Humor for Today 4/26/11

Humor for Today 4/26/11

Trusted Employee

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, “I would like to speak with  Jim Parker, whom I have heard is a tried and trusted employee of yours.”

The banker said, “Yes, he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him.”

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Letter to the Bank

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three “nanoseconds” must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary  Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets, and liabilities) must be  accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1– To make an appointment to see me.
2– To query a missing payment.
3– To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4– To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5– To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6– To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7– To leave a message on my computer. (A password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8– To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9– To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my  automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

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Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asked to talk to a loan representative.

The loan officer approached the well-dressed man, and asked how he could be of assistance to the wealthy client.

“I would like to borrow $5,000,” responded the customer.

Surprised, the banker handed the customer the necessary paperwork, ran the credit report and informed the man that because of his good relationship with the bank and excellent credit history and financial situation, he would be able to provide him with a personal loan of $5,000 at 6% interest on a 5-year term. “However,” he said cautiously, since we don’t currently have a banking relationship with you, we will need some form of collateral.”

“Well, then,” the man answered. “Here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce.”

The loan officer handed the new customer a check for $5000 and promptly had the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safe keeping.

Two weeks later, the wealth man returned, finding the loan officer to settle up his loan and get his car back.

“That will be $5,000 in principal, and $25 in interest. We have to charge you interest for the full month, even though you’re paying the loan off early,” the loan officer said apologetically.

The wealthy man took the original check from the bank out of his pocket, handed the check to the banker along with $25 cash and started to walk away.

“Wait, sir,” the loan officer said. “You are a millionaire and you didn’t even cash the loan check we gave you. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?”

With a sly smile, the customer responded, “Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $25?”

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