Bipolar Diaries pt. 8 - Energy Shift

The energy was completely negative today.  I have a black mass of bubbling tar inside of me.  I want to explode.  I want to hide in a dark place for weeks.  If I stop talking I feel nobody would notice.  I want to cry until I have no tears left inside of me.  I want to die.

Everybody thinks Bipolar Disorder is just “oh she’s depressed for most of the time and then sometimes she’s really really happy”.  There’s anger, immense internal anguish, physical pain, suicidal thoughts/tendencies/attempts, extreme fear, hatred of identifiable means, absolute despair….the symptoms never end and never cease to surprise me with their ferocity.  Not to mention acting upon impulses no matter how insane they are without being able to rationally think about what you are doing.

I have run out of necessities, I won’t be able to see my doctor next month, I won’t be able to get my pills which means the crazy that I feel all the time will become more real than anybody is able to deal with.  The state medical system is horrid.  I am not pregnant nor am I disabled therefore I cannot receive state medical assistance.  Yet I am mentally ill and cannot work or afford medical insurance.  If I am not to take my pills I can harm others and or myself but that’s just fine by the state because I am not pregnant when I do so.   The horrid thing is I already hate people extremely; I want to beat stupid people senseless, I even have dreams about it and sometimes daydreams.  When situations come up I later think about how I could have physically harmed that person or persons.  I want to scream obscene and horrifically violent things at people until their eyes bleed.

I’d like to be committed please.
I’d like people to understand.
I’d like people to help when I can’t help myself.

Andrew’s money magically disappeared so he can’t get anything he needs nor can I.  No party cares to help and buy some small things I need.  In fact his step-father had the nerve to ask me how much money I have on my link card because they might need it.  IT IS MINE AND ANDREW’S MONEY FOR FOOD BECAUSE WE EAT SEPARATE FROM THEM AND HAPPEN TO EAT A DIFFERENT DIET AS WE ARE VEGETARIANS SO NO YOU CAN’T USE MY DAMN FOOD STAMPS WHEN YOU WON’T EVEN BUY ME RAZORS WITH ANDREW’S MONEY THAT YOU ARE HOARDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  He’s being cheated and he can’t do anything about it.  When I get the means to I am saving every dime and we are moving out of state.   Then I am to be interrogated about some of her pills that she is short on.

There’s the other ugly side of how people treat those with Bipolar Disorder: we are all criminals in the eyes of those who do not understand.  Cuff me and haul me to jail since I am to be put on trial anytime something goes wrong.  This is not the first time this has happened in this house or period.

Powers of the universe please take me away.

© Nina Allen