Thank You Everyone
As we progress into the year 2010, I want to
thank all of you for your educational e-mails
over the past year. I am totally screwed up
now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a bathroom door without
using a paper towel, or have the waitress put
lemon slices in my ice water without worrying
about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can’t use the remote in a hotel room
because I don’t know what the last person
was doing while flipping through the adult
movie channels.
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread
because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with
someone who has been driving because the
number one pastime while driving alone is
picking one’s nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt
trip because I can only imagine how many
gallons of trans fats I have consumed over
the years.
I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear
she has placed it on the floor of a public
bathroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to
whoever sent me the one about rat poop in
the glue on envelopes because I now have to
use a wet sponge with every envelope that
needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every
can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I
gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is
about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me
for participating in their special e-mail
forwarding program.
I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll
wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my
kidneys gone.
I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens
are actually horrible mutant freaks with no
eyes, feet or feathers.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants
even though I smell like a water buffalo on a
hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my
prayers only get answered if I forward an
e-mail to seven of my friends and make a
wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer
drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet
stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone
along to watch the car so a serial killer
doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling
up.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the
people who make these products are atheists
who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the
microwave because it causes seven different
types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I
can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face,
disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the movies because I
could be pricked with a needle infected with
AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping malls because
someone will drug me with a perfume sample
and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS
or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda
agents in disguise.
And I no longer answer the phone
because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with
calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and
Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-
Marcus since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet
but mine because a big black snake could be
lurking under the seat and cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I
can’t ever pick up coin dropped in the parking
lot because it probably was placed there by a
sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend
over.
I no longer drive my car because buying
gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda,
and buying gas from all the others supporting
South American dictators.
I can’t do any gardening because I’m
afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and
my hand will fall off.
.
.
.
.
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least
144,000 people in the next 70 minutes,
a large dove with diarrhea will land on
your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow
afternoon, and the fleas from 120
camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will
occur because it actually happened to a
friend of my next door neighbor’s
ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s
cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . . . . .
.
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina ,
after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with insufficient brain
activity read their e-mail with their hand
on the mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too
late.
P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the
living room, because I was told by
e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out
of the toilet.
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Comments: 38
...Since he is a Nigerian Prince, he ONLY rides the Royal Nigerian Pink Elephants.
Tsk tsk tsk.
...He certainly would NOT be riding up on a sea horse?
the last one especially got to me because just this morning Steve's sister was down here going on about some germ killing stuff for toothbrushes and added in about the germs in the toilet that splash out when you flush....oh boy
You can stop that by droping the "seat cap" to cover the seat,