A Perilous Preview of Potential Holiday Products & Productions!

(I wrote this on October 27, 2009).

As Halloween once again haunts its way into our hopeful hearts and malleable minds, it's a great time to take a look at what Santa might have in store for us. Except this year, he has an extra-scary gleam in his eye! Here's a surreptitious sample for your perusal, before anyone else gets a shot at them!

1. Fema (FEMA) Montana. Well, whap-a-dang! Whatta ya know? Hannah done got herself a country redneck cousin, and she's just come back home after getting washed up by the Katrina storm. And she comes complete with her own toxic trailer -- turn it on and let the real fun begin! But don't worry -- it's got its own pond to filter out those vile vapors. So Barbie move over -- here comes little Fema and her pet possum!!

2. S.N.U. Bliss: The first healthy candy you literally shoot up your nose! Yes, now that the grinding forces of "governmedia" have gotten little kids to accept those foolhardy FluMist nasal shots, why not get something actually healthy into their already-numbed nostrils? S.N.U. (Shoot Nose Up or Super Nasal Uplift) Bliss contains clinically-proven Xylitol for sinus-clearing power. Then its tasty and infection-fighting cranberry and grapefruit seed extract go to work. (Black elderberry flavor is also available for virus prevention and treatment). Who knew that something so bizarre could be so life-enhancing? The secret to its power -- a patented Snozone formula -- it's as fresh as a new spring rain! Just wait 'til they take this one to school!!

3. Haz Matt: The Flu Shot "Adjuvant Delinquent" Boy (Doll). Ever wonder who gets to test all those mysterious swine swill ingredients? Well now you've got your answer! Haz Matt hails from the "Research Rectangle" area of Carolina, where depressed economic conditions led him to a different kind of career path. But now he's got superpowers -- like flight! (What did you expect from that supercharged bird flu?). Sometimes he even squeals a bit, but that's just from the swine squalene (a funky kind of oil emulsion). Or is it actually because he just got to hook up with Fema Montana and her happening cousins? Soon we'll get to see the glorious results as fertile Fema gives birth to an anencephalic alien baby. Teach your kids the new facts of life with Haz Matt -- but don't forget to wear protection!

4. Halloween Inoc-U-Lantern. Still frustrated you can't teach the kids to shoot up against H1N1 (or whichever numeric variation they've mutated it into)? Then try Inoc-U-Lantern -- from the makers of Grave motion-detector air-fresheners, by S.C.U.M. Jaundice. Whenever kids (or adults) are nearby, a Cobra-like sprinkler rises from this Grave Pumpkin and blasts FluMyst directly into their nostrils. And it's heat-seeking, searching out those moist mucus membranes. Make your bash a blast with Inoc-U-Lantern -- and don't worry, parents. It's also a fire retardant!

5. Beyochez. Tired of those wimpy Biore cleansing pads and strips? Then try Beyochez. It's got a big bite for big girls -- and it stings like a bee with an itch! Each stringently-manufactured astringent towelette is intensely impregnated with a brutal botanical blend of witch hazel and cruel capsaicin. Your skin will glow with a radiance you never thought possible, as lost epidermal layers are rigorously revealed! Endorsed by Ms. Knowles, Beyochez are the cleansing strips that bite back -- so give your skin a slap!!

6. Vac Stingmore: The vaccine bee with multiple doses! Fema Montana and Haz Matt need something for the younger set. And this Christmas, they're bringing along their little buddy Vac. He's loaded up with the latest strains and every time you get a shot, his animated abdomen lights up like a firefly -- showing you that it's working! Vac makes a dandy bioluminescent light, and after three doses, you won't even need it. Because you'll glow in the dark too! Move over, Honey Nut Bee. Here comes Vac Stingmore -- Big Pharma's new Money Bee!!

7. 'Clutterers' with Randy Quaid. Following the success of A&E's 'Hoarders' show, we thought that messy people were being discriminated against. After all, what's wrong with keeping a few old orange rinds around to chase off the bugs? And even though little Fluffy died, she still makes a pretty fine doorstop -- keeping out those withering winter winds! 'Clutterers' gives you the challenge -- helping organized homeowners to get down and messy! Winners will get their own place in Clutterville, a gated "garbage refuge" community that only Oscar The Grouch could have envisioned. Check it out soon on the Spiked network, and let your freaky rag-tag flag fly high!

8. Michael Vick's Vic-To-Rub. Is your dog sore from fighting those late hours, all night? Then try Mike Vick's Vic-To-Rub. It's essentially formulated with camphor and arnica, to get your crushing canine back in the ring with newfound glory. Soothe your Staffordshire today with Mike Vick's Vic-To-Rub!!

9. Blago's Peeves -- The I.N.D. (Idiocy Never Dies) {Based on Black-Eyed Peas - The E.N.D. - Energy Never Dies}. Just when you thought things couldn't get weirder with this Ill. ex-Guber, this bomb drops. Yes, now hair-king "Rod Blag" has jumped into the hip-hop ring. (With help from the producer of "There Goes Crimin' Ryan"). And if you can stand to listen to it, you'll hear tracks like "Standing in the Shadows with Rats," and "I'm A Celebrity Now Pull the Plug On Me!" But being a radio show host on WLS just wasn't enough. And the great Obama onslaught needed to step up Operation Distraction. So hip-hop-hurray -- grab this bad boy before they boot and tow him away!!

9. 'Ritalin Rainbow': New Show on Pure B.S., sponsored by Astra-Ciba-Geigy-Seneca-Zeneca, makers of tasty drug cocktails and juices. Yes, now the people who gave you those psychedelic cat food commercials (for Friskies) have taken aim at your kids. Will their brains ever be the same? So doctors, whip out your prescription pads and let those capsules fly!

10. Won Ton Amo. You knew it had to happen eventually. Now the Red Chinese have entered an exclusive agreement to run Gitmo, so they can get even cozier with the Cubans. And with Obama saluting the whole Mao revolution, it's a marriage made in..a very red and hot place indeed!! (Let's hope at least the appetizers will be tasty..).