LOS ANGELES.Â After an exhaustive peer-reviewed research project lasting the better part of a year, nanotechnologists at the University of Southern California have confirmed that Kim, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian, Armenian-American celebrities, have no talent.
"There had been some question in the minds of entertainment scientists as to the Kardashian sisters because they appear on reality television shows," said Dr. Robert Nardoff, a pioneer in the detection of talent in D-list celebrities.Â "I think we can lay that base canard to rest alongside the herisah, kashkag and other tasty Armenian dishes.Â Canards taste great with cucumber jajukh."
Nanotechnology, the study ofÂ incredibly teensy-tiny things, is a science that promises to transform our lives over the coming years withÂ sub-atomic robotsÂ thatÂ can downloadÂ iTunesÂ songs directly to the human brain.Â For now, however, nano-scientists say they areÂ satisfied to have achieved the first tangibleÂ evidence ofÂ the fieldâ€™s potential in running to ground the rumor, widely circulated in scientific journals such as US Weekly, that at least one of the three Kardashian sisters has talent.Â
"Like urban myths that link vaccines to autism, scientific rumors distract us from the important work that lies ahead of us," said Nardoff.Â "If we could get the exact measurement of Kim's booty, we might be able to confirm Einstein's prediction that light rays are bent when they pass by massive objects."
The Kardashians are "celebrities," a type of fauna first identified by dweeby historian Daniel J. Boorstin as someone who is "famous for being famous."Â The first name of each member of the Kardashian family begins with a K, and a backward facing K indicates that the Kardashian struck out looking, rather than swinging.