Breaking Down The New Cast of "Celebrity Rehab"

While I love trashy reality shows and most things VH1, Celebrity Rehab has never been a show that I’ve gotten into. That may all soon change. The cast for the long-running guilty pleasure’s newest season? “Insane” would be putting it lightly.

Making Spencer look good. via Hollywood Headaches

Who is he? Lauren Conrad’s ex-boyfriend from The Hills and Laguna Beach, and general all-around “bad boy.” Where did we last see him? Well in March, he was arrested for his sixth time in recent memory. Why do Celebrity Rehab? Well, see above. And with The Hills off the air, any chance of him scoring a cameo for a future season seems to be gone. So, I guess this as good as it gets. Wow. Even I’m depressed for him now.

Yep, looks about right. via Ministry of Gossip

Who is she? A former supermodel and current ex-reality show washup. Where did we last see her? Questionable. But most people probably last remember her for her participation in last year’s short-lived summer reality show/mess I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! Why do Celebrity Rehab? Well, she hasn’t been on TV in a while. And the Janice Dickinson craze from last year is over. So, why not choose now to say goodbye to alcohol and be televised for it at the same time?

His brain is the only thing that got kidnapped. via NYDN

Who is he? An actor who starred on Party of Five and Seventh Heaven. Where did we last see him? An ironic question, since for a while no one knew. Maybe the side of a milk carton? Allegedly, he was kidnapped and forced to smoke crack with three armed men. Why do Celebrity Rehab? Even though he claimed after his “kidnapping” that he’s been completely sober recently, only a true crackhead could come up with some ridiculous story like that. ‘Nuf said.

Just a girl on a sidewalk...no joke here. via The Improper

Who is she? A professional whore. Seriously. She’s the main Tiger mistress. Where did we last see her? All over the place during the winter. Remember when Tiger Woods was a hero? Well this is the girl who pretty much single-handedly ended that. Actually, that’s giving her too much credit. It was she and about a hundred other I guess… Why do Celebrity Rehab? Early talk about a potential reality show seems to have fizzled. With no golfer to pad her pockets anymore, she needs someone to pay the bills. Why not Dr. Drew?

Bloody good photo. Not. via The Hollywood Gossip

Who is he? A singer that was popular in the 1970’s. While rampant drug abuse was accepted then, today it will only land you on reality TV. Where did we last see him? In his mugshot (above), which was taken last February. Why? He was arrested carrying heroin into a Los Angeles subway station. Why do Celebrity Rehab? Did you read the last sentence? Who brings heroin into subway stations? Actually, who goes into subway stations in the first place anyway? This will be his third attempt to break his heroin addiction. Oy.

Aren't gummy bears supposed to be cute? via Hollywood Gossip

Who is he? The grandson of Marvin Davis, who once owned Fox. Now he’s a “socialite” that appears on TMZ with the nickname “Gummi Bear.” Where did we last see him? On a disgustingly scary episode of Millionaire Matchmaker back in February. While appearances on that show typically make people call the millionaires desperate, Jason’s appearance made people call the show desperate. Wow. Why do Celebrity Rehab? He was in rehab at the start of the year for drugs, so probably that. Hopefully he’ll stop eating there too.

I'm not sure, but I think this is her. via MZeus

Who is she? Keyshia Cole’s mother. Where did we last see her? Probably no where. We almost have to ask who Keyshia Cole is. Why do Celebrity Rehab? Why not?

Sadly, Tila Tequila dropped out of this season before it could begin. Thankfully no one cares.

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