You'll find someone when you're not looking...

i know what you mean i have been with out a man since 1995 and doing just fine

Telling someone that is as dumb as telling an infertile couple they will get pregnant if they relax. Relaxing has nothing to do with achieving a successful pregnancy...finding a friend/partner has nothing to do with not looking.

Good words Ellie. I think you have to be out and people (your close friends) should know you're open to meeting someone. At the same time, I have seen some people just get stressed out over to the point that it ruins his/her life. Try to strike a balance.

You dont need a partner to be happy!!
I have been alone for almost 2 years. i just dont have time for another kid..LOL

I agree with you. I used to think I had to have someone. I know I don't now..would just be nice lol

Sorry I respect your feelings on this but I disagree. I think people...not necessarily you...don't grasp what is meant when people say that to them. I am guilty of telling this to people but the deeper meaning in the saying is that concentrating on yourself and making yourself happy without actively looking for a partner will sometimes make you more confident which then will attract the attention of others. Even if a person is not physically active in looking (going to clubs, internet dating...) in their mind the search is still on and it can affect the way they interact with people they meet.

I am sure your not the only person who does not like when people make that statement so perhaps someone knows a better thing to say and will share it.

I completely feel the same way that Linda does as I too have been guilty of saying that to others.

I believe that one must be receptive to meeting someone. You say that when you go to the grocery store, or wherever that you are not looking but then you say that you are. The deal is if you are receptive, that look on your face can speak volumes. A smile or a simple hello to someone when you're out shopping or wherever can be all that is needed to get that certain someone to come over to you to start a conversation. From there the art of flirting is also a good thing.

Keep on smiling and you WILL find a partner out there as the world is full of lonely people.

Good luck!

I agree with Esther and Linda. I wish you the best of luck.

i'm guessing then that you guys didn't really read what she wrote. Esther, she wasn't saying one thing then the opposite, she said she wasn't NOT looking either. Which means she's keeping her optins open but not letting looking for a man run her life. I know you guys are trying to help her, but I think you missed the point.

Anne, I assure you I did indeed read Laura's entire article. I believe the point she was trying to make was that she does not like when people use the expression "you will find someone when your not looking". In my response I explain that I have been guilty of using that expression. I then proceed to explain what I mean when I do use that expression.

You're right. That statement goes along the same lines as a watched pot never boils and other crap of the like. The TRUTH is this... SOME people will find someone when they are not '"looking", and SOME people will find someone when they are "looking". The really unfortunate thing is... Not all the people that others "find" is really worth all that much.

I couldn't agree with you more!! well said!

Yes, those words can be a wee bit offensive especially coming from someone who is in a long term relationship and who has never been alone. I have been "alone" for nearly 20 years though alone is maybe not quite the right word since I live with my daughter, her partner, my three grandsons, two dogs and a cat.

I do have my cat...he is a boy...well sorta..got him fixed lol

Single and looking? If you don't meet Mr. Right at the library, it doesn't sound like you put yourself into a "looking" position very much. Doing volunteer work is probably a better place to actually meet and talk to people than in the library or grocery store. You're right: not looking hasn't worked for you.

she doesn't meet them at the library because she doesn't drive. I'm sure she loved to do volunteer work, at least she's said so in the past, but in our area there are no buses.

While I don't think this is true for all people, I do think it happens.

I do think it happens for some people.

I think it is true, but I think it means to do whatever makes you happy and to not actively look. Join clubs and organizations you enjoy. Make yourself happy.

thanks! that's what i'm trying to do. I spent to many years worrying about "the one"...now i'm just trying to worry about me and be a good person

I hated this line after my divorce until I did find someone when I was not looking, LOL. Actually, I wound up meeting people when I was having fun, doing stuff I wanted to do because I liked it. Never did any of that "looking" stuff either...pif

that's what i'm doing...living life and trying to have fun! i'm glad it worked for you!

Laura, I say: To Each His or Her Own! If you feel that way, then 'So Be It'.

thanks for that!

I'm going to comment without reading the other comments and give you my first reaction to what you posted. If...you don't drive (I know you can't help it), you don't internet date, don't look for people at the store, library, bar or even go on a blind date...you must be expecting Prince Charming to just come knock on the door??

You know I like you...and I'm not at all trying to be harsh, just honest. I haven't dated in decades, but I have friends that are single. I know it is really horrible, difficult and frustrating. BUT...I've read your "is it too much to ask" posts and now this one. I would be thrilled for you to meet someone, you deserve it....you are a smart, funny and caring woman. BUT...you may have to compromise a bit on the wish list and you may have to go on blind dates, keep trying the internet thing, reconnect with old high school friends on FB, start a conversation with someone at the store...lots of times to find someone that you might just enjoy. I think people can spend all their time "looking" and forget to enjoy life along the way, that is a mistake. But, if you aren't looking and open to the possibility that the guy who delivers your mail, or sits at the next table at the library just might be a kind, single guy...there isn't a chance of connecting with someone.

her wish list was meant to be a bit tonge & cheek. she had said in that article she'd "like" a man to have some of those things, she didn't say all of them. there is noting wrong with wanting things. I am positive she didn't mean he had to measure up to a checklist.

you're right Anne, I don't mean they have to have everyone of those qualities...it was just a "wish list" i'd be happy with just a few of them..

I think a lot of you TOTALLY missed what she was trying to say. She never said she wasn't open to dating, just that she doesn't make it her life's focus. She's right, that line is probably one of the dumbest things you can say to a person!

I do understand exactly what Laura is saying. I also know that she would love to have someone in her life (she has said so) and that she deserves to have someone in her life...I consider her a friend, I meant nothing harsh towards her at all. What I am saying is that most people today meet others through friends (blind dates), at work or online. She said she wouldn't go on a blind date, won't date online and I know because of health issues she isn't working outside the home. Therefore...how do you meet someone?

My comments was simply to suggest that she shouldn't close the door on the options simply because they haven't worked in the past.

I didn't say I wouldn't go on a blind date. I just don't because I don't get set up on any. I think since i'm 40 my family and friends have given up trying lol I have dated online, but didn't meet anyone worth being in a relationship with..to many liars and married fellas lol. I also can't afford the dating sites, or i'd give Eharmony a try.

First, I agree with Laura about that statement, it truly is wrong to say.

Second, people need to read the posts in their entirety.
And, 'if you can't say anything nice to someone, don't say anything at all'.

thanks Wayne. you've always been a great friend, and I really appreciate that you've never said that to me!

thanks for the comments everyone. I wasn't saying I wouldn't date, I was just saying it's hard since I don't have transportation. I really wish there were buses in my area, but there aren't. if i'm meant to meet someone though, I will. I am open to the possibility, but i'm not letting being alone run my life and thoughts...

Thank you. It just seems to me that those 'statements' come from people that are IN relationships and they even fail or forgot how difficult it was to be alone. Looking back on my life, and in my journals, I can tell you that I had the belief that I, too, would be alone for the rest of my life. That truly isn't the case, at least now. But, still I have NEVER forgotten what it was like and that statement is NOT true, and never has been. "When you stop looking, it'll happen. You'll find someone." PHOOEY! There's more to and more than 'divine intervention'.
I completely understand about having no transportation, etc. And, I am encouraged by your view when you state, "if I'm meant to meet someone, I will." That, to me, is very encouraging.

I hope, from now on, people actually READ a post completely BEFORE making any comment. To those that have, thank you.

I am single, but seeing someone at the moment. And I always hate it when people try to give me unsolicited advice.
pif

Maybe I'm an exception. I had made up my mind to quit dating for a while and enrolled in college to finish my degree while working full time. Two weeks into classes, I met my husband, fell in love and never looked back. We married 8 months after meeting.