Ecstasy of Agonal Hope-Friday Freewrite Prompt

I pondered and intitially gave up after reading Susan's prompt, on part of which I zeroed in.  What do I believe happens after we die?  I am not sure.  I have very personal views that I chose not to get into here.  I avoid religion and politics like the plague on gather as I want purely to connect and create and not to focus on the differences between us through this site.  Religion and politics certainly were never ideally meant to sever and offend, but they do!  So please do not address anything of that nature in comments. 

Anyway, with that disclaimer presented let me go on.  The prompt led me to think about what I would say.  One of the ideas that I landed on briefly was reincarnation and I immediately thought, "Oh, please no."  This was a shocking thought to me that really tripped me up.  I put away the notion to write on this subject. 

Then I felt the commensurate guilt for not treating life as a gift.  It is, but I'm tired and the idea of all this again is hide under the covers exhausting.  Interestingly, this thought is in direct contradiction to my sometimes wish to get a do over button.  Ah ambivalence, how I know thee.  This is not a plea for pity because I really don't earn it.  I am ok.   This year is better than last, but the conscious effort to maintain contentment and peace is buckling in its burden somedays.  I have permanent stregth and will continue to see this life out.  Both since I do believe that life is a gift and for the ever present, deeply buried seed of hope that I will figure out my dreams and then achieve some of them. 

Isn't long shot hope agony?  It is like being stuck in the middle of the stages of grief without being able to move on.  I grieve a loss that might not really be a loss so I don't really finish the process.  I can't accept that something isn't when it still might be.  A friend pointed out once that my own strength of will is sometimes my enemy.  If I was weaker, I would give in more quickly, fail more quickly and go on.  But some dreams I have always wanted to come true.  And the tempting thoughts that they might be just around the corner keep me trapped like a hope addict.

Ok, so this is not going where I thought it was going.  I woke up today fine.  Thought I was going to write about coming back as a pampered house cat.  Cats are so inherently comfortable in their own skin.  Something about the flexibility and graceful power.   Well, huh.  This didn't go down the comic path for which I aimed.  Well after this self indulgent piece, I will ponder the swirls of thoughts and value the processed ideas.  Nothing is wasted if I learn what I need to learn.  I changed the title since I truly didn't proceed they way I predicted.  Agonal meant like agonal breathing, reflexive efforts created by deeply imbedded unconscious instincts to survive.