by Cathie M.
Member since:
June 13, 2007

How Do We Grieve?

November 07, 2009 09:34 PM EST
views: 595 | comments: 37

Oh, my this is a hard article to write. I lost both my parents and I am an only child. I lost my daddy four years ago this July after knowing he was leaving us in a short while after the doctor told us he couldn't get any more blood transfusions. It was the first loss I was going to suffer except my grandparents and we sort of expect them to go when they get old. Does that make sense? I had my mama to take care of when we lost daddy. I missed him so much but was so busy taking care of her that I didn't really grieve.

Then last Aug 28, 2006 I took my mama to the dr for her regular checkup and to find out why she was losing use of her right side. He thought it was a stroke so he wanted to hospitalize her and check her out good. We went to the hospital and they did a MRI to check and see if the stroke had done much damage and that is when we got the shock of our lives. She had not had a stroke it was a brain tumor. They said there was no choice she had to have it out so they did on Sept. 1. Before mama went into surgery, we had a long talk and cried and cried about what she wanted for her funeral if that came to pass. We talked about all kinds of stuff and so I knew what she wanted. Before she went in she talked to each one of her grandchildren and great-grandchildren and told them all she wanted to say. So her mind and soul were at peace.

She came out with little damage to the right side but with therapy she was supposed to improve. Well, while we were with her visiting right after surgery she had a seizure. That did more extensive damage to her brain so she couldn't talk or move her right side at all. The results came back and it was Stage 4 cancer, the most agressive of the agressive cancers. They said a few days to maybe years. That was the first time span. After I got my wits, mind you, I still haven't gotten over the shock of it all yet, the drs for radiology and chemo came in talking to me, I tried to get my mama to communicate with me by squeezing my hand with her left hand to help me decide what we needed to do. With all her health problems, I didn't want to put her thru more with the radiology and chemo. She finally squeezed my hand enough to let me know she didn't want it either. So we turned down all those treatments. The drs told me I made the right choice, I didn't know if I did or not.

Well, on Sept 14, ,HOSPICE, helped me bring my mama home so I could take care of her myself. She lived 9 days. I was with her when she passed and was holding her hand. The sweetest grin came on her face as she left me and I knew that she was seeing daddy and was with him and our LORD at the moment. That is one precious memory I will have forever.

Oh, I miss my mama and daddy so much. Now it hits me, I am like an orphan, so to speak. I have my dear husband, and three kids and their spouses and 3 grandchildren but I feel so alone. I have feelings of anger and bitterness and all those that are way too many to mention here right now. Of course, both mama and daddy are much better off now with our Lord, but I am alone. None of my family really understands what I am going through. Yes, they miss Granny and Granddaddy too but it is my mama and daddy.

I have struggled with so much bitterness and anger inside that it really was affecting my health and personal relationship with my family. I just wanted to be by myself and everyone leave me alone. I wanted the world to STOP, I wanted off too. I thought everyone should be hurting like me they should be feeling these same pains and aches. We all handle grief in different way. I am searching every day and every second seems like trying to handle this. It is a daily if not moment to moment process. It never gets easier, I think we just let it become a part of our lives and accept the hurt and pain. I am trying to cope with all this but each day is a step in the right direction. I do cry alot. I think crying is a good medicine for grieving. I an having to go thru their house and spend one day by myself going through pictures and their personal things. I cried a lot and talked to them lots like they were right there in the house with me. That is the day I felt I was finally getting over some of the anger and bitterness I had inside. Don't get me wrong, I still have many things to work through but I think it will be a day to day or moment to moment process that will never end as long as I am breathing. I like to share with my grandchildren things their Granny and Granddaddy said and did. I don't want my granchildren to ever forget their great-grandparents.

Well, we have sold their house and only have a few more things to get out. The that chapter of my life will be over. I have had so many people tell me that I will feel better when it is sold and we are through moving things out. No, I don't think so. With each item I have had to throw away and each things I have given away I have lost my parents again and again. I know when we get all things moved out and that part is over so will be that part of my life. That part of my past will be gone! All I will have left are the memories. But I do realize that life still goes on no matter what. So I have to make the best of what life I have left and live it to the fullest until the Lord calls me home.

This is just a start in my process of sharing my grief process and hoping I can help others through their grief. It is ok to be angry and bitter, sad, hurt, sick, jealous, etc. Yes, I was jealous of them because they were together with the Lord and I was left here, but I have a wonderful family and God is not through with me here on this earth. When God is through with me on this earth, He will take me to be with Him and my parents. Please leave comments and I am more than happy to talk to you. God bless you.

link to this page
Bookmark this post:
Facebook
Twitter
Delicious
Buzz
More

Comments: 37

Nora Davenport Nov 7, 2009, 9:52pm EST
Oh Cathie, my dear, dear friend........reading your post really made me teary eyed.........wow.....what an incredible post you shared.........I, also, am an only child.....I lost my dear dad back in 1978 and my best friend, my mom, in 1990......so, I've been an
"orphan," so to speak, for many years........albeit I do have many cousins scattered throughout the country, none very close.
Wow, you've really had to go through some very, very tough times...........it sounds like you didn't get the time, or not enough time, to grieve for your dad when you get a double whammy, with your mom and her devastating illness.........it is soooo hard, so doggone hard.......especially when you have to make the choices....chemo or no chemo? Radiation or no radiation? I had to go through this with my mom, so I know all too well.......
Grieving is very, very difficult, but it sounds like you were blessed with time with your dear mom to be able say everything that needed to be said, and you were with her, right up to the very end......it is so important to say everything that needs to be said.....so there won't be any regrets.
Grief work is necessary.....there is no time frame, and each person grieves differently.....don't let anyone tell you that you should "hurry" and grieve and get it over with.....I've heard this many times....that is totally WRONG! And yes, there will be all sorts of emotions....anger, sadness, loneliness, etc.....when I found out my mom had terminal cancer and had 3 to 6 months, I screamed.......came home and kicked my metal file cabinet where, to this day, there's a huge dent, about 18 inches long.....from my anger!!!!!
I had Hospice for Mom.......they were God's angels....I could have never made it without them.....after Mom died, I decided that I wanted to give back some of the love and caring that they helped me with.......they made me wait at least a year (to do my grief work).....then, I went through the intense training.....
Cathie, I've been a Hospice volunteer for the past 17 years!!!
If you need/want to "talk" about any of your feelings/grief work, etc., please, please feel free to PM/e-mail me any time.
God bless you, my friend!
Cathie M. Nov 7, 2009, 10:03pm EST
thank you so much for sharing, Nora! God bless you!
RobbinLynn B. Nov 7, 2009, 9:56pm EST
Cathie, I know it took a great deal to sit down and write this Letter/Post.
Yes, Your right about Grief, we all go through it at some point in our lives. If I didn't have God in my life, I can Honestly say, Life would-not be worth Living.
Yes, I have lots of Family, Husband, Son's ,Grandchildren, Friends, but I could never turn to anyone like I do to God when I get to feeling down.
He is there, if a person really wants Him to be.

Thank-You for the Courage it took to write this. Sincerely, RobbinLynn.
Cathie M. Nov 7, 2009, 9:58pm EST
Thank you RobbinLynn, for your sweet words. sometimes it is healing to write and I agree with you, I could n't put my feet to the floor of the mornings without know God.
RobbinLynn B. Nov 7, 2009, 10:07pm EST
Your Welcome! Cathie, Have you ever heard what B.I.B.L.E. stands for besides the Bible?
My Mother told me this, and I just Love it.
I will let you reply to my question before I give you the answer,just in case you know.
Cathie M. Nov 7, 2009, 10:10pm EST
No, I don't think I have ever heard it.
RobbinLynn B. Nov 7, 2009, 10:17pm EST
B - Book
I - Instructions
B - Before
L - Leaving
E - Earth. I just love this.
R. F. Nov 7, 2009, 9:58pm EST
Cathie, your post is remarkable. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings and experiences. I'm sorry you lost your parents. It's obvious you loved them so very much. You seem to be finding your way through your grief very well. I don't mean that you seem to have no pain. You have clearly stated the depth of your pain and sorrow. I mean that you accept what your grief and know when it is affecting you. The best of luck to you. I trust that your grief will be a spiritually productive experience for you at some point. You are wise and strong.
Cathie M. Nov 7, 2009, 10:03pm EST
RF Thank you so much for those encouraging words. God bless you!
Nancy Biri Nov 7, 2009, 9:58pm EST
I know how you must feel. I lost my dad 5 years ago from cancer. I still my moments. I miss him alot. It was so hard to see him go down hill so fast.
Cathie M. Nov 7, 2009, 10:04pm EST
Bless your heart. I am here if you ever need to talk. God bless you!
Sherry J. Nov 7, 2009, 10:15pm EST
I lost my mom to breast cancer, it is so hard. I still miss her very much. It will be 10 years ago on Nov. 9.
Cathie M. Nov 8, 2009, 4:10pm EST
Bless your heart.
Elizabeth O. Nov 7, 2009, 10:19pm EST
Cathie ~ tremendous post. I hope it was therapeutic for you. It sounds like you are working through this. I lost my father this past summer. I was with him just before he passed. I live in the North and he lived in the South. He passed away 2 days after I got home. That part is all right. He knew I was there although he couldn't speak, and we said our good-byes. Its all right, I know where he is, we are both saved. I haven't been able to cry yet, though. I planned his funeral here in the North, did his eulogy, and sang for him. I had to be there for my siblings and my daughter. No one was there for me, though. Its all right, I got through it. I have no anger, I miss him terribly. I wish I could cry. I feel like I'm in limbo. We had to have our old horse put down last month and I cried like a baby, go figure. My mother is still alive, is very ill, very frail, suffers from depression and a bit of dementia...and meaner than a snake a lot of the time. She is very difficult to deal with. She is also in the South. I went for a visit a couple of weeks ago.....I felt guilty because I felt myself getting angry with her, even though she couldn't help it. I didn't let her see it, but the feelings were still there. She says horrible things about my father that aren't true, and puts all of us kids down...always has. I think if I could cry it would release me from these feelings I have, that I can't describe...limbo is the best word I can think of. But I'm afraid that if I do, I won't be able to stop.

Elizabeth
Cathie M. Nov 8, 2009, 4:13pm EST
I think if you could cry you could cleanse yourself on the inside of all those mixed feelings. It won't matter how long you cry, sweetie! Just cry. I am here to listen and cry with you! Just email me. God bless you!
Karen M. Nov 7, 2009, 10:24pm EST
I think we all grieve differently and I think much of it depends on our relationships and way of life. I am sorry for your loss and hope that you find peace in knowing your love made a difference in your parents' lives.
Cathie M. Nov 8, 2009, 4:13pm EST
thanks for your sweet words.
Monica C. Nov 7, 2009, 10:31pm EST
Oh sweet Cathie, I am still blessed to have my parents in my life. I have had some losses in my life and sometimes grieve over them. But, I try an not have them consume me. I know, with a shadow of a doubt, Jesus is my Rock and my Salvation. He is with me through the rough patches.

God bless you Cathie and keep reminding me of very important verses and events in the bible. You are loved sweetie..
Cathie M. Nov 8, 2009, 4:14pm EST
Awww you are so sweet! God bless you!
Kelly P. Nov 7, 2009, 11:43pm EST
Cathie, your article made me cry...for you, for me. January will be 6 years since my dad died and I lost my closest aunt and uncle all three within a year. I went through the same feelings of how can the world just keep going? How can things just be normal with my daddy not in it?
Fortunately I still have my Mom but I am ashamed to admit that sometimes it gets hard to be a wife, mother and a full-time caregiver and I am not as patient as I should be with her. I will remember your post next time I am tempted to hurry her and just simply be grateful that I had these moments with her! Thank you!
Cathie M. Nov 8, 2009, 4:15pm EST
My prayer was that this post would help someone else. I pray it has. God bless you and you are in my prayers.
Barbara H. Nov 8, 2009, 12:10am EST
I am the eldest now too. I do have a sister a bit younger and we both miss our parents who died in 1995 within two months of each other. I lost my first husband and best friend within 26 days of each other and i always tell my husband now to keep being with his friends and visit his family because I, have no Living (old) friends left. I understand how you feel.
Your cleaning your parents home I know was a very hard thing to do. My sister could not help me because she was so overwrought and still has not visited our parents grave. She lost her 48 year old daughter to cancer just last year and it just seems she can't get away from the grief. I just hug her and be with her when I can as often as I can. Our tears are less and we are being silly together once in a while but she tells me she just can't stand to think about it all and I cannot say I know how she feels because although it was my beloved niece I did not lose a child, she did. We just hug a lot.
Cathie M. Nov 8, 2009, 4:17pm EST
Bless your heart! Thanks for these words.
Beth G. Nov 8, 2009, 12:17am EST
Oh Cathie, I can relate to this oh so well. I lost my father two years ago to cancer, and
I was devastated, still am really. Most of the time I suppress my grief, but sometimes it comes up in unexpected ways, sometimes I am so angry over his death, so furious, because he died before his own father died. Due to smoking. My father was a good man, and I should have had him for another thirty years. Shoulda, coulda, woulda right? It is so hard to move on from the severing of the earthly relationship between a parent and a child. I realize this is a part of life, but grief is a powerful feeling, and we all process it in different times. Hugs to you, and my sympathies over losing your parents like you did.
Cathie M. Nov 8, 2009, 4:18pm EST
Thanks os much and God bless you!
Elizabeth R. Nov 8, 2009, 5:55am EST
Cathie, I know this was very difficult for your to share. You are going through all the normal stages when losing loved ones. That you know that does not make it any easier for you. Losing ones' parents is not an easy process.

You will feel better in time. Will the loss be any less? Probably not. However, the pain will ease. It will be different.

I lost my husband back in 1987 and I still grieve. However, it is different. I am more at peace with his death. I no longer have all those questions for him. I will see him again.

God is watching over you. All this sounds so trite but it isn't meant that way. Words are just never enough.

I am so sorry for your loss, Cathie.

Blessings,
Elizabeth
Cathie M. Nov 8, 2009, 4:19pm EST
God bless you!
Elizabeth R. Nov 9, 2009, 2:13am EST
Thank you, Cathie.

Blessings to you.
Loretta E. Nov 8, 2009, 9:47am EST
Oh Cathie, I cried with each word I read, it was like I was writing it myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know how hard it was to write this, to share your feelings!!! I know that I'm still grieving for my mother, she passed away on 3/30/02, and it still feels like yesterday. November is a hard month for me, November 24th was her birthday, at least this year Thanksgiving does not fall on her birthday. I am so sorry for your loss Cathie, I know exactly how you feel! God Bless!
Cathie M. Nov 8, 2009, 4:19pm EST
Bless you sweet heart! Thanks for your sweet words.
Otelia S. Nov 9, 2009, 2:41pm EST
Heavenly father so full of grace
Please put a smile back on Cathie's face
Place joy and peace in her broken heart
Help her make a brand new start
Hold her with your loving arms
Keep her and her family safe from harm
And when she do think of her Mom and Dad
Let her remember the good times, not the sad
Fill that deep ,dark ,empty hole
With comfort and happiness down to her soul
Cathie,,,,this is my daily prayer for you
And I'm sending hugs, love and cheek kisses too.
Cathie M. Nov 9, 2009, 2:44pm EST
Well you made me cry. That is so sweet and thank you so much for that precious prayer. God bless you!
Otelia S. Nov 9, 2009, 6:32pm EST
I'm crying FOR you and WITH you but soon God WILL dry your tears.
I still shed tears for losing my dad from colon cancer 17 years ago and my mom is in radiation now for breast cancer.But as weak as you feel Cathie, I gotta tell you I feel your strength thru your words. You are stronger than you think. God only put this on you because he KNOW you will work thru your pain,on your own time and in your own way. I just want you to know even when you're feeling alone, my thoughts and prayers are with you. And I do understand what you're feeling as I share them.Now you know mom and dad are watching you so stop crying and let's both look up and smile for them. I'm doing it. Are you? There! That's better.
Cathie M. Nov 9, 2009, 8:10pm EST
You are such a precious Gather friend! Thanks so much for those sweet and special words. God bless you!
regina guthrey Nov 10, 2009, 1:03am EST
so sorry about your loss.
dreama e. Nov 14, 2009, 4:17pm EST
It is so difficult to loose our parents
I am sending you love, prayers and tight hugs
The only family I have are my husband and kids so I have adopted my gather friends as my family :)
Mary M. Dec 8, 2009, 4:11pm EST
Oh my gosh. You are not alone. In fact, while typing this I am crying over my parent's and sister's death. I lost my mom when her first and only grandchild was 7 months old (he's 13 now). I was so devastated that I wanted and attempted to fall in her grave with her. I still feel like I should have left my family behind, but I had to remember that I had that grandson of hers to take care of. I then lost my dad three years later. I wasn't as upset over his death because of all the alcoholic abuse I went through, but still loved him regardless. Last year I lost my sister (38 years old) to cancer as well. I feel like I've lost all around me, but my brother is still hanging on...thank goodness. He grieves by not talking about any of them. It seems like he can't get over it. Time does heal and I've found that out. It is hard, but it makes us stronger too. I realized that talking about it helps a great deal. You should too. I wish you some healing. We both could use it. You are in my prayers. I also have discovered that gather is one of the best places to vent and make friends for just this purpose. Go gather friends! Keep your chin up, you'll be fine.

Join the Conversation
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Already a member? Sign in
top
 
Gather | Friends | Groups | Share
About Gather | Engagement Marketing | Make New Friends | Gather Points | Advertise on Gather | Gather Press | Privacy | Terms of Service | Community Guidelines
Books | Celebs | Entertainment | Family | Food | Health | Moms | Money | News | Politics | Spirituality | Sports | Travel | Writing
Version 16961, "Pacino"; Copyright © 2009 Gather Inc. All rights reserved.