Dealing with Grief and Loss and in Turn Helping Others

There is no doubt that losing someone to death is one of the most painful and stressful events that we will ever experience in our lifetime. Although we know that death is a natural process in life, one never really seems prepared for it.  In the case of loved ones who is suffering we may long for death, so they are spared the pain, but we not always be prepared for the emotional impact that follows.  We are happy the sick and tortured are no longer suffering but we still mourn the loss.

However, there are situations when we are not prepared or expect the death of a loved one at all.  Some of these situations would include death caused by an accident, murder, or death of a child.  After all the way of nature is that children survive their parents and if they don’t something is terribly, terribly wrong.  All feelings are absolutely normal. Yes we do still mourn even if we know our loved ones are no longer suffering, and yes will continue to question the senseless untimely deaths by murder, accidents, or sickness in young children.

In 1969, Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross rocked the world with her groundbreaking research and formidable work called On Death and Dying. She gave the world an understanding of the grieving process and she gave permission to the bereaved to feel their emotions, and embrace them.  She gave them the permission to grieve.  It is only through the grieving process that the bereaved eventually heal and move on to enjoy their lives as they were meant to be carried out.

Five Stages of Death

Kubler-Ross maintained that people more or less went through the same five stages and each of the stages was important to the healing process.

Stage 1 – Denial

Denial is a temporary buffer to cushion the reality of a recent or eminent death.   For the terminally ill and their families, this could translate into thinking that death is not going to happen, or there will be some miraculous recovery. If the death has already taken place denial is support by statements such as, “I am fine, I am dealing with it well, everything is just like normal.” After this period is over a deeper sense of awareness comes into play.

Stage 2 – Anger

The impact of death is setting in and the person is angry by the fact that they are facing death. The anger surmounts as they rationalize that it shouldn’t be happening to them, they have their whole life yet to live.  Or in case of a grieving member, they focus their rage and anger onto someone else. “It is your fault for his death, you didn’t take good care of him, you didn’t love him like I did, you just didn’t care.”

Stage 3 – Bargaining

Bargaining usually is an appeal to God or a higher power to extend life just a little longer.  “God if you allow me to live long enough to see my children grow I promise I will be a better parent,” If you give me one more chance at life, I will stop smoking and drinking immediately.” If it directed to another individual the bargaining is the same, “Please God save my Billy take me instead.”

Stage 4 – Depression

At this stage the people are well aware that death is fast approaching and they become depressed.  For the person who is about to die, he or she may give up on life, thinking that is pointless to continue on with the business of living, it is all for naught anyhow.  Or if it is a loved one who has died, the bereaved may still feel that life is not worth living. The bereaved may totally isolate themselves from the outside world. 

Stage 5 – Acceptance

This stage is acceptance of what is about to come for the dying person, who may want to be left alone or they may want to fix up their affairs before they leave this world.  For the family members it is a time to look forward, accept the passing and feel the empowerment that they can and will continue on without their loved one.

Dr. Kubler-Ross did say the stages were not necessarily always represented in the same order. However, acceptance would be the final stage at the end of the grieving process.  Sometimes people would experience several stages at once, or go back and forth. The stages of grieving is now applied to other areas such as divorce, infertility, or drug addiction.

Unfortunately, there are people who do struggle with death up until the very end.  Some psychologists say that death will be harder for those who fight it all the way, while others claim that being in the denial stage may be very adaptive for some individuals, who will have hope until the very end.



Criticism

Spiritual Beliefs

The Kubler-Ross theory did not support the ways that people understand and deal with death across cultures. Many religious people are more likely to accept death than those who do not have any spiritual beliefs. 

Human Resilience

There have been studies on people who have faced horrendous situations have accepted death when they somehow could attach meaning to the process. Children who were holocaust survivors have shown tremendous resilience.

There is the pivotal work of Dr. Viktor Frankl, who wrote about his own experiences in the Auschwitz death camp and those of the people around him, who watched as their loved ones were systematically tortured and put to death.  The courageous and undaunting spirit of the Jewish people, who found meaning in the horrific circumstances, empowered him to continue on.  Dr. Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning brought hope and joy to many people throughout the years.

Dr. Kubler-Ross proposed a five stage grieving process, which is still used by grief counselors today, however some new research proposed by certain theorists do not contend that the theory holds up. Dr. George Bonanno, professor of clinical psychology at Columbia University concludes that there is no research evidence to support the Kubler-Ross Theory.   Bonanno is accredited with the first rigorous scientific research upon the subject of bereavement.  In his book The Other Side of Sadness, he states that there are no predetermined stages of death. He says there are four trajectories, and different people experience grief differently.  Dr. Bonanno has further shed light on bereaving and offers hope for people who want to heal and once again be happy.  Bonanno affirms that people can be happy after experiencing the death of a loved one and criticizes the older theories, which negated human resilience.

Lifestyle

Robert Kastenbaum, PhD and professor of communications at Arizona State University, maintains that dealing with death and anxiety has a lot to do with lifestyle and the differences in perceptions about death.  He says that women are more anxious about death than men, death seems to be more acceptable among the senior population as they expect it and accept it more readily than younger people, people with mental disorders have a higher death and anxiety level and people who have been exposed to traumatic situations have a higher level of anxiety associated with death. Also health factors, support system, and other lifestyle considerations are not taken into account in the Kubler-Ross five-stage theory.

How people can work through grief

For some people all it may take is a good support system with family and friends. Others would need a support group for the bereaved and still others would need a professional psychologist or grief counselor.

There are still another group of people that take from their experience and make it better for others who come after them.  Candice Lightner founded the organization M.A.D.D. - Mothers Against Drunk Driving in 1980 after a drunk driver killed her 13-year-old daughter.

The Michael C. Fox Foundation is set up for research and advancement into the causes and treatment for Parkinson’s disease.  Michael is using his time left on this earth to help others who come after him who may benefit from research and treatment long after he is gone.

Then there is a little lady by the name of Josee-Anne Desrochers.  She was just a simple mother living in a poorer district of Montreal, Quebec.  On August 10, 1995, she experienced every mother’s worst nightmare.  Her 10-year-old son, Daniel, was senseless killed when a jeep exploded in front of him while he played with his friend on Adam Street.  The tragedy was unthinkable and could have been avoided.  The incident was not targeted for him but was one of the many senseless deaths involving Montreal notorious biker gangs.

Josee-Anne grieved like every other mother, but she went one step further, she called for a public inquiry into the death of her son.  She was determined to put an end to the biker wars between the Montreal’s Nomad Chapter of Hell’s Angels and the Rock Machine.  She wanted retribution and she wanted to make the streets save for children once again in Montreal.  Through her persistence and courage the special Quebec Provincial task force, the “Wolverines,” was set up and eventually brought the bikers down.

People react differently to death and some do better than others. If you are grieving please don’t isolate yourself, open up and know that what you are feeling whatever it may be is normal.  A trained counselor or support group can help you make it through life day by day until the day that you can feel that you can take on the world, in your own way and in your own time.



Sources:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model
http://www.rjgeib.com/thoughts/frankl/frankl.html
http://www.ekrfoundation.org//index.html
http://www.deathreference.com/A-Bi/Anxiety-and-Fear.html