Charlie Harper aka Charlie Sheen Dead — from Possible Car Crash

Charlie Sheen will never make it back to Two and a Half Men, no matter how much he whines—er—wins. If the presumably still-winning-but-now-goddess-less warlock ever appears on the hit sitcom again, it will be in re-run flashbacks. Or perhaps, he'll materialize as a ghost. Because his character, the messed up but funny and lovable drunk Charlie Harper, is now dead.

Reportedly, Chuck Lorre wanted to make sure that Charlie Sheen would never darken his door again, and the only way to do that was to kill off his character. On Two and a Half Men's premier episode this September, the screen "will turn dark for just a minute or two... because Alan and Jake will learn Charlie Harper bit the dust."

And how did poor Charlie expire? That is still a subject of speculation. One thing is certain: He didn't die of old age, cancer, heart attack, or anything else remotely resembling natural causes. Sources say a possible scenario under discussion involves "Charlie driving a car over a cliff." But... wait. Didn't two of Charlie Sheen's cars go crashing over a cliff on Mulholland Drive a couple of years ago? Yikes. Apparently, art really does sometimes imitate life.

At any rate, unlike Arnold Schwarzenegger in the first Terminator, Charlie Harper won't be back. Neither will Charlie Sheen. Both will be replaced by Demi Moore's hubby, Ashton Kutcher, who will probably be introduced as the guy who buys Charlie's house after his untimely demise.

Oh well, life goes on.

R.I.P. Charlie. Harper, that is.

© Hope Carson 2011

Hope Carson is the author of 2 books: A Roaring Girl: An Interview with the Thinking Man's Hooker and A Thousand and One Night Stands: The Life of Jon Vincent. You can follow her on Twitter.

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