I drove home today, suddenly very aware of how I've taken this drive for granted. After a long day, I just want to get home. Shame on me. I am so fortunate to live in an area where although the seasons can be taxing, there is also great beauty to be found and quiet surrender. I need to appreciate fully the hemlocks, the cold creeks whose top layers are crusted with ice and snow and the creatures that refused to pull up and move, but withstood the cold alongside us.
I guess the truth is I thought these thoughts because I just came from a mammography and sensed that something did not go well. Perhaps it was how the technician stopped humming and "casually" said we needed to take more film of my left breast. But I knew something wasn't right. Maybe it's just a cyst, maybe nothing serious at all, but a woman knows the fear, and dread, of wondering until the results come in.
The experience itself is barbaric. I am pretty sure some pissed off ex-husband/lover/boyfriend/significant other created this machine which literally flattens out a woman's breast to a pancake-obscene-like shape. And it hurts like a mo fo. Not as bad a child birth, but it hurts. Oh the joys of being a woman.
Yes, men can get breast cancer too, but I only know of one "man" who had children and his parts were still that of a woman. But I digress. I jest when I'm nervous.
I have learned to appreciate the time, the subtleties of movement and change, but here I was catching myself slacking off again. I was driving by lakes, beautiful mountain ranges, icy waterfalls off of black rock. I needed to appreciate. So, I slowed down and started to do just that.
Slow down. Smell the roses, even when they are not in bloom yet.
Does it really matter there will be another snowstorm? Should I care about the pile of papers I have to grade? I am human, therefore, yes, things will still scratch at me, BUT, really, that is just small stuff compared to the big stuff.
I remember telling someone after my accident never to say "this was the worst year of my life" or "it can't get worse than this"...cause it always can and we have to be grateful for when it doesn't.
I should find out the results in a few days. No news is good news, in this case. No phone call, only a form letter. That's good.
I'll keep you updated.