In an article about the growing tensions between people with kids and people who choose not to have kids author Ellen Walker brings up the fact that the conflicts between parents and child-free adults exist more between women than between men:
The tension between parents and childfree women has extended to the media. English journalist Polly Vernon received hate mail when she wrote, "I don't want children." Keep in mind that she never said, "I don't like children," so it's not clear why anyone felt threatened by her remark. My guess is that when a woman says that she does not want to have children, this causes all women to question themselves. Many are probably saying to themselves, "You mean, I had a choice? I thought I had to become a mom." Others simply feel criticized, as if their role as a mother, said to be the most important and most fulfilling thing a woman does in her life is perhaps not so.
What About Friction Between Childfree Men and Fathers?
The friction that exists between moms and childfree women does not exist on the same level between childfree men and fathers. Men in our society have much more broadly defined life roles, and being a dad is just one of these. They're much more focused on their careers and even their hobbies than mothers tend to be, and so they have more in common with men who don't have children than mothers do with childfree women. Some mothers may feel threatened by their husband's childfree friends, because of the freedom they have in their schedules, the extra financial resources. They may worry that their husbands will yearn for this less demanding lifestyle.
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Comments: 41
Even when I were child free other women I worked with professionally who were mothers did not befriend me and I always felt it was b/c I was married and childless.
Having had my first son so young, most of my friends weren't moms yet, nor were they married. In factt, quite a few of my married, or commited, friends now, don't have children, but I love them all. I met my sister AT work, she didn't have kids, and had never been married, obviously I'd done both. ;) That's a terrible reason not to get to know someone, and even worse not to befriend them! I'm really sorry people treated you that way, Carrie.
I have a friend who couldn't have kids who now works for an adoption agency and has adopted children. For some reason some people attach a stigma to adoption too.
Her position with the agency includes community outreach both to women who are facing unwanted or unplanned pregnancies and to prospective parents. Have you ever seen "pro-lifers" protesting women's health clinics that provide abortion and some of them are holding signs that say "Adoption is an option"? Well she actually approached a group of people at a protest holding those signs and told them she liked their signs because she worked for an adoption agency and would like to speak to their group some time. She tried to give them her card so they could set up a meeting and they wouldn't even take it.
On the other hand she has spoken at several meetings and dinners held by the local Planned Parenthood Federation and she's had a lot of referrals from their practitioners.
I've seen a lot of that, which I've NEVER understood. Why in the world would you not take the card, or anything else, from an adoption provider? Especially if you're "pro-life"? That makes absolutely no sense to me.
I've also read about PP doing that. It was awhile back now, but there was an article in Time, Newsweek, something like that, about a big adoption ceremony and PP...kinda like what they do with shelter animals. (That's kind of a bad analogy, but it's been awhile, and I couldn't think of a better way to describe it) Anyway, this PP had helped this organization place X number of kids with X number of families so they had a big "to-do".
People talk about the Civil War and sometimes they refer to it with the term of "brother against brother". We have a War on Women going on and it seems to me that we have "sister against sister". I think we need to be doing something about that.
Yep. It's always been that way, though. Even when women were fighting for the right to vote and have property rights, there were other women fighting against them.
Abstinence only education is ridiculous. The members of our high school's "chasitity club" are the ones who ended up pregnant before graduation. One of their leaders was a closeted gay who ended up giving his wife the HIV virus. She was a member of the club too and had pledged to "save" herself for marriage. Well the man she was saving herself for was sleeping with guys behind her back and using her as a beard because he was afraid of what his church deacon daddy would do if he found out he had a gay son. He had a good reason to be afraid because this is what another church deacon in our town did to his gay son.
THANK YOU!
It's an absolute outrage that it's gone on this long, and been allowed to warp our nation's sexual identity this way. I do not understand why parent's in particular, and adult's in general, can't get it through their heads that children are sexual beings. That's right, I said it, kids are SEXUAL BEINGS! They are interested in, and want to have sex. They even enjoy it. And, they're going to do it, either by themselves or with someone. So, you can either talk to them about it, teach them how to do it safely, to respect themselves, their partners, and their bodies. OR, you can ignore it, pretend it's not going to happen, that their going to be virgins forever, having immaculate conceptions, believing that they are bad, nasty and dirty, and passing around who knows what kind of diseases. It's your choice.
Remember, you will not be there at "the moment", but that doesn't mean you can't have the loudest voice.
Exactly. One thing that has always bothered me is the assumption that teens ~ especially young women ~ have no respect for themselves if they are sexually active.
I was lucky. My parents never shied away from age appropriate discussions about sex so when the time came that I felt I was ready I respected myself by taking care of my needs instead of repressing them and denying my true self.
Mine didn't, so I was bound and determined that my kids would be informed about their bodies, and sex. I've had adults, other parents, and educators absolutely shocked that my kids knew, and used, the word "penis" at such a "young age". Which was usually responded to with, "What would you like them to call it?"
When my oldest was in 2nd grade I came home from running an errand to find my hubby home for lunch, he said my son's school had just called and left a message on the machine. When I called back they told me that while standing in line to come back in from recess he'd been kicked by an older boy in the crotch. While I was trying to find out if my son was OK, if I needed to come and get him, and other important things like that. The stupid twIt on the other end of the line just kept going on about how surprised she was that he'd told the teacher and all the other adults the he'd been kicked in the penis. I finally yelled into the phone, "OK, he got kicked in the damn penis, I got it. Is my son alright, or do I need to get him?" That seemed to get her (and my hubby's) attention, and I finally found out that he was fine, and it was just a routine phone call. I was absolutely furious that they were more concerned about my son using the proper word for a body part then the fact that he'd been attacked, by someone he didn't know, out of absolutely no where.
I do not understand why people would ever NOT teach their children about their bodies. By the time I had "the talk" with him, it was mostly about the "brass tacks" mechanics of actual sex, and about female parts and sexuality. And, of course about respect for himself, and his partner (whomever it may be), protection, and things of that nature. He'd already been taught about himself, and been given a doorknob with a key lock on it (which of course came with specific rules attached), because kids need privacy, and that what he did in his room was perfectly normal, natural and totally fine in every way. (editing for brevitiy and flagging ;)
Even though it is important for kids to know the proper terms of all their body parts so they can effectively report sexual abuse. And kids who know the proper terms are more likely to take ownership of all aspects of their health later on in life.
Too many adults are willing to sacrfice the mental and physical health of kids just so they don't have to be offended by the word penis.
I don't know why parents think their pre-teens and even young teens need to "share the experience" of something like a Rob Zombie concert. Your kid also doesn't need to see R-rated movies, especially if I've waited to come to a late show so I don't have to listen to whiny kids.
Call me a bitch, but get a sitter - that's what we did. I don't want you getting all pissed off because your kid got a contact high at the reggaefest.
Now I grant her the fact that we shouldn't have sold her son the cd because it had a parental advisory on it. When I worked there (this was about 10 years ago) it wasn't illegal to sell minors cds with parental advisory stickers but if a kid came to my register without a parent and they were trying to buy such a cd I wouldn't sell it to them. It was an idividual judgement call.
However I don't know why a parent would allow her 10 year old to roam around the mall by himself buying whatever. And I certainly don't agree that everyone should be censored to save her precious little angel from possibly hearing the f-word.
I have a bigger beef though with parents who bring their kids to concerts or buckle to 12 year old Susie's wish to dress up like an Anime-inspired mini-skirted schoolgirl and come to something like My Chemical Romance. And since Susie is going with a chaperone, other parent throw their kids into the carpool. Thus 2 groups who shouldn't be there are in attendance- the kids who are unknowingly feeding pedophile dreams and yanking the chains of 18 year old boys, and the parents who hate the music but don't have enough spine to say no, wait until you're older.
I don't really hate kids, but I don't want to see them on the adult playground.
12 year old Susie? ~ in some cases it's six year old Susie who wants to rock the "prostitot" look because she saw Hannah Montana on the Disney channel.
Whatever happened to letting kids be kids or better yet parents making kids be kids?
On the other hand, I don't just take a rating at face value either. With the exception of either "G" or "E", I need to look into the content to make that decision. Just because Joe Shmoe from down the street says something is "R" or "M" doesn't mean I necessarily agree. I'm not going to abdicate my responsibility for knowing what is, or isn't, appropriate for my kids to some guy I don't know just because it would be easy. Again, that's part of my JOB. When did people forget this?
We dropped him off and picked him up afterwards.
I suppose the whole point I'm aiming for is that I don't feel any animosity toward women who have kids. I don't care one way or the other about their choice. I just don't want to be bothered with their little nippers.
Holly-That's the way it's supposed to be, somewhere that message seems to have gotten lost.