I lost my mother to Bipolar Disorder.Â This disgustingly evil disease has taken my security and safety away from me, POOF!!! In an instant.Â
I had a very hard time dealing with her death.Â Began to have up to five panic attacks a day.Â Had an intense fear of dying.Â Even though my mother overdosed, I still felt like I was going to get sick and die for some reason.Â I went through three years of intense therapy three times a week, learned to meditate and find my "safe place" when the world seems to be crumbling around me to give me time to step out of the situation for just a few minutes so I can make the best decision possible.Â
In October of 2001, I myself was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.Â Now remember, I already hated this disorder for taking my mother away from me.Â How could I live with this horrible beast inside me?Â
It's been nine years now and I still start bawling everytime mother's day rolls around and I try to avoid any stores, but somehow I always end up seeing them anyway.Â All the pretty roses, balloons and cards that say Happy Mother's Day all over them.Â I always feel like kicking them over and yelling F@#k Mother's Day!
Don't get me wrong, I've had quite a run in with the disorder myself.Â Several attempted overdoses, messed up meds, being sooo manic i have to be hospitalized for exhaustion and dehydration.Â But, I'm doing it, this life thing.Â It's all I can do, right?Â I'm trying as best I can and when the superior being decides it's my time, then I'll go.Â But, not before.
My heart goes out to all families that are victims of another family member suicide.Â I go through the guilt and the whys' everyday, so don't for one second think you're alone.Â Someday, when we're all ready, we will have the answers to all those questions and more.Â Until then, all we can do is hope, pray and try to stay sane by keeping the loved one's memory alive.
My baby girl, she's twelve now, argued with me that her amah has not been gone that long.Â She was only three when it happened.Â We talk about her and look through pictures a lot.Â I just love that I have kept her memory alive at least for this generation.