEL:  Your honor, baseball is an idyllic, pastoral sport, a respite from our hyper-active consumer society.

JUDGE:  Last time I went to a game a hot dog was $4.50 and a beer was $8.  Let’s get back to the central issue, counsellor.  Give me one good reason why I should allow your team to remain in existence, frustrating its fans, stiffing its creditors and generally running amuck making a mockery of the game of baseball?

DODGERS COUNSEL:  Just one?

JUDGE:  Just one.

DODGERS COUNSEL:  Piece of cake–if this team goes under, there goes the Dodgers-Giants rivalry.