Five People Prince William and Kate Middleton Shouldn't Invite To Their Wedding

After eight years of courting, Prince William and Kate Middleton have finally announced their engagement. Everyone is excited. Everyone is agog at the spectacle of another royal wedding after Prince Charles and the then Lady Diana Spencer. Everyone is biting their nails about the design of the wedding dress. Everyone on the planet is anticipating the nuptial date: 29 April 2011.

The engagement is on. Westminster Abbey is the chosen venue. Now, the head-scratching part begins. Who should and shouldn't be invited? The more interesting part is the don't invite list:

5. Mohamed Al Fayed

Al Fayed started all the conspiracy theory about the death of Princess Diana and his son and heir Dodi Al Fayed. If he is to be believed, Diana and Dodi are said to be contemplating marriage, which would have been a huge scandal to the future king, Prince William. Think of it this way: if Diana had married Dodi she would have converted to Islam and given William a Moslem sis or brod. And since cantankerous old Prince Philip, whom Al Fayed accused of plotting the murders, is likely to be invited, it's better for him and the senior Al Fayed not to meet.

4. Paul Burrell

Paul Burrell was Diana's butler at Kensington Palace who styled himself as the late princess "rock". (What she said actually was "you're wearing my frock!") Burrell, who went on to write a book and earn millions simply by cashing in on his relationship with Diana, would be all over town bragging about his invite, if he ever receives one. Do you really want to see him on CNN and Fox News blabbing about the event after the wedding?

3. Karl Lagerfeld

The designer famously called Diana "stupid" after a private meeting with Camilla Parker Bowles, who hasn't got the height or the looks to successfully wear his clothes. Lagerfeld obviously failed to distinguish between matrimonial duty from boudoir etiquette after meeting Camilla. Example: A twenty-something Diana sees Charles' valet squeezing toothpaste from a tube while the prince waits to brush his teeth. Diana's reaction: "Gawd, I'm married to a bloody fag!" While Camilla's would be: "Bravo, darling! That's the way to treat the hired help." Another example: Diana hears thirty-something Charles talking to his plants. Diana: "Go get a real job, you moron!" Camilla: "How fascinating, darling. Absolutely fascinating." Get the drift, Karl? And since Kate will not be expected to wear non-British fashion designers in the near future, who needs Karl, right?

2. Tom Parker Bowles

Poor Tom. Think about it, if Charles had married the non-virginal Camilla in the 70s, Thomas Henry Parkes Bowles would have been his first born. Prince Tom and Kate? Not elegant-sounding enough. A food writer and businessman, Tom famously had his first brush with fame when Camilla brought him to Charles and Diana's own wedding in 1981. The idea boggles the mind, doesn't it? The mistress and the royal godson sitting somewhere in the cavernous St. Paul's Cathedral watching smugly as their mutual benefactor gets married in high style. One reason for not inviting Tom? Imagine, but for a simple twist of fate all these could have been his: the royal title, the fame, the money, the girl. Hasn't the poor boy suffered enough?

1. Camilla Parker Bowles

Camilla Parker Bowles has since married her whiny Prince and acquired a royal title but to the millions of women who absolutely hate her guts, she will always be Camilla Parker Bowles, the mistress and homewrecker. Shower- and work-shy Camilla is the great love of Prince Charles' life. Why? Because she's dumb enough to encourage his buffoonery, his pseudo intellectualism (which consist mostly of talking to plants, criticizing visionary architects for building structures he doesn't have the talent nor the imagination to create in the first place), and writing members of parliament how hands-on his reign would be if his mom (the Queen) dies (finally) and he becomes king (which is likely to be 20 years from now). But the number one reason for not inviting Camilla to the wedding? Let's face it, the aging mistress is in desperate need of a makeover herself. Five years as a royal wife has brought her nothing but people's dislike and growing horror of her ever becoming queen. Queen Camilla? You can practically see the barleys shaking in terror in down under Australia, Canada and other Commonwealth countries. Camilla wants to rehabilitate her image by insinuating herself as Kate's mentor. You know, show her where things are like, you know, good grooming, fashion and all those girly stuff. Also, how to be totally charming and witty in private and so totally and devastatingly incompetent in public. Fox hunting, anyone?