Creepy Valentines from days gone by

Just because I'm in a bad mood tonight, I'm going to ruin it for you, too. Real Valentine cards from days gone by (thank God), as well as some other oddities of the day.

Some Valentine's cards found on Cap'n Wacky

"A great big surprise for you" ... written on the knees of something one could only describe as a cross between a tomato the Man in the Moon and a creature out of "The Puppet Master". I shudder to see that the eyes are ... cut out! It gives me chills to think they might have been pried open to reveal ... God knows what! And a "great big surprise"? Oh my God what more of a surprise could they offer you? The hat perched on the right head lump dates this to an era of my mother. This explains a LOT about our relationship. This card speaks of years of therapy and wire hangers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another one from my mother's generation. "We would make a happy pair/pear"? Um ... look at the expression. Another Man on the Moon look-alike with a cone-head pear-top, holding ... what? This looks like they took an illustration from a children's nursery rhyme book (Georgie Porgie puddin' and pie...?) and pasted a hideous pear-face in place of the head. The artist proudly signed this, too. This threatens to give me nightmares and I'm far from being a child!

 

 

 

 

 

That face. That angelic face. He wants to burn a brand into the flesh of some unsuspecting "little red-head girl"! This is circa my childhood, and it doesn't revive any good memories, I can tell you that. Just what any small child wants ... a pigeon-toed Campbell's Soup cowboy pressing a red-hot iron against his or her skin.

 

 

 

 

From Cap'n Unfortunate: A man's suit, a woman's face, a child's body. No pants, but an impossibly draped piece of cloth covering the answer to the question on everyone's mind.

 

'Cause "loving thoughts" would be all you'd have after you smashed your heads together like two old goats? Why am I hearing the song, "You've lost that loving feeling"?

 

Um ... can y'all say "Brokeback Mountain"? I knew you could.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I prefer my Valentines to wear clothes. Thanks for playing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Uh ... hmmm ... uh ... what? What's happening here? Who would you give this to?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. Why is he wearing a skirt? 2. Why is he rubbing his nipples?

 

 

 

 

 

 

And now for something completely different. Well, not really. It's just a little different, sort of. From Canada.com comes a story of some Valentine's cards pulled for "disturbing" messages. Like:

• ...wish you were floating face down in a river
• ...let's be the kind of friends who throw up a little each time we see each other

Who marketed the cards? Why Scholastic Canada Ltd. of course. Sold to a third grade student. Startin' 'em out young, eh? A little more disturbing is that the line was called "Happy Bunny" Valentines that were intended for children in grades 4 to 8. Eh? That's so much better! The Canadian company tries to make themselves sound less culpable by saying the cards were based on the "U.S. writer" Jim Benton. Oh, well, we all know those people are cracked, right?

When I looked up Jim Benton and Happy Bunny, I found It's Happy Bunny "Life. Get one." book. "Perfect for graduation" ... Down here we call that 12th grade, but apparently Jim said the cards were marketed for 11 year old kids.

Oh, and while you're checking out Jim Benton, take a look at his "Don't make the crazy girl angry" line of clothing boasting clever sayings such as, "I'm not mean, you're just a sissy" and "I like to make boys cry". Definitely primo Valentine's Day wear.