Can You Do The Cockroach Crunch?

My friends outside of Georgia have accused me of being preoccupied with insects. I will grant you that some years ago I had a job as a bug killer but that has nothing to do with my interest in insects. When living in Georgia, living with insects are a fact of life. When I say living with insects I really mean living with insects.

The other day someone asked me who my neighbors were? I said “Well let me think…. on the porch we have wasps, on the ceiling and in the dark corners of my home we have spiders, in the trash cans are flies, in our food, toilets, clothes and walls we have two kinds of cockroaches. For some reason I never have long conversations with anyone these days.

The other day my wife and I had one of those rare moments when there were just the two of us at home. Of course our conversation went to a subject any couple who have four teenagers/young adults around at all hours of the day would have when they had a rare intimate moment, insects. My wife said, “I was just thinking about that story you wrote, Cockroach Shuffle. We really thought you had lost it more than usual that day let me tell you.” I would have been offended by what she said except I still remembered that day and remembered it with pride. I remembered cockroaches going where no cockroaches had any right to go and I would have lost it for sure had those same cockroaches not taught me to dance.

It is always fun to see my wife smile but not so much when her smile is at my expense. I looked over at my wife and said, “Well at least I learned to dance, two times in fact!” As I finished saying this my wife let out a scream. I said, “Don’t make such a big deal about it. I only danced twice.” She then began to dance a much better dance than I had done. She kicked her left leg out while dancing on her right leg. When that leg came down she did the same with her right leg while dancing on her left leg. At the same time she was showing off with her leg and foot work she was reaching for and for a lack of better term groping the back of her left thigh.

She jumped and leaped high and wide reminiscent of a dance from the sixties or seventies called “The Pile Driver.” Granted I may be the only one who remembers the dance but I am absolutely certain there was a dance called “The Pile Driver” I think. I shook my head and said, “Show Off.” She was indeed a better dancer than I was even when I had the encouragement that our friendly cockroaches gave me.

She suddenly stopped her dance and screamed what was music to my ears. “Cockroach.” She then let out a loud and deep sigh while finally dropping her hand. I was about to suggest she wash that hand but with in what seemed like seconds my wife started a new dance. She normally is quite light on her feet but this time she did a dance that can only be described as stomping. She stomped all over the family room floor. The only accompaniment to this dance was her yelling a sort of Gregorian chant, “I see three I see three” over and over again.

I have to admit I had never seen a dance quite like the one she was doing before so it was a little hard to judge but I thought she was quite good at it. As a result of at first my terror that gave way to mirth and finally to admiration, it was a little hard to remember just how long this dance lasted but it lasted long enough for me to get a memory that I shall never forget.

When the dance ended I was afraid to break the mood so remained uncharacteristically quiet. My wife asked me if I knew what had just happened. “No I sure didn’t” I said, “But I am dying to know.” She said “I was just standing there talking to you when a big cockroach began to race up my left leg. It wouldn’t have been so bad had I been wearing pants but I am wearing a skirt.” She took a breath that was sort of a shudder and said “What is especially annoying to me is that I have no idea where he was going in such a hurry.” I said, “Now wait a minute there how did you know the cockroach is a he?” She said, “Only a male would move that fast up a girl’s leg.” It’s hard to argue with that kind of logic.

I said, “OK but what was with the stomp and I See Three thing that you did? She said, “ I was finally able to knock him loose and when he fell to the floor there were three that looked alike. I so wanted to flatten them all but I only got two. I think he got away.” I said, “I hope so.” “What?” she asked angrily? “Don’t you get it?” I asked? He just gave you a dance lesson and it may have been the same one who gave me my first dance lesson.” She rolled her eyes. I said, “Rhonda you just danced two dances. The Pile Driver and The Cockroach Crunch. You were really good at both dances. As to the two cockroaches you flattened, they may have just been his dance partners and he can always get more dance partners.”

Just then three of our four children came in to the house arguing about something. I called out to the kids excitedly “Hey kids you will never believe what your mother just did. She danced, I mean really danced and she was good. She was inspired by and taught by a cockroach just like I was a little while ago.” The kids looked at my wife and all of them kind of sang out “Is that really true Mom?” My wife gave a smile someone would give when someone is talking to a not overly bright politician. And said, “If he says so.” My son looked at me sighed and said, save it for your book Dad, save it for your book.”