My calendar is clearly way off. As close as I can figure, the year is actually 1009 - but then, what's a millennia amongst friends? I know this because my fellow human beings are acting as if it's the Middle Ages and Geoffrey Chaucer just joined the NYT as a new columnist.
Many of the more learned of my species are solidly behind the "science" of creationism. The hell with a bunch of provable facts, if the Bible says it, it must be literally so! Then, there are the "enlightened" ones who believe that if there are gay people, they choose to be so because it's just so darn much fun. However, the conservarati draw the line at marriage between the pervs because fun is the devil's work and you just can't be letting the homos have fun.
Then, there is Pat Robertson.
To hear him tell it, Pat's God's right hand man - sort of an ambassador without portfolio to Jesus. He talks to The Big Guy every day via celestial cell phone to get the straight poop on who needs smiting now.
A few years ago, it was the citizens of Florida. Pat asked The Big Guy to detour a hurricane away from his Virginia headquarters and send it to Florida to smite Disneyworld. It seems then-Disney CEO Michael Eisner was a first cousin to Beelzebub for letting homo-seck-shulls onto the property. That or he was a Jew which is nearly as bad, but as long as somebody got smote the important point got across.
Pat has a new crusade, just like the ones happening in the Middle East (remember it is 1009 by Pat's calendar). Pat is four-square against Halloween.
Now this crusade is nothing new. Some Christians have been all het up about pagan shenanigans since the first Christians co-opted them to make recruiting the heathens easier. It wasn't until the fundamentalist types - many of whom were first recruited by promises of dancing in the nude around bonfires -Â figured out that God didn't want any part of fun. Besides, they needed a way to explain all those embarrassing erections they got when they smelled wood smoke. Their belief was based mostly on the fact that Muslims get 72 virgins and all the honey you can row a boat in - and the Christian God was a bit tight-fisted with the virgins.
No, Pat's not new with this whole Halloween thing, but he does have a new twist.Â One of his acolytes, Kimberly Daniels, has figured out that it's not just this pagan celebration with its double, double, toil and trouble sensibility that's the problem. No, the problem is that the Devil has a sweet tooth.
Quoth Ms. Daniels about Halloween, "During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches."
Damn you Samantha and Sabrina! You chocoholics are the devil's spawn!
Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!