MODERN WISDOM: AMERICA'S ONLY HUMOR MAGAZINE
NUMBER 130
OCTOBER 2009
Copyright 2009 Francis DiMenno
http://dimenno.gather.com
dimenno@gmail.com
BROUGHT TO YOU BY.... CIA PET...and by TOMMYROT: AN ANTI-ROCK OPERA...and by RUCKUS JUICE...Baby's first delicious treat: The juice of carrots, oranges, mangoes, apples, passion fruit--and just a wee little drop of vodka in there.
EDITORIAL
The Rules of Authenticity in Satirical Magazine Publishing
In order to be taken seriously as a publisher of a satirical magazine you have to be:
a) The product of a dirt poor upbringing
b) angry
c) have or be recovering from a substance abuse problem
d) divorced
e) disenfranchised
AND you have to write about all of the above.
Anything else is not authentic in the cartoonish world of satirical magazine publishing. You can joke all you want about being middle-class, annoyed, slightly drunk, less-than-happily married and middle-aged.
But it ain't satire.
That's just whimsy.
Furthermore, the only way for a satiric publication to retain its authenticity much past ten years on is for the editor to either die--or resign, and pass the buck along to a new dirt-poor, angry, drugged, divorced, and hopefully, bipolar individual, while continuing to contribute occasional articles that nobody ever reads as an "emeritus". You "emeritus" also has to disown all his most brilliant past work as "childish," and publish only milquetoast rants about how awful it is to be famous. People expect that, and they profess to even like it.
However, MODERN WISDOM is NOT LIKE the other magazines!
(The other magazines have readers!)
AND NOW...MODERN WISDOM PRESENTS:
1. OH YES, IT'S THE GREAT RECESSION
2. THE LIAR'S DIET
3. SENILE GROOMING
4. ON FAILING TO GET AWAY
5. AN UNIMPORTANT NOVEL BY AN OLD WRITER
6. HAPPY AS A ROBOT CAN BE
7. SAINT GOD
8. MY HEART BELONGS TO DADA
9. A MAN NAMED DEAD
10. THE PROPAGANDA MACHINE OF OUR ENEMIES
11. SATAN UNIVERSITY
12. COUNT YOUR FINGERS
13. ECHO OF DESIRE
14. A LINGERING DISSOLUTION
15. TRADING ROCKS WITH GOD
16. PRACTICED MEDIOCRITY
17. THE UNEXPLORED ELEMENT
18. PRINCE OF BROMIDES
19. KILL THE NEANDERTHALS
20. TOO DEEP FOR TEARS
21. THE MONEY-SPENDERS AND THE MONEY-GRABBERS
22. MEME-MAKERS
23. ARBITRARY MORALITY
24. BRING IN A BASIN!
25. IDEALIZING ENVY
26. OF NO VALIDITY OUTSIDE THE JURISDICTION
27. THREE GENERATIONS OF IMBECILES
28. DRUNKS DON'T CARE
29. A POWERFUL PIECE OF SHIT
30. THE FELL SEASON
31. THE COMPLETE BOOK OF PAIN
32. IN SO MANY WORDS
33. RED, RED
34. OCCIDENTAL DESPOTISM
35. DANGEROUSLY DUMB
36. A TOWN WHERE DEATH IS EVERYWHERE
37. RIDING THE STAGECOACH TO HELL
38. A SINGLE ANT EMPIRE
39. JUKEBOX JUSTICE
40. THE FALSE CHOICES OF AN ARTIFICIAL LANDSCAPE
41. WEALTH, SEX, FERTILITY
42. KHAKI-WHACKY WHORE
43. A VERY BABEL
44. DEAR ALEX THE PARROT
45. LITERATURE
46. IRRISISTABLE PAP
47. PROFESSIONAL SON
48. WOVEL
49. GRANDFATHER LOVE
50. IMPORTANT JUNK
51. WHAT YOU REALLY NEED TO KNOW
52. LIBERTY INTERESTS
53. THE STORY OF THE
54. ARTIST FINDS PATH TO SELF-DESTRUCTION
55. A WHY-BOTHER SCENARIO
56. RETROSEXUAL
57. THE CANCER BROTHERS
58. IMPROVING THE SALIENCE
59. NAY, MADAM, I KNOW NOT SEEMS
60. OLD MAN
61. MY POWER
62. CONTEMPLATIVE FLOW
63. ZOOPOLIS
64. I HAVE NO WORLD TO KNOW
65. NOTHING IS HAPPENING
66. MR. CAESAR
67. CHAQUE A SON TOUR
68. WHAT IS MINE
69. A STAND-UP VAMPIRE
70. DISPOSOPHOBIC
71. UMVELT
72. TOO LATE
73. POPEYE THE COWBOY
74. WHY WE FUCK
75. WHERE GOD PAINTS THE SCENERY
76. TWENTY-FIVE MORE BAD IDEAS FOR TV SHOWS
WHITE WIDOW
TOUGH-GUY RADIO
THE LONG-HAIRED BOYS AND THE SHORT-HAIRED GIRLS
WE EAT WHAT WE LIKE
THE SPIKE LEE COMEDY HOUR
MR. WISDOM
CANNIBAL ISLAND
AN INVITATION TO A YOKING PARTY
W-WHY D-DOES MY CHILD STUTTER?
MURDEROUSLY DEPRESSED CLOWN
IMPERIALIST DOGS
HIDEBOUND SIMPLETONS
THE ALZHEIMER LOUNGE
HAVIN' FUN WITH DADDY
REAL LESBIANS HAVING SEX
MEET THE HOOK!
CEASE TO EXIST!
KNIGHTS IN SATAN'S SERVICE
FELCH!
SCOTT BARON, BMOC
THE GARBAGE PEOPLE
COPS: CLICK IT OR TICKET
CATHARSIS THE CAT AND HERMENEUTICS THE MOUSE
THE AGONY OF THE FEET
WE BELONG DEAD
77. BAD TV SHOWS AND THEIR THEME SONGS
DEAR DR. DOOM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYSnJfmxsgg&feature=related
YOU MUST BE A WITCH
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jnHYW8Er2E
78. MODERN WISDOM PRESENTS--BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND:
THE FLYING ROBOT FIGHTS THE INVULNERABLE GHOST--PART TWO!!!
You asked for it, and by G-d, we're going to sock it to you--it's Issue 45 of Flying Robot and here we are at the Modern Wisdom Publications Sweatbox (which is what we call our zany concatenation of artists, writers, inkers, letterists, editors, and general all-around cut-ups)--waiting on tenterhooks! (OUCH!) Tell you the truth, we didn't know ourselves how it all was going to turn out UNTIL JUST NOW!!! (For a full recap, see Flying Robot #44!!!)
So! SPEED FORCE LINES!!! LOTS OF THEM! 'Cause the ever-lovin' Flyin' Robot is honked off at the Invisible Ghost, and they're both heading for each other so fast that there's bound to be an utterly brutal collision--and if we try to wiggle out of this one--say, by having the Flyin' Robot fly SO FAST that he goes back in time or some other jive cop-out like "an invisible force field" or something like that, we'll never hear the end of it, so that's out of the question--NO!
SO! What DOES happen...when...THE IRRESISTIBLE FORCE MEETS THE IMMOVABLE OBJECT?
Well, the Flyin' Robot gets knocked sky west is what! AND SO DOES THE INVISIBLE GHOST!
They both get knocked half-way around the world!
And here's what happens next! (No more corny flashbacks or editorial commentary here--we got to keep the engines revving--because truly, THIS is THE MODERN WISDOM AGE of comicdom!)
The Flying Robot lands in Soviet airspace somewhere over Kamchatka, and--guess what?
The Red Commie Slavemasters are none too happy over this state of affairs?
DA!
How unhappy are the Ivans?
Well, let's just say that they have their own inferior version of the Flying Robot called THE SOVIET AUTOMATON, who bears "the collective strength of the Soviet People", which ain't much individually, since we all know they live on turnips and vodka and their women look like dumplings in potato sacks--but COLLECTIVELY? 300 Million Soviets?! WOW!
I guess you'd call THAT a worthy adversary for the Flyin' Robot, who, for all his highfalutin' hi-tech gadgetry is--let's face it, gang--not exactly a sackcloth and ashes kind of guy. Which is to say, he's a wealthy playboy who's not used to scrapin' his knuckles raw--'cept maybe on the polo field--haw!
So you can easily imagine what happens next. The Soviet Automaton gives him...such...a...wallop--yow! That's gotta hurt! Way you can tell is, The Flying Robot's face plate is about half torn off there, and that thar is red red korovy drippin' from the SovAut's rookers! (Hard to tell, of course, since S.A.'s armor is red anyway. Hence the dripping. NOT gratuitous gore--but SO YOU'LL KNOW! Know that the Flyin' Robot is in for the fight of his life!)
Let's face it--Flyin' Robot is just a wee bit outclassed, here.
With desperately fumbling fingers the Flying Robot makes an adjustment to his armor--with his dying strength! That's right, gang, The Flyin' Robot is DYING! The next issue--COULD BE THE LAST!!! (And if THAT doesn't amp up the sales figures, nothing will!)
What in Sam Hill is he up to?
Well, you won't find out right away, because now we've got to catch up on what's happening with THE INVISIBLE GHOST!
CHAPTER TWO!
Well, the good old Invisible Ghost got knocked all the way around the world and ended up in--Japan! Japan--that mystical land of rice, and rickshaws, and, um, giant monsters and cars that drive in endless circles on ramps and people who use chopsticks and live like ants in huge monolithic office towers and there's lots of neon.
Seems that once he's in Tokyo or whatever futuristic Japanese city he's supposed to be in, the Invisible Ghost immediately runs afoul of THE DEATH FACE MOB and their boss--none other than our latest and greatest supervillian creation--THE SILVER ANDROID! And--yes! They Fight! And what a battle royal Six panels per page, and three pages worth of wallops, back and forth! KACHUNG! WHAMMO! POW! THUD! VA-THOOM! The Invisible Ghost winds up in th' drink! But before I.G. can so much as put up a defense, THAT SILVER ANDROID is hovering near! Ready to administer--the coup de grâce!
(We had quite a "bull" session about this one over at the Sweatbox--I mean, wouldn't you expect the Flying ROBOT to take on an ANDROID? But that's why we're daring and different here at ModWisPubs--we don't believe in taking the easy way out! Also, the Silver Android does NOT speak in a comic Oriental patois--no, we decided that, just for a change of pace, he actually speaks English JUST AS WELL AS YOU OR ME! Yahoo! What a step forward for race relations! There ain't no flies on us!)
WOW! And here's, like, the VERY DEEP AND PHILOSOPHICAL thing about the story (and only ModWisPub would DARE to bring to this story such a CONTROVERSIAL twist)--the whole thing is a misunderstanding! You see, The Silver Android ONLY WANTS TO BE LEFT IN PEACE--BUT HE'S AFRAID THE INVISIBLE GHOST IS THERE TO STEAL ALL THE JAPANESE WOMEN! Wow! A racially prejudiced Japanese Android! They said it couldn't be done--BUT WE DOOD IT!
So what does The Invisible Ghost do? Ol' I.G. gets up out of the seaweed 'n' muck--and...FLIES OFF!
Wow! Had I.G. turned COWARD (than which there is no fate worse, in the pre-adolescent male mind)???
COULD IT BE????
Continued next ish...IN FLYING ROBOT #46!
YOU GOTTA MAKE IT!
COMING ATTRACTIONS!!!
See the Invisible Ghost tackle the menace of...THE CAR FIGHTER! (INVISIBLE GHOST #39)
Who can take on the mysterious UNDERSHIRT BRIGADE? (ORNERY SUPERHUMAN SAILOR #356)
One man MUST FIGHT against an ENTIRE NATION--led by...THE BRUTAL KING! (BIPOLAR LAD #21)
79. ATOWN IS MY BEAT
CHAPTER 27
WHERE TO SHOP IN ANYTOWN
VITAMINS
I go to the FDA Store.
People ask me how I can trust the government.
And I say that I trust them a lot more than the proprietors of Oofty Goofty's Vitamin Bazaar, featuring Dr. Whacky's Bee Pollen and Laetrile Penis Power Cocktail.
Let's be frank--fish oil has got to be refrigerated, or else you're basically drinking paint.
You got to sip orange juice through a straw, because citric acid can destroy enamel.
And you might want to buy organic chicken because the supermarket stuff is shot through with hormones....
Even the very source of life--the air, the water, the food we eat--is also a source of DEATH!
The IRONY!
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