OK, I admit it. Iâ€™m not a US citizen. Iâ€™ll never be President. Iâ€™ll be a permanent member of the no-fly list and my phone will be constantly bugged. Jan Brewer will kick me out of the country because I have no papers proving who I am or where I was born. Iâ€™m very disappointed to find Iâ€™m some sort of exotic, white â€œanchor babyâ€œ.
Note to self: Avoid Arizona.
Now I know what itâ€™s like to be Barack Hussein Obama â€“ if that is indeed his real name.
Family legend said I was born in Elkins, WV. But sorting through my personal papers I was unable to find a real birth certificate bearing the imprint of Orly Taitzâ€˜s signet ring in wax. In fact, I donâ€™t even have a pitiful â€œCertificate of Live Birthâ€ like Obamaâ€™s. All I have is a scrap of paper looking as though itâ€™s been ripped from a shipâ€™s log. All it says is, â€œA kid was born just off the coast of Somalia during our last pirate takeover. Donâ€™t know his name. Not sure of the date, but it wasnâ€™t long ago. But this is all the proof he needs to show he was actually born. Heâ€™ll probably grow up to be a liberal communist anyway.â€ It was signed and Ensign Hikaru Hussein Sulu.
My Mom Was a Nigerian Officialâ€™s Wife
As I dug deeper, I learned Iâ€™d been abandoned to a Norfelia Lumbago, the wife of a Nigerian government official who couldnâ€™t access his money held up in Banco Lagos until he came out of exile. Apparently, I had a very poor childhood. Mom never did get the money.
From Lagos, I went to a madrasa in Pakistan where I learned a useful trade making amateur Betamax videos for worldwide news distribution. It was a very prestigious career. I was even allowed to sleep on the softest rocks in our Tora Bora studio cave. I minored in bomb making.
I tell you all of that to tell you this, I â€“ like every member of the Republican Party â€“ want to run for President in 2012. I figured Iâ€™d be a shoo-in with a platform of rolling government back to its state in 1850 and by being the first Presidential candidate running with two part-time Vice Presidential candidates. Michele Bachmann, because she looks so scrumptious in a bikini and always tells the truth as relayed to her by God. And, Sarah Palin because she looks adorable with that naughty school marm vibe she has going on. Plus, she said she could only be Vice President for half a term. She needed to take time off for the salmon fishing and snowmobile racing seasons.
Just as I was ready to launch my pre-campaign to decide whether I was going to kick off my exploratory committee leading to my final decision to announce, at some time in the future, that I thought I might be running, but tell everyone, â€œI might be running or I might not be running. Thatâ€™s for me to know and you to find out,â€ Donald Trump called.
A â€˜Fabulous Opportunityâ€™
Of course I met with The Donaldâ„¢ â€“ thatâ€™s what his friends call him. I believe Iâ€™m the third or fourth friend he has. Iâ€™m so honored. During the meeting he told me he had a fabulous opportunity for me. He said, â€œI have a fabulous opportunity for you.â€
He said, â€œIâ€™m richer than God and the smartest man in the world too. Of course, that goes without saying. I know I can talk to you like Iâ€™ll talk to Cesar Chavez and convince him to give us his oil for free. Nothing to it. Itâ€™s an exciting, fabulous, stupendous piece of cake. Iâ€™d offer him a casino or a missile up his butt and heâ€™d be all over the deal. Fantastic. Smart man, that Chavez. No nose for business though. Not like me. Iâ€™m world-famous. I even have my own university for Godâ€™s sake.â€
â€œUm Mr. Trump, Iâ€™m a little confused. Why did you invite me to this fabulous, high-end Waffle House to talk?â€
Mr. Trump Loves the Waffles
â€œWell first, I love the waffles. But I really want to make you a deal, because you know, I know, you know what a fabulous businessman I am.â€
â€œHereâ€™s the deal. A really good deal. Fantastic actually. You show me your birth certificate â€“ because we all know youâ€™re lying about having one â€“ and Iâ€™ll release my tax information. I gave the same deal to Obama, but the man is an imbecile. Turned me down. Shows why Iâ€™m rich and heâ€™s not.â€
â€œOf course everyone would read it and see just how rich I am. Mega-rich! Uber-rich! Richest man in the world, no matter what Forbes says! They always hated me for being so rich, but Iâ€™m going to buy their lying asses out. Itâ€™ll be a fabulous deal.â€
â€œSo when can we sign the papers? Iâ€™ll even let you keep the luxurious gold Bic embossed with the Trump logo if you want.â€
Thatâ€™s how I came to tell this story now. My campaign is in ruins. I told the truth about not being a citizen and Mr. Trump released his taxes. He was right, it caused quite a stir.
Mr. Trump offered me a lot of money, a fabulous amount actually, to go away. Thatâ€™s how Iâ€™ve become a rich man like Mr. Trump. I have millions now and Mr. Trump found me a fabulous new job as Venezuelan oil minister. I get to do super deals and money is no object. Iâ€™m smarter now that Iâ€™m rich too. Cesar and I go to dinner all the time. Weâ€™re great friends because weâ€™re both so rich and I still have that butt-missile Mr. Trump gave me wholesale (because multi-millionaires never pay retail). But Iâ€™m terribly sad about one thing â€¦ I really miss Sarah and Michele. We could really do some fancy clubbing down here. I even have a penthouse in the Trump Caracas Holiday Inn.
Fabulous! Just super-gargantuous really!
Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!