HERE"S ANOTHER...........by Barbara H.

                                                             I have been going through drawers and drawers and journal after journal of writing that I have done through the years and upon reading some of it, I am surprised by the thoughts in the content to the point I question if I even wrote the words. But I find my dated signature and the date pinpoints clearly at what phase of my life I was living at the time of the writing.

It is fascinating to me how our thoughts change over the miles we travel through life, how we learn from all we experience but at the same time how SAME we remain. I guess that is what is meant by remaining true to oneself. We make mistakes, learn from them (hopefully) and continue on in a more balanced way.

I am 69 years old and am living in the reality of my second marriage which in itself is a surprise every time I grow conscious of it during any given day. (Its difficult to realize that so many years have passed with children that have grown and had children of their own and I have been gifted with a second beginning and the chance to start all over again with all new experiences along with the ability to keep all I had before. What a wonderful gift that is and I certainly appreciate it although I still can't believe it simply because of the sheer number of years it all represents.)

Life is a struggle at times and I think most of the struggle is in dealing with living in a way that keeps a balance for ourselves and those we are in relationships with. A struggle to decide for ourselves what we can live with, what we cannot and how a decision in that respect will impact who and what we touch as human beings.

There were different times in my younger life when I hit  a wall, so to speak, and had to make a decision as to which direction I would take and how that decision would impact the rest of my life.

I found a poem I had written during that time and I saw that I had entitled it SUNAMI.

I'm not even sure of the spelling of that word but I do know, after thinking about it for awhile, why I gave the poem that name. It was because of how the reality of a sunami impacts the shore it bears down on when it is at its most horrific force. Devistating everything in its path and leaving nothing but destruction.The sunami starts in the bottom of the ocean as an underground volcano and pushes forth in a secret, almost invisible force that ends in a tidal wave.

That is the fear I felt at having to make decisions that would change my life if those changes would cause any kind of pain for anybody I was in a relationship with. I always feared hurting someone although I didn't think anything of being hurt myself.

The poem I offer here is about taking the chance in making a change. Take into consideration that change for me (I'm not talking about natural changes that come because of their own force I'm talking about changes that occur because of my decision whether it was a made or not) was a painful thing.

 Later in life I learned that I had to do what I had to do and the change (even though it would seem painful at the time) could lead to better things for all concerned. That was a very freeing lesson but I had to work it through to  get it and I did. I couldn't wait for some hidden force to come about in making the change for me. That was not reality and in fact waiting could cause the real devistation.

                                                 SUNAMI

Self imposed isolation,

one deep breath

not celebration

but what?

I caused hurt for ones left behind,

never meant that...

But the pain I caused

While I turned my back

in pause,

did nothing but.

My return to a different world

the one that went on in spite of me

proved a fact always there

No heart once loved is truly free.

11.05.2009

Barbara H.