How I Write

How I Write

Since good writing is much discussed lately, I thought I’d throw open the closet door and reveal my secrets to the world.  Or as much of the world as is still on Gather – so,  this is for the two of you, you diehards!

First, I have to limber up.  Since I dictate all my material to the cat, I start by freeing my voice with a few exercises.  Start with OM.  It’s important to hit all three of the first chakras.  AHHooooUUMMM.  Like that.  Feel the kundalini crawl up your spine!  Cool, no?  

Next, bring some emotion into it: George Bush! George Bush! George… I stop at 2 ½.  More makes me queasy.

Finally, fine tune the chords with a little yodeling.  I do this along with Glenn Beck
when he's delivering commentary.  Fits right in.

Next, the hands.  Even though the cat takes notes, (I think that’s what she’s doing with that roll of TP), I like to get stuff directly into the magic box.  Also, the puss doesn’t spell so well.  Should never have introduced her to LolCats, though she did get a few good marriage offers.

To exercise the fingers, put your hands in your hair, grasp and PULL!  See, it really works.  And you’ll be doing it soon enough anyway.

Now to the business of writing:

Sit square in the chair (you will need a chair – did I mention that?), face forward and put your hands on the keyboard.  

Take your hands from the keyboard and take a long sip of the Jack Daniels. (Did I mention you’ll need Jack Daniels?  Well, you probably already knew that).  Not too much or it will interface with the Oxycontin and you’ll drool on the computer.  Also, your writing will sound like a Gather free write.

Now, think of a topic.  I get mine from the magazine the electric company sends out, but there are lots of places to look for inspiration.  Church magazines, K-Mart receipts, your kid’s homework.  Fox News.  The WHO site for children’s epidemics, worldwide.  All grist for the mill.

Now start writing, (you can have another little sip first.  Just take some No-Doz with it.)

What to write?  Well, remember, good writing comes from the heart threads.  Just say what you feel.  Unless you’re a pedophile.  In that case, you need to post directly to your KiddyPorn site.  

Right now I feel… tired.  This writing business just plumb wears me out.  Though it could be the narcotics.  Hard to say.