The Complete Recluse Celebrates Halloween the East Kentucky Way!

The Complete Recluse Celebrates Halloween the East Kentucky Way!

I’ve begun my Halloween preparations.  First, I’ve spray painted over my name on my mailbox and written Vacant in black sharpie on the front.   Then I’ve posted a large sign pointing toward my brother’s house.  It says

Bonus! Double Candy for the First 30 Trick or Treater’s at Will’s House O’Sugar!!!

(My brother is even more reclusive than I am, so this is tantamount to egging his house.)

I hung blackout curtains over all the windows and removed the second step from the porch stairs.  I took the bulb out of the porch light, too.   I’ve made recordings of my AK-47 and distributed speakers near all the big windows.  I put the gunfire on a CD so it will replay over and over without pause.  I won’t have to do a thing.

This afternoon, I took my chainsaw and felled a large tree in the drive.  Damn near dropped it on the cat, too.  I cut out the middle section so I can remove it, then disguised the cuts with leaves.  The chainsaw made such a great noise that I’ve added it to my gunfire CD.  I left the chainsaw on the porch.

Next I used the jigsaw to cut out a silhouette of a man pointing a gun, then I painted it black.  This goes on top of the dam where it'll be back lit by the setting sun.  My visitors and their young 'uns will see it as they come around the pond and up the hill. 

Of course, I’ve closed the gate and double padlocked it   Just for fun, I also ran a wire from an old car battery and electrified the gate !  It will be a such a shock to whoever goes to open the gate!   It’s these little touches that make the holiday such fun!

I put solar lights under all the No Trespassing signs, and another set along the path that veers off into the woods above the cliffs.

The dogs love Halloween.  I’ve fed them gun powder and sharpened their teeth.  Now I have some genuine blood to smear on the porch light and door knob.

Next to the Barcalounger I’ve put the tape deck with the recording of my son shouting

Don’t shoot when you’re drunk, Ma!

so it will be handy to cue in just as folks get out of their cars.  It’s a little muffled what with the gunfire in the background, but I think it adds just the right touch.

And, of course, I’ve been to Wal-Mart for six big bags of Halloween Candy.  And to County Line Liquors for the bourbon.  The three Oxycontin I got from my no-count brother-in-law in Rowdy.  My detective stories arrived from Amazon today and are sitting on the end table next to the lamp.

I’ve popped the popcorn and I have plenty of ice.

Let the celebrations begin!