Open discussion: The pros and cons to multigenerational living

I think, with the economy the way it is, more and more people will be returning to the multi generational household. Any stigma surrounding it, in my opinion, grew from the time of prosperity when people could afford to go into debt and buy their own house, their own car, etc. Children were suddenly expected to leave the nest, not stay. It's something that my family has discussed in depth, considering we have one senior in high school and one freshman.

Again, just my opinion, but as long as anyone in the house is able and willing to contribute to the house, there should be no shame. Millions are homeless because of the negative opinion of living with the family. I think there should be no shame when you're doing what's best for the family, not just thinking of how it will look to the rest of the world.

Of course, that's based on the theory that everyone who can, is helping out. Whether it's working to pay towards bills or just helping maintain the house, as long as everyone is pitching in, it will work. When you have people who are unwilling to do their part, then there's a problem.

"Again, just my opinion, but as long as anyone in the house is able and willing to contribute to the house, there should be no shame."

Chris, you hit on the cooperative nature of living with multiple people. That doesn't just mean children, or parents, or being the sandwich generation. It is universal... and I'd wager if worked right, positive.

It's a nice topic for today.

I mentioned to my kid the possibility of moving back in with me as I have a 4 bedroom house a year or so ago, and he said that he would never do that because of the school system in St Cloud. Therefore, I'll help him stay in Sartell where the schools are much better. I have been doing that for the last two years or so already and I expect I’ll to need to do that for the next few months or maybe more also.

Without my financial help there’s no way he and his family could stay there, even if they lost their home and needed to rent, as the rent there is way too high for what he can make now. He went through bankruptcy a little over a year ago, and so far I have bought ( I just put them on a Visa account) his (very cheap as he works at a Ford dealer) cars for transportation and given away mine but with his back problems couldn’t use it so it was traded in for another. He’s on the road toward financial recovery.

I guess I’ll go on. His wife was thrown in jail by her dad a few years back for stealing money from her Grandma and as she was paying her bills there was no way that she could prove anything. She spent the night in jail. But now she has a felony on her record and she was going to school to be a nurse aid and in a job where she could have been hired she due to the routine background check wasn’t. Now the plan is to finish the basement in their new home and for her to get a license for day care both are now underway.

My kid used to be recruiting Investment Bankers in New York, Frisco, Texas and Boston. However for some reason that all dried up and he needed to do something else, so now he sells Fords. He’s doing ok however needs help financially. Doing day care, is just up his wife’s line of work as she has, as long as I’ve known her, had jobs where she took care of indigent disabled folks or children. They should be doing fine sometime next year, I figure.

Richard I hope your kid realizes how very cool it is to get the offer... even if they don't take you up on it, it is a safety net.

Multi-generational living used to be the expected behavior. The nuclear family of parents and dependent children is the deviant form. Therefore we know for sure that several generations of the same family living together can work just fine.

However, our own experience and our recently generated (last 200 years) social norms for the family have suited us far more to living apart from our parents once we reach adulthood.

Therefore, we need to learn new (for us) ways of doing things in order to make an extended family comfortable.

If it is any consolation, the ease of long distance communications will gradually make such accommodations easier as the century progresses. Of course it may take 50 years or so. :-)

It is funny, Larry, although I grew up in that nuclear family household my cousins lived next door and Grandparents/other Uncle&Aunt both lived within walking distance. It felt a bit like having brothers who happened to have their bedrooms and toys in a different house, that's all. Could we have consolidated bills and all lived together? Sure. But I bet it would have put a lot of pressure on the adults.

Julia, the pressure would exist because we no longer have the right norms for extended family living. If we expected the grandfather to control all spending and the parents to select the spouses for the children and so forth, lots of that pressure would go away. For example, since there would be several (in most families) breadwinners, there would not be the pressure on any one of them to succeed. The family could get along just fine without that income for a time.

If you want a really different view of family structure and family norms read the science fiction novel "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress" by Robert A. Heinlein. It describes quite well an extended family system which is multi-generational and has very little stress.

That's a really good point about multiple incomes into one home. It also means more hands for home maintenance and family efforts. Then again, the frustration could go up to 11 too *grin*

Oh man, I haven't picked up a Heinlein in a looooong time... thanks for the recommendation.

If the family roles are properly arranged the the frustration is minimal. Parenting, for example, is shared over a large enough number of people that most can do just that part at which they do best. The children benefit and there's less stress.

Really, such families were the norm at one time and were quite successful.

Multi-generational living as you call it is a way of life in my country, the Philippines. Most of us grew up with our grandparents in our home. Those of us whose parents had their own households right off the bat after marriage, always knew that they would have an open door when it came to the care and protection of their older parents. There was no question of sending them to nursing homes or assisted living centers when the time came and the parents became too old or ill to care for themselves.

There is always a reverence and sense of respect for the elderly that is an ingrained part of the Filipino culture. A far as I know, and until a few years ago, there were no nursing homes in the country... there was no need for them. Families took care of their own elderlies at home with the help of visiting doctors and nurses. I suspect this is true with most Oriental countries.

"There was no question of sending them to nursing homes or assisted living centers when the time came and the parents became too old or ill to care for themselves."

Just thinking aloud here Duckie, do you think longer lifespans and the intensity of care needed (sometimes) makes people reconsider bringing family members into the household?

I don't think so... it has always been a matter of gratitude, not a burden, for families to see their parents living longer with them. The older parents get, the more respected and revered they are by the kids and grandkids. Parents have always sacrificed a lot to make lives easier for their kids, giving them the best of everything, sending them to the best schools, etc... afterwards, the kids are traditionally obligated to make sure their parents have proper care in their golden years. This unspoken *obligation* is passed on to the younger generation of grandkids too, so it is not a light matter.

It certainly is a clear cycle. We really don't have anything that compares, do we?

My wife grew up on the farm where multi-generational living was the norm. Everyone hated it. It is one thing not to get along with the in-laws, it is another to live with them and not get along.

There will be more and more of this, but the big question is, can we adapt culurally?

Think about that for a moment. Much of our culture is alienated youth culture.... How much of that will survive when the parents control the remote?

Greg might have hit the question. Can we adapt culturally?

Clearly, for many people living on their own/with the family they've made is ideal. It is hard to adapt to that cooperation after experiencing freedom. And family power struggles are no fun! The questions surrounding control, leadership, and just plain... living can get pretty hairy.

Maybe we'll get some Greg's Garage fiction out of you on this one, Greg?

You make a good point about freedom and power struggles, Julia. 100 years ago, half the country lived in small towns - and they fled to the cities. Small towns are great, I am moving to one myself, but they also have their dark side. A side we have forgotten about.

My sister married into a very old-school Persian family, and a had a hell of a time adjusting to the close-knit life they lead.

We might think we have it bad, only because we don't know how good we have it.


Garage fiction? I hope not.

Dawn Mikkelson, one of the folks in the MPR News story , is a source in our Public Insight Network. She really helped me understand what it's like to be a young adult realizing that moving home is the best option.

We had a bunch of people from the Network tell us they were in a similar position -- either young adults unable to live on their own in the recession or parents having to make room for their extended families.

Given the interest I'm reading here, I'm going to try to go back and post some of those responses. Cheers.

Thanks Paul! Please flag it here so we can all read it.

Will do. I just emailed five Network folks who told us in the past year they were either moving home, thinking of move home or having adult children move home.

If they send me updates, I'll post them.

V. cool of you, Paul.

I just really hope that these grown adults are paying rent to their parents (sisters etc). I am a little worried that the claim of being 'debt free and a home owner' as one interviewee hopes to be, will be at the expense of sponging off her parents.
I do not own a home, because it has been beyond our means to purchase one in a responsible manner, instead, we rent. If things were to become so tough that we had to move in with our parents, consider how tough it is on the parents themselves - they have to clean & cook for you, most likely off of their retirement savings (which may have depreciated since the downturn of the stockmarket).

Please consider asking this when interviewing people about living with their parents.

That's a perspective that isn't clear, is it, Sarah. And a good point. Above, Larry wrote about a single family home having multiple forms of income.

Personally speaking I guess it would depend on the situation. We've taken in folks rent-free or barely-worth-mentioning-as-rent for short spells so that they could get out of a jam. If it were long-term that might be a different discussion.

Hey everyone, here's the MinnEcon post featuring a couple folks from the Network who'd told us in the past year they were thinking of moving home or having adult children move home. This conversation inspired me to go back and see how they were faring. Turned into a decent post. Thanks!

Thank you Paul! I'll make a point to read it.