Is Like 20 White Kittens Too Much to Ask?

As a condition to an appearance at a London shopping mall, Mariah Carey's list of required items included 20 white kittens, 100 white doves, pink butterfly confetti and a wand to wave. 

                                                     Wonderwall, msn.com

 

Dear Diary:

Just got back from my knuckle-hair waxing session, so can't bear down too hard on this pen!  People think it's easy selling more records than any female singer in the history of the world--but it's not!  I have to look like totally glam all the time--it's exhausting!

I could use some white kittens right about now to snuggle up to, but those mean mall people say if they give me one they have to give everybody one.  Hel-lo . . . I didn't ask for one--I asked for twenty! 

"You go with Mimi--I'll stay here."

People say I have a diva-tude, but I like totally disagree!  I just want my mall appearances to be the most fabulous in history!  Somebody told me this singer named Billie Holiday was supposed to be great, but I looked her up on Wikipedia--and she never did a mall appearance in her life!

 
Billie Holiday

G2Go--my limo is here, and it better be a white Rolls-Royce with a pink interior, like I asked for--nicely.

Mimi (my "altar ego")

Lucky dog!

Dear Diary--

What is daylight savings time?  Somebody told me I was supposed to turn my clock back a few months ago, but I said no way!  I'm on MST--Mimi Standard Time, all the time!  I find it's more convenient, but some people just want to argue!  Like Phillip Schofield, host of ITV's "This Morning."

Schofield:  "Mimi, or Mariah, or whoever you are--you're late."

He said I was like an hour late for his show, but he was so wrong!  I checked my watch and by Mimi Standard Time, I was like four hours early--so there.

Have to put my pen down now--I need to text the mall to make sure the carpet is pink, not red.  Red's for everybody but Mimi!

Smooches.

"Ooo--you startled me posing seductively!"

Diary dearest--

Well, I'm here at the mall and I do not like what I see.  The confetti is supposed to be butterfly shaped, but it looks like a bunch of stupid turkeys or something!  I know about Thanksgiving and how the Pilgrims didn't eat butterflies because the Indians hadn't invented them yet, but I'm the best-selling female singer of all time--I can handle butterflies in my stomach!

Somebody told me they like me ok but they like Ella Fitzgerald better--that hurt Mimi's feelings.  I Googled her--Ella, not Mimi--and boy is she fugly--made me feel better.

XOXOXO

 
Chick Webb and Ella Fitzgerald

 

Diary--

I am so mad my nipples are bursting with anger!  They don't have any white doves to release in my honor!  Mimi can't just walk into a shopping mall without 100 white doves--it's unheard of!

And I am not being a diva, dammit!  I've seen real extreme divas before and I am so not like that.  I try not to be a jerk, I really do.  It's just that Mimi has needs, and she is the most popular female vocalist of all time.  Somebody mentioned a singer named Alberta Hunter and--well I'm trying to be nice.  I went on iTunes and not only does she hardly have any CDs out, she looks like somebody's grandmother!  Somebody other than Mimi, that is.  Mimi's much too good looking to be her granddaughter!

Alberta Hunter

I borrowed a big book called the Encyclopedia of Jazz, just to make sure I had my facts straight--which I did.  Alberta Hunter, Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald--none of them ever had a magic wand--but Mimi does!

Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection "Bad Girls."