DESPITE MULTIPLE FEARS MY FIRST PUBLISHED BOOK IS ABOUT TO BE BORN

I the TURTLE

So it was really a delight to have received an official contract by a reputable publisher to publish my first book: DEMYSTIFYING MEANINGFUL COINCIDENCES: (SYNCHRONICITIES) - The Evolving Self, The Personal Unconscious, and The Creative Process.

That is until I came face to face with what I had to do to finish it. I made a smart move years back in not backing down from completing my dissertation. I was on the verge of it many times but persisted. That is the number one reason why I have been able to finish the requirements to publish my book. None of the requirements such as endless editing, revising, cutting, adding, are all that difficult. What has been difficult for me is to face up to an intensity of fears ranging from fear of failure to fear of success. You know the very fears that we work with everyday [as a psychoanalyst]. ... only they are with myself, and in my case have intensified.

When I got in my final revisions last month I initially breathed a sigh of relief which lasted only one day when - in Barnes and Noble - I had a panic attack realizing that by the end of December I would quite likely have my book for sale probably on one of the tables of new books... It was then that I cringed suffering from exposure anxiety  anticipating an attack of horrendous shame wondering: what if someone actually reads it - what if I sound stupid ... you know all the usual obsessional non sense - but when it's you - the nonsense seems quite real. So I got through all that nonsense - but couldn't shake the feeling that I would mess up or be 'caught' by some unforeseen issue - like a totally absurd piece of logic central to my main argument - which precipitating an unprecedented ripping up of my contract....

So I got over that - until yesterday -  when I was told that they needed me to choose my cover with an image- if I so desire - plus, authorize the front and back material... and to do so as quickly as possible, as they want to try to make a December deadline... My small panic attack was fielded with a minimum of effort...

Chalk up another trench taken in my internal war for to thrive ....

THE MORAL of the STORY:

In making a commitment to struggling with struggle  one can become used to anything - like war and publishing a first book.