Faith in Bloody Shores for Whetstone

Life is a heavy burden

to bear alone

From thrills of a newborn

to death of a loved one

Bone rattling shock has begun

Waves bloody the shore

Minds conceive no more

Worlds turn upside down

Like an obsessive addict

destined to be underground

We find new reasons to live

Believe in escapes absinthe give

Self-destruction pierces the past

Future plans of bliss never last

They help us to crystallize

faith in paradise

We forgive to avoid peril

Intentions don’t paralyze

Relationships only sterilize

impossibly satisfied souls

In your feedback, I'd like you to consider the flow of this piece and whether or not you gain any meaning from it. I prefer my poems to have a universal appeal and people can relate.

Thank you.

Comments: 29

JustMe ~I'm happy to be~ Sep 5, 2010, 11:28am UTC

A very different type of poem from you, my friend. The texture and feel is new.

I really liked it a lot. So much truth.

Jennifer Lee Sep 5, 2010, 11:37am UTC

Thank you, JM. This one flowed after an incident last night and came straight from the soul. You tend to like those most from me. :))

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Ann Marcaida Sep 5, 2010, 11:30am UTC

(Whetstone Poetry): You seem to be describing Dante's Second Circle of Hell:

In the second circle of Hell are those overcome by lust... These souls are blown about to and fro by the terrible winds of a violent storm, without hope of rest. This symbolizes the power of lust to blow one about needlessly and aimlessly.

Jennifer Lee Sep 5, 2010, 11:38am UTC

I remember reading that in college. It must have stuck with me in my subconscious. Thanks for the analysis, Ann! Much appreciated.

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Ann Marcaida Sep 5, 2010, 11:31am UTC

Thanks for sharing with The Surreal Circus.

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Atticus *. Sep 5, 2010, 12:41pm UTC

Hi Jenn, thank you for joining Whetstone Poetry. I look forward to reading your poem. However when you post to this group you must follow the rather meager requirements designed to foster a more in depth conversation about poetry. Any work posted here must include a positive and/or negative critical analysis, description, or explanation by the author in the body of the post, below the work. You don't have to give up the punch line, just tell us what you like about it, what you don't like, what you were trying to achieve, something to get a real conversation about the strength or weakness of your poetry. You want criticism, then you start the ball rolling and we will talk about your ideas.

Please correct this oversight and we will be happy to look at your fine poem.

Atticus *. Sep 5, 2010, 12:41pm UTC

Also, please tag your post "whetstone"

Jennifer Lee Sep 5, 2010, 1:07pm UTC

Sounds like a plan. I'm going to edit a chapbook and run some errands first while I think about it. Thanks, Atticus!

Jennifer Lee Sep 6, 2010, 10:01am UTC

Morning Atticus! I've done what you asked and decided on the two most important aspects that I desire feedback about.

Atticus *. Sep 7, 2010, 6:17am UTC

Jennifer,

I find the poem to be sticking in intent. It seeks to describe the elephant in the room, the terrible tightrope of individuality. If we did not refuse to look at our own smallness and vulnerability most of the time, we would go mad with fear and awe of the universe around us. If this is the meaning, I think you could play it up a bit more. A poem like this needs contrast. I suggest turning up the volume and pushing it into a distinct inner/outer dialog. I like Ann's parallel with Dante also.

I think the poem flows pretty smoothly. There are a few places that could use an adjustment in count. But over all it works. Although, I would almost rather see longer lines on this poem. I think that that might soften the abrupt shift from the first stanza to the second. This is a little different for you Jenn. Kudos for branching out.

Whetstone

Jennifer Lee Sep 7, 2010, 9:59am UTC

Lots to think about. I'll definitely have another look at this one and edit. Thanks for the in-depth and generous critique. I appreciate it very much, Atticus.

Atticus *. Sep 7, 2010, 10:28am UTC

Jenn, just noticed my sp error. That should have been "I find the poem to be striking in intent." I'm not sure if you could decipher that.

Jennifer Lee Sep 7, 2010, 9:33pm UTC

Even with the spelling error, I read it as striking. I'm used to reading my first graders' work, I guess. lol Thanks for coming back, Atticus!

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Sharon P. Sep 5, 2010, 1:35pm UTC

This is very good.

Jennifer Lee Sep 6, 2010, 9:56am UTC

Thanks, Sharon!

Sharon P. Sep 6, 2010, 11:01am UTC

Your welcome.

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Angela A. Sep 5, 2010, 4:21pm UTC

Extremely lovely, cool, awesome, I could go on.

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Jennifer Lee Sep 6, 2010, 9:57am UTC

Thank you, Angela! It's different for me , but I'm glad you liked it.

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Kathryn Flynn Sep 7, 2010, 6:26am UTC

very interesting, jennifer, but I have to say I agree with atticus... i think your more personal poems work much better in execution and as poems.

Jennifer Lee Sep 7, 2010, 10:00am UTC

Hi Kathryn! It's personal, but maybe to vague for other people to grasp. It's about my fear of abandonment yet I love to be in love and fall in love. I know deep down it can save us. Thanks for reading.

Kathryn Flynn Sep 7, 2010, 10:04am UTC

oh Jenn, I am so glad you shared that comment. Such a natural feeling and we all have it and relate to it. Make it more personal, more detail, more emotion, so we can all feel what we fear - to want to be in love but to fear the abandonment.

Jennifer Lee Sep 7, 2010, 9:33pm UTC

Will do, editing now, thanks, K!

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Barbary C. Sep 7, 2010, 2:09pm UTC

Hi,Jennifer,

Perhaps some personal asides with each stanza, you thinking of abandonment, etc?
Kudos on your ability and desire to grow in your art...wonderful.

Jennifer Lee Sep 7, 2010, 9:36pm UTC

Hi Barbary! I am editing now. This poem has deep, personal meaning and I want the reader to really feel it. Thank you for reading. I always cherish your support of perfecting our craft.

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Ruthi C. Sep 7, 2010, 10:14pm UTC

Jennifer, this read smoothly for me, but then, I read poetry aloud, and with a poet's ear. And I felt every emotion in every line; most I recognized all too well.

Jennifer Lee Sep 7, 2010, 10:21pm UTC

Hi Honey! I just did a revised version. I think you'll find an improvement. Would you mind reading it real quick? The new one is called "Faith In Paradise." Thanks!

Thomas Washington Sep 8, 2010, 11:54am UTC

heh: i read the second one first...-it's an improvement, most definitely--and yet, it was this title that snatched me! "Faith In Paradise", while consistent with your intention(s), came across as...generic?

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Faith in Bloody Shores for Whetstone

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Comments: 29

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