It’s official. I have permanently moved unconditional love over to the con column with colorblind and tolerant. People claim these traits with pride and expect me to be impressed or grateful. I’m neither. Instead, I am confused – sometimes insulted and angry. Elements of each concept hurt recipients, who often suffer in silence since our society gives a blind nod to buzz words that sound nice despite the fact that their existence proves the opposite of what their users meant to imply.
If someone tolerates me, that means he does not like or appreciate me so he will fake a smile through gritted teeth and do his best to convince the world that he is a good guy for being dishonest. He might fool a few people when he boasts about his white, middle-aged, liberal, female friend but he will not convince me – the person who matters. I will hear negativity and feel disdain, and I will know that I am included when he talks about the other white, middle-aged, liberal females he dislikes. I prefer honesty.
Colorblind drives me crazier. Unless totally blind and maybe partially deaf as well, people should recognize features and customs that identify what the self-proclaimed colorblind boast that they are unable to see. I respect people who appreciate color as part of the rainbow that decorates the world. I like people who purposely collect unique individuals instead of restricting admission to only those who meet a ridiculous colorless-blob criterion. The only honest reason for denying the ability to discern color, since that implies there must be something wrong with certain colors, would be to hide bias. Hiding the truth from others is not an act of kindness.
Unconditional love starts on the premise that others are willing to share belief in something that probably does not exist and absolutely is not verifiable, the same as belief in a god, which makes the use of God as the epitome of unconditional love both pertinent and baffling. Unconditional love is always based on a condition, which will reveal itself within a few questions if pursued. The quickest route I have discovered is to thank the person who brags about unconditional love for sharing your love of child molesters, people who eat kittens for breakfast, Jehovah’s witnesses who show up at the door bright and early on Saturday mornings, and drug dealing prostitutes. I can almost promise immediate proof that you, along with these others, are excluded from her fold of unconditional love recipients.
Unconditional love sounds good on the surface (which is why it is so popular) but no one knows for certain there will never be a breaking point. I can say love never dies since I have not stopped loving anyone but that would be the same as saying love at first sight, death, and winning lotteries do not exist because I have not yet experienced them. At best, it’s a wild guess. I can say that my child could never do anything that would change my love for her but until she drinks my last Coke, votes Republican, stabs her sister in the back, or goes on a bank-robbing spree, it’s only a guess.
Claims related to unconditional love for family are the ones that annoy me most. The obvious condition, of course, is that the recipient of this glorious gift be family. In growing numbers evidenced by fertility medicine, that would be blood family born at controlled times. Me and mine, now – the American dream.
In some families, unconditional love excuses principles, intelligence, honesty, fairness, questions, and apologies. It fails to recognize actions so, thanks to unconditional love, nothing means anything. Or everything means nothing. The person who has always been honest with everyone will receive the same respect as the pathological liar, unless the honest person points out a few lies in which case he will be labeled a troublemaker and expected to take it back. Someone who waltzes in once a decade or so when she needs something will walk out with everything, leaving empty-handed the ones who have been there every day of every year for everyone. Child abuse? Substance abuse? Elderly abuse? Doesn’t matter if calling out the abuse will shatter the image of a big, happy, unconditionally loving family. Better to lose a few to only the good die young or spend eternity scratching the head and saying, “Gotta love ‘em,” than to shatter the façade and do the hard work of saving them.
For many, the same protections spill over to politics. Only traitors doubt the country or the President. Want to abuse the poor, the elderly, the unemployed, the underemployed, and the sick? Want to kill innocent people in foreign countries? Unconditional love is the ticket.
Unpopular as it might be to admit this, I state openly now that my love comes with conditions. Everyone (including people I don’t know and drug-dealing prostitutes) gets my love from the start, but there are conditions. How I respond to the person or use that love will depend on the actions of the individuals. My love does not excuse lies, does not require me to spend time with people who mistreat me, does not mean I will defend people above principles or family over strangers. It does not guarantee my silence when I see something wrong, and it does not mean blood or birth ties trump allegiance to like-minded or kindred spirits. I can love people and find their behavior unacceptable and their company undesirable. And I don’t know that I might not wake up one day unloving half of the people I loved yesterday.
I’m okay with that.
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Comments: 80
but they are all learning to pay attention to that which is said AND more importantly, to what is not (explicitly) being said .... and to give a damn, too.
I love that they are getting into heated discussions with other students in their residences and with their families... and that they are "reading" the news and other media differently ....
it makes me feel that I might indeed make a difference... if not directly, then through them.
I do find it funny that all the times of hearing "I'll love you unconditionally" has always turned into breaking up over one or more conditions, or has eventually turned into a lie. It's gotten to the point where I think people just say that just because it sounds right.
As for colorblind, I like my people to be like confetti - every color and shape in the world, but with spirits high, here to bring joy in whatever way is given them.
I worked for a guy once who gave me tasks, but refused to set priorities. He said they were all priority, then later he'd complain that I was ignoring some particular task. I told him that if everything was priority, then nothing was priority and we had an argument. You can't accomplish much without priorities. You can't love much without conditions.
I loved a woman once (maybe still do) who said she loved me too and seemed to prove it. When I discovered that her love was a common occurance it lost much of its power. She said she is capable of loving many people in many different ways. Maybe she is/was, but my love had some conditions attached, one being a measure of exclusivity. If you love everybody without condition, you really love nobody.
I would love to read your "pages" about this, if you can do it.
Now tolerance implies a certain amount of acceptance to me. I was told I could not be considered a good professional until I could smile and say a warm hello to a co-worker who has insulted me on a personal level as well as a professional level. No, I don't accept this person as my equal in any way and I wouldn't want to be hers because I don't go that low. By not speaking to her except when absolutely necessary to complete a task, I am doing her a favor by not engaging in a conversation that is most likely to end with my suggestion that she take a bath and wash the b.o. out of her clothing.
Colorblind? What a euphemism! Someone who has no color vision would still notice Wil's nappy hair and features from his African ancestors, as much as they'd notice my straight hair and blueish greenish grayish eyes. And judgment would follow.
No one gets my love (or even my little thumbs up "like") for just being. I learned from my dogs. Never trust anyone right off, even if there's an offer of bacon in front of you.
@Sandy - I can't compromise myself enough to be that kind of professional. If professional involves being a total fake, I'll dance my way through amateur hour forever.
My other dog trusts 3 people: Me, Wil, and my daughter. My Aussie was the best. If he liked you, okay. If he didn't, piss on you - literally. He loved me, but I ignored him one day so he peed on my foot. Lesson learned.
Which was followed with my thoughts on people who wear their religion on their sleeve like a badge. In my experience, those that do that are the ones least likely to follow the "love" idea. They don't give (or FORgive for that matter), to those that need, unless they are the "right" kind of person. They will come up with excuses as to WHY that person is in the position they're in, instead of just handing them a sandwich, blanket, pair of gloves, some change, etc. etc.
I've had several discussions where I pointed out that my family, as an example, may not have much, but we have enough, and we give whatever extra we can to whomever needs it, regardless of "X adjective". I don't understand people witholding their whatever, based on some silly difference. And, they're usually the FIRST ones to use those buzzwords like, "colorblind" or "unconditional love". If those were "true" then the "X adjective" that bothers you so much about the person you refuse to help, wouldn't bother you AT ALL. Which, of course, leads to more excuses, and becomes a circular argument for why they don't REALLY need to do those "love" things that "JC is Love" seems to be about.
Didn't mean to turn this comment into a rant like that, but that call REALLY bothered me, and the timing was just TOO perfect. Excellent article Sandy.
tame: Yes!!!
Major rule of good parenting, Sandy. Wish more parents realized that that is one of their primary jobs, not being a 'best friend' to their kids. Thanks for that.
Seriously, I can love people but not love the things they do. If the 'things they do' spill over into the murderous and psychopathic, I honestly don't know how I would feel because I have never experienced anyone I love(d) doing something that terrible. So, as you as astutely point out, Sandy, one can never make that statement until the end of their lives when there is no time left for anything to happen that could possibly effect the 'unconditionality' of their love.
I do love it when Stephen Colbert goes on about being 'colorblind', though. It really drives home the point that that particular concept is thoroughly stupid and insulting.
And there's the dilemma. For me the heart of the matter is how one defines 'love'.
Coming to that realization has been one of the most painful and disappointing journeys of my life.
Brilliant!! If only I had known and accepted that years ago.
Exactly! I've used this argument to try and stop people from saying, "S/he doesn't love you," to people who have been abused (physically or emotionally). That's the last thing the person needs to hear. It's bad enough to have been mistreated, why do people want to also take away the love? I'd much rather hear people say, "I'm sorry that love isn't healthy for you. Store it in a great memory and move on."