The Wise and Talented Barbara H

Since my Mom’s name is Barbara, I think this qualifies for me to be an expert about something, but I haven’t figured it out like some people who drink hot tea and frankly, I’m talking about Barbara H. I had no idea she was a Nathaniel Hawthorne expert, but here is what she said to a recent Historical Literary Club Society in a speech about…, well, you decide. “I think its just thinking of the first word beginning with an A and following through the alphabet with words that embellish the A word.” Now, this sounds like there may be some naughtiness involved and of course all the sweet ladies were blushing, but the men were…, never mind.

A certain cable network asked Barbara about hosting a 1950’s musical reunion act, but of course there was a tryout. All she had to do was give the audience an uplifting message to introduce a new act. The act was Mr. White Shoes and the song ’Love Letters in The Sand.’ Here is Barbara’s smooth intro, which she sang:  “Absolutely delicious! Lovely, sensual, sexual, a symphony with full crescendo.” Pat looked at the judges. The judges looked at Barbara and of course she was given the job. She just seems to always know the politically correct thing to say and it is believed Bill Mahre wants her…, on TV to watch her. Probably would be a science show about Entomology. You’d have to assume this from a comment she recently made to the Taxidermist. “A locust, jewel of the bugs! Wow a beautiful capture!”

Now you might wonder if Barbara wore the locust on a necklace and dressed like Cleopatra at the Natural Museum??? Well, actually, if you tend to believe, Barbara H (Emeritus) was giving a pep talk to the High School Home Economics Society about how locust are perfect for Tempura or mixed with pork ’n’ beans. “This recipe would taste good just with all this cheese,” Barbara had said before she showed the students her subtle way to cut the cheese. She said it’s always good to act like you hear birds telling you secrets after each silent cut. Talking about secrets, no it’s not her last name, which is simply the single letter H with no chance of a spelling mistake. Barbara is humbled her last name is the first letter on page 626 of Webster’s New World Dictionary, yet it is odd with such prestigious location, she is often the eighth person called on at social occasions. Who could possibly know why?