Request: This is a story written for a little contest on another site and style and grammar count, so be brutal. I'd love any suggestions of how to improve it. It's a famous children's story updated. Can you recognize it?
* * * * *
Whoa! Krypto and Ace in the same comic book for three bucks.
Rocky counted two-forty from his pockets.
"Yo, Kid, whatcha doing back there?"
Rocky hesitated, and then slid the magazine into the back of his pants and pulled his Phillies jacket over it.
It's only three bucks. He won't miss it.
He peeked out from behind the shelves and gave Mr. Gregor his best boyish smile. "Nothing, Sir."
"Ain't you Rocco Fast-Finger's boy?" The storeowner pulled his glasses down.
Rocky puffed up his chest and stepped out from the aisle. "Yeah. He's in jail. What of it?"
"Just like your old man, huh? Get outta here before I throw you out myself."
Rocky strutted past Mr. Gregor, set off the stupid bells above the door, grabbed a pack of Topps' Phillies trading cards, and ran.
"Stop, thief!"
The bells jingled again, while he dashed up Oregon Avenue. The group of teenagers parted, when Mr. Gregor yelled, "Stop him."
When Rocky catch his breath after he turned the corner, he pulled out the comic book.
Maybe I can take it back without him noticing.
He glanced around the corner of Cab's Tires. Mr. Gregor slammed through the teenagers.
Rocky threw the cards onto the sidewalk, in hopes that would appease the mean old man, before he sprinted away. He grabbed the alley post and looked back. Mr. Gregor snatched the pack of cards, stared into Rocky's eyes, and then huffed towards him.
A cat jumped off a trash can. The lid clunked in front of him, so Rocky hopped into the empty can and placed the lid back on it. Something knocked the can over. When Rocky fell out, Mr. Gregor stopped.
Rocky bolted out of the alley, back onto Oregon, and ran the nine blocks home.
"Pew! You stink."
His sisters had to be in the living room when he ran up the stairs. He slammed his bedroom door and slid the comic under his mattress.
Every morning, his sisters and he lined up in front of the door. Before Mama left for work, she kissed each one, straightened Rocky's tie, and said, "Now, get to school and don't get in no trouble, Rocky."
Every morning Rocky meant it when he answered, "Yes, Mama."
While he showered, his mind returned to his favorite comic book store. Mr. Gregor was tough, but he wasn't a bad man. Why did he have to bring up his father, a man Rocky didn't remember. Maybe he could slip the money into Mr. Gregor's mail slot. Maybe his piggy bank held the difference.
He dashed to his bedroom in a towel. Mr. Gregor smirked with his massive arms folded.
"And, he'll come in every day for a week to help you out, too." His mother pulled out the comic book from his mattress. She stood up and handed Mr. Gregor the book.
"Yes, Mama." Rocky stared at the floor. Then he gazed at Mr. Gregor, and added, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll start tomorrow, after school."
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Comments: 59
BTW, do you recognize the story? The original still sells 500,000 copies a year, and it's over 100 year old.
Why do you spell it MaMa one place and mama another, withut the extra capital?
I'm a little uncomfortable with the boy going from delinquent to politely remorseful in the space of a shower. Is it realistic?
As for delinquent. Something to work on, too. I shoplifted a candy bar once in first grade. I wanted it too much to give it back, but have felt guilty ever since. I imagined what would happen, if someone suggested I did that because of upbringing or genes. Sometimes we did things we were proud of as kids. But, you're right. I probably did wait too late to show remorse. I'll have to think that one over. Thanks.
Yes, since this is a short story, get rid of the tags and shorten some of the sentences. Keep the story moving quickly--like a comic book. :)
Try: Rocky slid the magazine into the back of his pants and pulled his Phillies jacket over it. Then he peaked out from behind the shelves and gave Mr. Gregor his best boyish smile. "Nothing, Sir."
Change to: Just like your old man, huh? I like the "huh?" here.
I hope that helps a little. I'm sure you'll get lots of feedback.
Fun story, Lynn. Best of luck with the contest.
Use peeked rather than peaked.
That leaves peak to mean a tip or point such as as mountaintop.
Jut remember peek with the eyes has ee like a pair of eyes! And the ee in peek is like the 2 Es in eyes.
My favorite is "It's a pivilege to have two Is (eyes) and a leg."
Um, isn't that what an editor does?
Long live correctly written English!
But, I have no idea what this story is based on.
Thanks for posting to my group, Anythingwriting .
Thank you for sharing with: Not Gathering Dust
Thanks for submitting to
The Surreal Circus.
If you're an academic, your major field is what defines which you use. I'm in foreign languages, and the MLA Handbook is the manual the profession (i.e. Modern Language Association, also American Association of Teachers of Spanish and Portuguese and similar groups) requires.
My Mom decided we should all collect something, and she (yes, "she" lol) chose Beatrix Potter for me. With that, I do have and above average interest in the author and still pull out my childhood books occasionally. lol
With the baby coming, check her out. These are books any child would still love and anyone who has ever wanted to watercolor will envy. Beatrix did her own illustrations, too.
And the end makes it sound as if Mr. Gregor lives in the house or I don't know, but I couldn't figure out the flow of the story there.
I think this is worth spending time with because it's well developed overall. Let us know how it goes, Lynn.
Overall, this is *much* better than the original you posted. Well done! Keep at it!
As I remember Peter Rabbit from childhood, part of the adventure made him come down with a cold, so he missed a nice dinner mama had prepared and had to stay in bed with mere broth for supper... Just sayin'... But that was his natural consequence, so maybe having to work to pay for the book is your intended similarity.
I did rework it once more before entering it in the contest. (I haven't updated again on Gather, because every time we update makes moderators see it in the queue again.) I filled out the scene with Mr. Gregor in the bedroom, and viola! I won! Weird though. There were two categories for entries - as a children's story and as an adult story, and I won for the adult story. Oh well. lol
Rocky bolted out of the alley, back onto Oregon, and ran the nine blocks home.
There are 3 changes I would suggest for this sentence. First is the sentence. It is rather long for young children and also a bit wordy. You should use past perfect, but that doesn't matter except to purists. Thirdly, this sentence needs an action feeling.
I took the liberty to rewrite this sentence. I hope you don't mind.
Rocky bolted from the alley onto Oregon running nine blocks home.
Still, I'm wobbling my way through retraining how to implement it; therefore, my sense of balance has been disrupted. It amazes me how much that sense of balance, even though it was based on a false premise, affects other areas of my writing. I feel like my balancing pole was taken away. I have to learn to walk the tightrope of writing without that one. So, I know what you're saying; it's just going to take more time to retrain.
Rhetoricall patterns sadly are not taught in our pathetic public USA schools.
Again, writing should be fun. Please edit after your thoughts are on paper.
That's the first time I learned how far down hill my education was from previous generations. I've been trying to catch up, in some subjects ever since. I will be looking into rhetorical patterns. Thanks.
What ticks me off is "charter schools" and coupons for parents to help defray costs of going with private schools. Both those ideas smell of "duh, we can't help it, so we'll give up on schools." Apparently, they can force charter schools to do better or close, so they have power to fix it. It just makes for bad politics.
One thing I admire about Japan - their politicians have backgrounds in technology and business, not lawyers. Business people, people smart in technology, and lawyers are all above-average smart people, but their focuses are different. Charter schools are run by for-profit businesses and succeed (usually.) I don't want to give up on our schools. I want to give up on our lawyers. ;)
I taught high school in Japan and Junior High here, but most of my career was as an English prof.
I agree with you on everything but our Public Schools. Thank you.