Gather In Need of "Democritization" Declares Handicapper General

Gather In Need of "Democratization" Declares Handicapper General

Diana Moon Glampers imposes "equalization" rules on artists posting on Gather.com to bring them in line with federal equality laws

Hilbinger - Internet Press Service

BOSTON - In a long-expected move, U.S. Handicapper General Diana Moon Glampers, disturbed by rumors of artistic talent being displayed on content-based website Gather.com, personally stepped in today to impose equality on those posting on the site. "We can't have people gallivanting around on the World Wide Web showing up regular people. Everybody's equal, and I'm here to make sure you people equalize yourselves."

Glampers, notorious for her imposition of "equalization" measures to bring all Americans down to the lowest common denominator - ugly masks for beautiful people, sandbag harnesses to weigh down graceful people, earphones transmitting loud noises at irregular intervals to disrupt the thoughts of intelligent people - has set out a series of measures to be imposed on all content submitted to Gather to ensure that no one outshines anyone else.

At a press conference at the website's School St. headquarters Glampers stated:

"Writers - no more 'rules' for writing. Turn off your spellcheckers. If your post comes in with no misspellings, it'll be rejected. Same with grammar and punctuation. It's not fair to the rest of us if your writing is good. Good = elitism. Mediocrity = democracy. Get with the program, or get booted off Gather!

"No poetry, except for sing-song rhymes. Serious poetry is by its nature elitist and undemocratic. We'll have no more of that!

"Graphic artists - If you draw or paint, I wanna see stick figures and horsies and cows and dogs and cats.  No surrealism or impressionism or any of that fancy-schmancy stuff. If it rises above a third-grade fingerpainting level it gets bounced.

"And photographers, you're only allowed to post pictures of kids' parties and pets. No "composition", that's just another word for snobbery. And ditch the fancy cameras; we're only accepting pictures snapped on cheap digitals, instamatics, and disposable cameras. Any hint that you used anything more complicated gets your content bounced and gets you booted off Gather.

"There's been enough of this undemocratic, unequal behavior among you 'artists' here on Gather, and it ends now. You're gonna be equal just like the rest of us."

After the press conference Gather staff members escorted Ms. Glampers to a party in the inner offices. Press were denied entry.

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