FAIRFIELD, Conn.Â Pop music superstar John Mayer today issued an apology to his right handÂ for sexually explicit comments he made in a forthcomingÂ interview with Playboy magazine.
"Do-do-wacka-wacka-do-do . . ."
"I need to stop trying to be so raw in interviews," Mayer said of his comment that his favorite sexual partner is himself.Â "I've never been the sort of guy who would kiss and tell, and I'm a little disappointed with myself."
Mayer's right hand (not shown actual size)
Mayer's right hand is responsible forÂ plucking the stringsÂ of his guitar, and travels with him to all live engagements.Â "Yes we've fooled around, who hasn't?" his right hand told entertainment reporters who gathered outside the men's room at Bradley Airport in Hartford, Connecticut.Â "Can anyone of you honestly tell me that your first love wasn't attached to one of your arms?"
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Mayer has been linked romantically to Jessica Simpson, whom he said wasÂ "sexual napalm", and Jennifer Aniston, the former "Friends" star who is eight years older than him, whom he likened to "sexual Round-Up, you know, the systemic, broad-spectrum herbicide whose principal active ingredient is glyphosphate."
Do not take this stuff into the bathroom with you.
Mayer went out of his way to praise his right hand, saying "I have unbelievable orgasms alone.Â They're always the best.Â They always end the way I want them to end," thereby avoiding the ugly recriminations that have followed his break-ups with other lovers.
"These shoes?Â Uh, my hand says they look good on me."
With Valentine's Day approaching, Mayer's hand said it is hoping for a "make-up" present for the revelations contained in the tell-all interview.Â "I'm thinking of something small," it said, "and I don't mean a guitar pick."