by M. Bradley McCauley McCauley
Member since:
April 21, 2006

Which Opening Do You Like Best?

October 30, 2009 01:37 PM EDT
views: 131 | comments: 67

When I wrote my novel, the working title was, 'The Gathering'. The story is about how people come weekly to see Annon, the main character, to learn how to change their lives.  They had heard that he was successful in guiding countless people to lead richer, fuller, more satisfying lives.  They needed to change theirs.

The original opening was:

"Shadows of flickering candles dance on the wall like quickened images of ancient cave drawings. The aroma of burning incense mingling with fresh cut flowers creates an aura of tranquility."

I wanted to set the mood.  After all, this is novel that moves into various facets of spirituality, using the power within, and contains the aura of God.

Annon, the group leade,r is aware this is his final Gathering, that he will be moving into another realm of existence beyond this and he must find the one who will take his place helping others.  The final, published novel is, "The House of Annon", (putting in a plug here, hope you don't mind) The House of Annon and the opening is:

          "Annon clutches the arms of the recliner, his body stiffening as a sharp pain sears across his left shoulder, shoots across his jaw and wrenches down his right arm.  He thrashes his hand into his sweater pocket, his long slender fingers grasping the tiny vial of nitroglycerin.  With shaking hands he clumsily unscrews the lid, shakes out a tiny white pill, and places it under his tongue.

“Not now,” he hoarsely whispers to the empty room. “Not yet, please… there is no one to replace me.  I can’t go until the one to follow has been chosen.  Please, not now.” 

 

 

One or two and would either beginning entice you enough to want to read the next few pages?

Your coments are appreciated!

 

 

 

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Comments: 67

Kay M. Oct 30, 2009, 1:50pm EDT
I like the second one. Definitely intriguing.
M. Bradley McCauley McCauley Oct 30, 2009, 2:06pm EDT
Thank you Kay--that means a lot to me.
Lyn Owen Oct 30, 2009, 2:09pm EDT
I definitely think the second one is best. It is a grabber for sure.
M. Bradley McCauley McCauley Oct 31, 2009, 10:07am EDT
Thanks Lyn, I appreciate your comment and like that you thought the 2d one is a 'grabber'.
Kathryn E. Oct 30, 2009, 2:15pm EDT
this is what I think: Use number two, but in the simple past. Then, insert number one as color detail.
M. Bradley McCauley McCauley Oct 31, 2009, 10:07am EDT
Kathryn, I did and I'm so glad you make me feel like it was a good idea. I've really been toying with taking The House of Annon off the market and rewrite it. Now I'm glad I used the 2d intro.
Love from Darlene! Oct 30, 2009, 2:31pm EDT
The second one would absolutely get my interest in reading the novel. It's simple and ask a question I would love to know the answer to as I would continue to read.
M. Bradley McCauley McCauley Oct 31, 2009, 10:08am EDT
Darlene, so glad to know that the 2d intro peeked your interest and you would want to continue to read. That really made an impact on me and glad that I did go with the 2d one when I published the book.
Richard Regener Oct 30, 2009, 2:35pm EDT
Number two sets the stage for this drama, whereas number one may be ideal for a later insert.
Joe T. Oct 30, 2009, 2:47pm EDT
What appeals to me about the second one is that Annon's activity draws the reader into an experience right off the bat. The first one is more descriptive, but I wouldn't want to be there. While there is no description about place in the second one, it doesn't really matter because I want to see what happens next.

Both approaches are interesting. I prefer the second one. It is more human which wins hands down to this reader.
M. Bradley McCauley McCauley Oct 31, 2009, 10:10am EDT
Thanks Joe, your points are well taken. I did go into a description of the room where Annon presides and included the 'shadows of flickering candles'.
Debbie W. Oct 30, 2009, 3:46pm EDT
Yes, I agree. The second one
M. Bradley McCauley McCauley Oct 31, 2009, 10:11am EDT
So glad I asked Debbie, as I mentioned above, I honestly was thinking of taking the novel off the market and changing the opening. As a writer, I know the importance of grabbing the reader right off the bat.
Simon T. Oct 30, 2009, 3:47pm EDT
# 2
M. Bradley McCauley McCauley Oct 31, 2009, 10:11am EDT
TKS. Your vote counts!
Erica Hidvegi Oct 30, 2009, 4:27pm EDT
There is a 1977 movie titled, 'the gathering' and not sure of the storyline but because of such similarity, I would check on using that. Ok with 'house of annon' . . . The second is catchier, gripping, real--while the first is subtle, gentle yet anxiety-provoking. Go with the second for sake of publishing as it entices a larger crowd . . . Good JOB ! and congrats for going with this
Robert - just a simple man - B. Oct 30, 2009, 7:09pm EDT
I thought "The Gathering" sounded familiar. I am getting old.
M. Bradley McCauley McCauley Oct 31, 2009, 10:14am EDT
Erica, like Rober, I had vague memories of that title also and probably it is why I changed to "The House of Annon", which becomes a pivotal point at the end of the book and I hadn't even realized it.

As I said once before somewhere--I honestly didn't know from one chapter to the next what was going to happen, who the characters would be or what their lives were all about until they appeared and began to talk. I was caught up in their tales as the words poured into my mind.
Elizabeth R. Oct 30, 2009, 4:39pm EDT
I prefer the second one, too. I also agree with Erica.
M. Bradley McCauley McCauley Oct 31, 2009, 10:14am EDT
Me too. Thanks Elizabeth.
marie Pinschmidt Oct 30, 2009, 5:40pm EDT
I would have incorporated some of the first opening into the second: "Shadows from flickering candles danced on the walls as Annon clutched the arms of the recliner etc." and in last paragraph - "Not now," he hoarsely whispered to the empty room that smelled of burning incense and freshly cut flowers. "Not yet, please etc. etc.

This establishes both place and action. Just a suggestion! Otherwise, I'd choose your last opening which immediately draws the reader into the action. Good luck with the book; it sounds exciting.
marie Pinschmidt Oct 30, 2009, 5:43pm EDT
Forgot to ask - where is the book available?
Linda T. Oct 31, 2009, 2:52am EDT
I really like this incorporation of the two.
Karen E. Oct 31, 2009, 9:58am EDT
Yes, I like what Marie says. It makes perfect sense. I did like the second one better but with Marie's suggestion it becomes all the more compelling.
M. Bradley McCauley McCauley Oct 31, 2009, 10:15am EDT
I am so glad you all agreed since that is what I did and now I won't have to take it off the market and redo it. I'm glad to know the opening captured your attention. Thanks to all of you for taking time to read and comment.
Connie C. Oct 30, 2009, 5:47pm EDT
I like the second one it it an attention grabber from the beginning
M. Bradley McCauley McCauley Oct 31, 2009, 10:16am EDT
Good to know Connie, I wanted an opening that would make people want to read more and find out what happened.
Jan S. Oct 30, 2009, 6:16pm EDT
The second one has got me hooked already. Sounds like a great story.
M. Bradley McCauley McCauley Oct 31, 2009, 10:17am EDT
Jan I was totally amazed as each of the characters joined the sessions and there is one character that blew me away when he appeared--my thoughts went, "where did he come from"? Even Annon, who is pretty much all knowing, was surprised.
Jan S. Oct 31, 2009, 4:16pm EDT
I hear you, Mary. Characters have a way of developing themselves, sometimes in spite of the storyteller's efforts.

I haven't written fiction in a while, but when I did, my main character was incredibly stubborn, not wanting to follow my plot. I was very surprised when her brother pushed his way to center stage and became a dynamic character. His personality was so strong that he incited a mutiny among other characters. I never finished the story and would need to start over if I ever do. Writing can be full of surprises and inspiration.
Jan S. Oct 31, 2009, 4:18pm EDT
I wonder if it would work for you to use both openings. The first one sets the scene; the second introduces Annon and the story.
Erin O'Riordan Oct 30, 2009, 7:09pm EDT
I prefer the first one. It set the mood better than the second one, which jumped into the information sooner.
M. Bradley McCauley McCauley Oct 31, 2009, 10:18am EDT
Erin, your thoughts are good, the first one is the one that kept going around in my mind before I finally sat down and let the story pour out on paper.
Robert - just a simple man - B. Oct 30, 2009, 7:12pm EDT
I wouldn't totally lose the fine, magical, imagery. I would be sure it was inserted somewheres along the way. But for the average reader, (I know I'm disagreeing with Erin here - and she and I are friends), you need descriptive at the beginning, real world descriptives. The second opening provides that.
M. Bradley McCauley McCauley Oct 31, 2009, 10:20am EDT
Robert, it is in there and I'm glad I kept it. As I said above to Erin, they are the words that kept going around in my mind until I had to write the story. It was like the room was waiting for me and the characters were anxious to appear and change their lives.
vickey w Oct 30, 2009, 9:01pm EDT
I like them both... I think both are very descriptive..
M. Bradley McCauley McCauley Oct 31, 2009, 10:20am EDT
Thanks Vickey, glad I kept them both in.
Beth G. Oct 30, 2009, 9:21pm EDT
I like the first one better, as it gives you the feel for where the novel is going to go to.
M. Bradley McCauley McCauley Oct 31, 2009, 10:22am EDT
It's true, the first one does portray an image of a metaphysical, possibly mystical turn but I think what I needed was to project the imminent need Annon had to find the right person to follow him.
Angela A. Oct 30, 2009, 9:25pm EDT
I agree with Kathryn. They both can be used.
M. Bradley McCauley McCauley Oct 31, 2009, 10:23am EDT
And I'm so glad I did, I now feel better about marketing the novel. I wrote it way back before the Secret was ever produced and really didn't do much to promote it. I now feel it is a timely and worthwhile piece of work. Thanks for commenting.
Tami G. Oct 30, 2009, 9:41pm EDT
For me it was the second one. At set the stage for story to go on & sounds like a good read. The first one is also ok but does not seem so sophisticated so I liked the second one & that is my truthful answer.
M. Bradley McCauley McCauley Oct 31, 2009, 10:25am EDT
Thanks Tami, I did incorporate the two. I'm glad for the comment
Lee P. Oct 30, 2009, 10:46pm EDT
Do both of them, put them together. They are great. Can hardly wait to read the book.
M. Bradley McCauley McCauley Oct 31, 2009, 10:26am EDT
Thanks Lee, you don't know how much I appreciate hearing that. The book is available at a reduced cost in print and also downloadable. The link is up in the article.
Franklin Newman Oct 30, 2009, 10:47pm EDT
I prefer the first one, but I know I am in the minority. Do not discard it, by any means.
M. Bradley McCauley McCauley Oct 31, 2009, 10:27am EDT
Franklin, thanks and I didn't. The first one is definitely a mood setter while the 2d is a attention grabber, I think.
Linda T. Oct 31, 2009, 2:52am EDT
I depends on the tone you want to set for the book. The second one would lead me to believe the story is more action related than spiritual. For the type of book I believe yours is I would go with the first or a combination of the two like Marie in the comments above suggested.
M. Bradley McCauley McCauley Oct 31, 2009, 10:28am EDT
Actually it is more spiritual and the action is in the revelations of the characters as they tell about what's happening in their lives as a result of coming to the sessions each week.
Nina A Oct 31, 2009, 3:02am EDT
I LOVE the second opening and it definitely makes me want to read further.
M. Bradley McCauley McCauley Oct 31, 2009, 10:28am EDT
Thanks -- that's what I was hoping for.
Robert - just a simple man - B. Oct 31, 2009, 10:26am EDT
First second, first, second, first, second.... we're all confusing the hell out of you aren't we ?

Happy Halloween - BOO ! (justforthefunofit)
M. Bradley McCauley McCauley Oct 31, 2009, 10:29am EDT
Happy Halloween to you too Robert and thanks for being part of the commentary. I am truly blessed to have so many good Gather friends.
Sharon P. Oct 31, 2009, 12:32pm EDT
The second one is the best for me.
Maurice K. Oct 31, 2009, 12:36pm EDT
The second one caught my attention right away. The first one would be suitable for setting the mood after the introduction. Both are very well written.

Just my $0.02.
M. Bradley McCauley McCauley Nov 2, 2009, 9:15am EST
Thanks Maurice, I appreciate your thoughts. I did include the 2d one shortly after the opening. I'm glad now that I did and I'm not going to republish it.
Elena B. Oct 31, 2009, 2:10pm EDT
I like the second one as well. The second one grabs the reader instantly, but the visual you portray in the first should be intertwined within the second opening to enhance the spiritual effect it would have on the reader. Nice going Mary Bradley McCauley, your novel sounds like it will be a great read. Wishing you the best with it.
M. Bradley McCauley McCauley Nov 2, 2009, 9:22am EST
I self published it a couple years ago but never spent any time marketing it. So before I make the push to get it out there, I thought I'd check and see about the openings. So glad the consensus is the one I used. Now, wish me luck on getting it out there because I do think it can change lives.
Barbara H. Nov 3, 2009, 11:32pm EST
I'm noting the title and your name so I can remember and watch for it.
M. Bradley McCauley McCauley Nov 4, 2009, 7:01am EST
Thanks Barbara, it's available at The House of Annon

Print is $12. Download - $4.99
Marinela Kotsina Nov 2, 2009, 1:48am EST
I love both, so what can I say? Why the " house of Annon"?
I would love to read the book - when it comes to another realm of existence , I am all excited.
Thank you and miss you
M. Bradley McCauley McCauley Nov 2, 2009, 9:24am EST
It's the Huse of Annon, because that's where they come each week to learn how to change their lives and to share the changes as they occur
Sandre M. Nov 4, 2009, 1:40pm EST
Mary, so sorry to be tardy to the discussion! The first one is beautiful but too passive voiced for an opening. I liked Marie's suggestion of combining the two, or perhaps opening with #2 and adding #1 directly after it for setting.
joseph k. Nov 6, 2009, 7:42am EST
number two
Terry M. Nov 9, 2009, 8:13pm EST
Number two, and I like the 2nd one.
Quinn (aka Entwife) Blackburn Dec 1, 2009, 11:07am EST
I too prefer the second opening. It's more intense, and grips the reader with the need to discover more immediately.

:-) wishing you laughter
M. Bradley McCauley McCauley Dec 1, 2009, 11:20am EST
Thanks Quinn, it is the one I chose and is now the opening. The book is published and ready for launch.

Make someome smile today!

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