"Cynthia's Voice" (Monday Writing Essential)

Well developed voice, Kim.
I stumbled over "fighting for a will to live" but I guess one can fight to try to muster that will. Certainly the meaning is different from "fighting to live" or "with little going for me except a will to live".
I found this part interesting: "I was, and probably always will be, label free. I am simply average." That wasn't what I was expecting.

I really appreciate your in-depth readings of my posts, John.

I'm not sure about what pregnancy issue to use. I'll have to do some research and consider what would affect the fetus and, perhaps, cause sterility in the mother.

Was that a good or bad "not expecting"?

I think the pregnancy issue is OK, Kim.

"Simply average" was a surprise when she seem do describe herself as a late bloomer. Not good or bad, it just didn't quite fit with my perception of her self-image. ""I was, and probably always will be, label free." That part is more what I was expecting. But you know much more about this than do I.

seemed to. My goodness, I wish we could edit comments!

Thank you for clarifying, John. I value your input.

I'm not sure if I know more--or if that part fits the description. I just want to portray a different kind of character in this book--someone who lacks confidence. We'll see what happens...

Yes, the editing feature would be very nice!

"someone who lacks confidence." Yes, you get that across, Kim.

Thanks, John. :)

Very well written piece - eight hours a day indeed - thanks for sharing :-)

Thanks for submitting to
The Surreal Circus.

Thank you, Bernard. Isn't that how kids see school--in terms of how many hours in the day?

I think I want to read the book -- great character! Featured at The Surreal Circus.

Thank you so much for the feature, Shira. I'm glad you liked the character in a short amount of space. :)

Yes! I want to read it too!

Thank you both! :)

I can empathize with the protagonist.

Thank you for sharing with: Not Gathering Dust!

Thanks, J. I hope teens can empathize as well. This book will delve into self-esteem issues and the pressures parents can put on their children.

Some will, others will see it as s justification to act out! There is no silver bullet with teens.

A wonderful beginning...we wonder what will be the impetus for turning all this around...what precarious event, or delayed blessing will turn this all around for her... We have the sense there is a rainbow ahead, if she can just hold on until the rain stops...

Thank you posting to the Triple Name Club.

There will be a rainbow...but first comes the storm...

Stephen, you are the only person I know who uses the ellipses more than me. :)

I do...I know...Ann Mercaida tells me all the time...it is easier if you're trying to write quickly to use the ellipses rather then a period, space, and the Cap key...
Bad habit, though...

Well, I use ellipses often in my dialogue. I think that is way people talk, and therefore, your comments have a conversational tone. But Ann does have a good point...

One of the things I really like about your writing is that it's both elegant and economical-- I don't think I've ever seen an unnecessary word in your writing. This is definitely a distinct voice, but I think it's a bit old for someone who's 13 and, as you say, average.

Also: "I caused preeclampsia in the womb"

I understand what you mean, but you might want to reword a bit. Preeclampsia (maternal high blood pressure) affects the entire body.

Thanks for sharing with Gather's Best Writers and Artists.

Ann, I always look forward to your comments. Your feedback is very encouraging. Thank you!

This character is 17, and she thinks that she is average. Some kids feel that if they are not the best, then they are nothing at all. That is the mindset of the character as well.

As I mentioned to John, I'm not sure which pregancy-related isssue I will use. Still thinking about it...

Ann's points to me conflict with each other in that a 13 year old might very well think of preeclampsia in her mother as "in the womb", but an alternative would be "I caused preeclampsia while I was in the womb."

I have confused everyone with my protagonists for stories and novels being all sorts of ages. This character is 17, John. Soon the kids in my series will graduate from HS and go onto college. By that time, my own children will be in college. Oh, let's hope I can write at a faster rate!

thanks for sharing, golng to be a beautiful story

Thank you, Larry. I appreciate the positive feedback. It'll encourage me to keep going with the story.

Wow Kimberly, I feel like adopting her and telling her it will be ok. I can definately feel her voice without a doubt. I would lOve to read this book.

Thank you for your wonderful feedback, Priya. This one won't be out until 2012...at least I hope so. Still finishing up the edits on the second book and hoping for a late summer release.

Almost like the Preacher's Kid but in and around all the problems your character has, it is somehow still comforting and hopeful that her "safe place," is still her home. Home is where the heart is and maybe she will be able to make progress from there.

Actually, Barbara, in the following paragraphs, someone calls the protagonist a PK--an abbreviation for "Principal's Kid." It's ironic that you mentioned it and that I pasted a shortened version of the book's opener.

Yes, she is a very independent girl and can cook and clean. Much mature in some ways because she has to fend for herself.

*Much more mature*

I was like that. At fifteen I had a summer job as a nanny for three little boys and housekeeper for the family. I was a good cook and got the job on the basis of my talent for making gravy. The father hunted and had a freezer full of deer and other wild meat and he watched as I peeled, cooked and mashed potatoes and whipped up a pan of gravy from scratch.
He sat down at the table, tasted the dinner (I had pan fried deer chops also) grinned from ear to ear and said, "you have the job little lady!" My mom eas a cook and an artist, had several restaurants and was always out of the house until earlly evening so I cooked for my little sister and dad and had mom's dinner ready for her when she got home. I think art AND food are both types of love.

Your story is fascinating, Barbara. Have you ever written an account of that experience? Not many 15 year olds could handle being a nanny.

Not really, I have written bits and pieces of events around that story in journals but have never put it all together. Thank you. i have a tendency to think my story is not different but I guess it is. I was five foot eight in seventh grade and always felt (older) I guess because I felt responsible for my sister. My dad had his own garage business and was always home at 5 p.m. and mom a few minutes later so it was my job to have supper at least well on the way to being prepared. I watched my mom cook and studied cookbooks.

My favorite stories from childhood are the ones my relatives told me about their lives. It would be wonderful to capture for your family--and others. :)

Barbara, too bad we didn't know each other in 7th grade. It would have been nice to see eye-to-eye with someone else without the need to look down. I was half an inch shorter than you, when I started 7th grade, and half an inch taller by the time it was over. I grew another three inches after that. I remember 10th grade as the year the boys caught up and passed me. lol

As for cooking? Still haven't learned how to do anything but the basics. I grew up on game, too, but didn't know anyone got gravy out of venison. Sounds yummy. I miss it. (A married a city guy and my Dad stopped hunting a decade ago.)

You're right you can't get any grease out of venison for gravy. My mom taught me how to mix butter and oil, fry up onions and simmer it all together. Whisk flour or cornstarch into cold milk or water and pour it over the shortening onion mix. beef boullion sprinkled in gave it flavor and you just kept stirring till the whole skillet was filled with delicious gravy. Buttery mashed potatoes and a luscious seared deer chop and you had a meal fit for a daddy and his three little boys. Their mom loved it too.
We were a family of deer hunters and my grandchildren love the wild meat and also the morrel mushrooms from the woods in the spring. Now THAT is an added delicacy. Bon Appetite'

You got her, methinks. And yikes, her life of total SurroundSound Parenting sounds tense!

Love this --> I don’t get “special” treatment; I get constant treatment.

"Surround Sound Parenting" is an interesting term, Tracy.

Funny, that is my favorite line too. :)

"I don't get "special" treatment; I get constant treatment, was a brilliant comment.

Thanks, Barbara. :)

Agreeing with the others. That was my favorite line, too.

Nicely captured.

Thank you very much, A.F.

Simply average is how most of us feel at one time or another.
As the story goes on, however, I think you will find a label that suits her better.
Something more descriptive of "who" she is.

Make your own banner at MyBannerMaker.com!

Thank you, Angela. This is the beginning of the story, so I'm not exactly sure who she will become.

I bet you will have fun finding out.

I had toxemia with my first and he swallowed some fluid; my sister had toxemia in 1980 and her son was a forceps delivery. we have to be thankful the human body is very resilient, to withstand major onslaughts.

Yes, there are so many possible complications with pregnancy, and I was just trying to come up with one for this novel. Toxemia would be another idea.

Wow...that's rather a lot of problems for one child. I wonder if that may not be somewhat overwhelming for teens to identify with. But what do I know ??? Nothing compared to you !

I believe you have a wonderfully intriguing story/novel going, Kimberly !!!!!!!!!!

xoxox

No, that might be true, Marianne. It may be too much. I'll see as the novel progresses.

Thank you for reading and commenting...

I hope you are doing well! :)

I hear her history, her situation and a lot of her character coming out but I really wanted to hear her scream, "THIS SUCKS" and never heard it. :)

Seriously, something I commented on with A.F. Stewart's submission and might deserve repeating here are all the little things that make up voice. You hit a number of them, like point of view, experience and opinion. How about attitude? I don't know if that is appropriate here or fits the story, but the endearing thing about kids her age is their biting sarcasm.

My daughter worked at a teen crisis center, The Bridge, for three years and kept a notebook of the kid's sayings (no names, just sayings). It is as hilarious as it is heartbreaking.

Consider giving her a couple lines right away, in quotes. Like, so then I said, "". If you are lucky, her personality will pop right off the page.

Thank you for your feedback, Greg.

This interior monologue will probably be broken up by some actions and dialogue. I just haven't decided who she will encounter first and what she will say.

Don't worry I wouldn't write young adult fiction without sarcasm. I'm a nice person on Gather but sarcasm is my first language.

and every teacher treats me like a year-long teacher evaluation

Yikes, I love this line...and I really, really like this kid!

Hey, I was confused about her age, too. I kinda got that she was a senior, but had to struggle a bit to get there.

You can tell she's smart, bitingly self-effacing. And the fact that she states that she will always be label free--that can deifinitley be a point of pride, once she really gets what that means. A very reall character!

Liz, thanks for your feedback on my post. This is the novel that I want to start in June.

This takes place on the first day of her senior year--the last year until the freedom of college. I should make that clearer.

Minus school related parents and an "underdeveloped" body, this is how I saw myself at her age. Got to say, I both like her and want to slap her to get out of those thoughts. ;)

But, as one who struggled with self-image, I think you might be giving her too much positive thinking of self-image too early on.
"...wrinkled and tiny, fighting for a will to live." This sounds like her parents liked her, since we have to assume it's her parents' image of her she's portraying at that moment in her life. "Wrinkled and tiny" sounds like a cute premie. "Fighting for a will to live." I do understand the difference between fighting to live and fighting just to gather the will to live, but that she even fought, suggest a positive quality. From the rest, it sounds like she doesn't want one. With these two phrases, it sounds like she has some image of herself as cute at one time and a fighter. She's probably still both; however, she doesn't think so positively about herself yet. Try getting her to see absolutely nothing positive about herself, not even as a premie who survived.

Most of us saw ourselves this way. It's the secret of most adolescence. I have met very few with confidence--real confidence.

May I defend her perception of herself at birth? Most kids develop self-esteem issues later in childhood and can look back at the baby years with a smile. Yet I am not "sold" on those lines, Lynn. I'm pretty sure they'll encounter some revisions.

Nice to hear from you. I'm busy getting this second book done, so I can think about Cynthia and all her issues. :)

most *adolescents*

From memories of adolescent thoughts - I was the costly baby, a burden to my parents, and a source of pity. I have no memories of the operations on my feet, but I was born pigeon-toed, something corrected back then by breaking my ankles and feet, resetting them, placing me in casts on both legs at six months old, and followed by corrective shoes until puberty. Apparently, my mother was in great angst when my oldest brother colored the face of some baby doll with purple crayons - thus the pity part. Add to that, I was the third of three babies in a row, and Dad thought he finally had one that didn't come with a hernia. Wrongo! At 18 months, I had some kind of tantrum that was just big enough to show it. (I do remember the nurse changing the bandages. My memory is one of surprise that she lifted my nightgown and I had bandages and then a memory of calling Mom when I was sitting and playing, because I had to go to the bathroom and couldn't (wouldn't) stand up straight. So, as an angst teen, I saw myself as defective from the start, an annoyance to my parents, and a costly burden.

It has nothing to do with the words parents use sometimes, although, I can see in some cases that is the reason. Sometimes it's how we interpret to fit how we feel about ourselves. If Cynthia has any concept that she isn't all that average, then keep that. As much as I lacked self-confidence, I still knew there were good qualities about me. (Even as a teen, I was sure I could draw well and I was good for my little brother.)

Now I'm glad my parents learned I have no memory of broken ankles or leg cast. To this day, my Dad swears I have no memory of the hernia either, which is true only in that I have no memory of why the nurse was changing bandages, only that she dared lift up my nightgown. (I suspect my mother ingrained modesty early, since I have two older brothers. lol) My Mom would have believed I remembered. She was the one who had to lug an 18 month old to the toilet, who refused to get out of the sitting position until it stopped hurting. I can still hear her groaning with my dead weight. lol

Wait? You're not starting Cynthia's story until June 1st? That's a good thing. I'm really pressing to write my book, but I know the best I can come up with by June 1st is a wobbly first draft. I'm averaging over 550 words per day, but the sucker needs a whole lot more work. That and someone has given me the opportunity to present one of my short stories for an anthology. (No guarantee they'll select it, but they picked me for a reason, so I want to spruce it up some more and the deadline is June 30th.)

I have set my sights towards finishing the book by the end of the year, but that means just finishing it to the point of "I can't make it better alone," not to the point of finding out how to publish it by then. If you need more time (please, please need more time lol), I'd prefer the chance of getting further along and then go back to rework the first few chapters before we get together and critique away.

How easy is it for you to whip out a few chapters once you get going? I'm struggling, but I'm determined.