I'm asking this question because frankly I'm curious of your answers and this is a situation that I am dealing with regarding my daughter and her father and step-mother. My ex and his wife have two young boys under four that they adopted.
They live in a house with four bedrooms and each boy has his own room. The extra room is a first floor master bedroom that has been turned into a play room for the two boys. They also have a family room, formal living room and a dining room on the the first floor. For the last year, since the second boy was adopted, my daughter has no longer had a room of her "own" at her fathers. All of her clothing and other items she had there were sold in a yard sale or given to charity. The furniture that her uncle custom painted for her has been re-painted and given to the youngest boy.
My 16 year old daughter has to either sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag or on the couch which she says smells like cat pee. When she came home from a visit to his house last weekend she said that her toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, shampoo and a few other items that she had her previous visit were gone. Her father got upset with her when she asked him to take her to the store so that they could get her a toothbrush.
I asked my ex if it was true that my daughter didn't have a bed or a bedroom to sleep in. He said that he and his wife were discussing getting a bed to put in the "play room" but other than that only the people that lived there full time would have a room of their own.
Your thoughts?
recommend
Facebook
Twitter
bookmark 
print
Comments: 77
What a rotten situation. My sympathies for your daughter.
My feeling is if she has to stay overnight there regularly, she needs a space of her own and a bed. She also needs a place to keep the toiletries and clothes she would need. They don't want to give her a whole room, but why not a bed and a folding screen and a dresser for her things? That's not asking too much even if she only spends weekends there.
I will no longer force her to go there anymore.
Going to court probably won't solve anything either. My neice lives with her mother and step father....they are court ordered to provide her a separate room, but they don't. She is 12 and sharing a room with her 11 yr old step brother. My brother has tried to get custody and has tried to get the courts to force the bedroom issue, but so far, nothing is being done.
I wouldn't want her to go back there. With that kind of treatment, I don't think any court would force her to stay there, even if your ex wanted her to, which he seems not to care.
My answers are going to be a lot different than most people on this because I know you (and her) in real life.
I was very disgusted with him after our conversation and have to assume that some of the issues I am having to deal with regarding Sara are a direct result of how she has been made to feel by her father and step-monster. I can understand the anger issue a bit better.
My immediate reaction was that she's playing you off him though. She does that with your mom. So I can't help but think she would with him too. It's something to at least consider is all I am saying. But then again, I wasn't privy to the conversation nor do I know your ex.
It became quite clear while talking to him that she is only a "visitor" in his home. He was actually upset because she didn't clean the four bathrooms while she was there last weekend.
Second of all at 16 she can refuse to go and tell her Dad she is not an unpaid weekend babysitter and that she would rather spend A DAY alone with him doing something and then come home and sleep in her own bed at night and she is perfectly legal in doing so.
Also did she get the money for her things that were sold? As for taking her furniture and giving it to the other child, if this was a gift from her Uncle then she should demand to bring it home as it was given to her and was not theirs to do with as they pleased.
If he would want to go to court she would get to have her say in front of the judge. You might also want to drop a bomb on him that now that she is older she is also more expensive and a review and raise in child support might be order.
No she got nothing from her things being sold. She picked the furniture out when her dad and step-monster got married. Her step-monsters brother, who my daughter loves because he is a nice guy, painted it especially for her. They didn't want to buy new furniture for the newest boy and since they were going to give him her room they painted the furniture to match the decor they chose for the nursery.
It will be her decision to go back to his house or not.
Remember, being the oldest daughter in this case, she will likely choose his nursing home.
Of course I care if my child is comfortable at his place, I'd love to see her have a positive and loving relationship with her father but it doesn't look like that is going to happen. I don't think his wife wants the competition.
My daughter only goes back to his house if she chooses to, no one is going to force her.
No, it sounds as if the stepmother is carefully re-directing his attention to the family they have created and nudging the daughter out of the picture.
And since she is his wife, he is going to do whatever it takes to keep her happy because he lives with her.
Been through something similar with my son and his father and multitude of girlfriends and wife no. 2 (I was No. 1), but thank heavens, wife no. 3 seems a decent person. My son still won't go see his father, though--far too much history there and neither one knows how to get past it.
She should have a bedroom to sleep in even if it is shared with another child. Being relegated to the playroom or any non-bedroom is unwelcoming at any age, guests have an option children need to feel included and welcomed.
What a disrespectful thing to do with your daughters possessions, yard sale, repainting her furniture, all of these are a clear message of not being welcomed in the "New family". She has been devoiced/abandoned by her father! That is so much Crap! :^(
Can any daughter imagine being erased from their fathers' history? I cannot continue!
Soooo sorry!
But if I ever slipped and said anything deragotory, it made her love him and hate me .
Soon I learned to just let it be. Let her decide when to accept spending time with him.
Now at 30 something, she calls him her sperm donor and Donald her daddy.
,,,,,,,,,So unless you end up having to go to court, tell her it is her decision to make about going.
Different states have different age requirements--here in Mississippi, I think it is still 16, but with curfew restrictions for the first 6 months or until they turn 17.
The man has a daughter, not a slave and need to learn to treat her as such!
Live-in servants get a room of their own, wages and days off. She's not getting any of that.
I would agree with everyone saying forget the courts, let her be the 'bigger' person and decide what she would like to do. I would also suggest that if you do give her the power to decide to go or not, make sure EVERYONE knows this. I say this so her -father- can not bring it back on you by saying you did not let her come over.
I have a 13yr old step daughter, who has a sperm donor that has not talked to her in over 5 years now....(a whole other story) There is no way I would allow her to have to share a room with a boy (related, step, or whatever) I feel a 16yr old should have the privacy of an adult...until they loose that trust...i.e. boyfriend in the room when not suppose to.
Long story short.....give her the power to choose. Tell you her will support her no matter what she chooses as long as it is her deciding-no guilt from either side.
I'm assuming now that she is a teen and not cute a cuddly anymore and they have two cute and cuddly ones there, she is not important anymore and the teen attitude can be unwelcome even in good times.
I 'd love to know how this ends. I'm guessing she will bail on dad and just drive you crazy. I know how important that every other weekend for yourself can be when that's all you get.
If it were a perfect world her dad would demand space for her. Since he isn't I think Step Monster is calling the shots and dad's too weak to stand up to her.