THE LEMON BASKET: THE BEST & WORST OF THE WEB
#547 OCTOBER 30, 2009
Copyright 2009 FRANCIS DIMENNO
http://dimenno.gather.com
francisdimenno@yahoo.com
#547 OCTOBER 30, 2009
Copyright 2009 FRANCIS DIMENNO
http://dimenno.gather.com
francisdimenno@yahoo.com
WRITING
The average shelf life of a trade book is somewhere between milk and yogurt. --Calvin Trillin
Novels are receipts to make a whore.-- Matthew Green
"Evil men have no songs." How is it, then, that the Russians have songs?
--Nietzsche
The worst thing about new books is that they keep us from reading the old ones.--Joseph Joubert
When a man is in doubt about this or that in his writing, it will often guide him if he asks himself how it will tell a hundred years hence. --Samuel Butler
RETARDEAU
"We were very tired, we were very merry/ We had gone back and forth all night on the ferry"
"We were very tired, we were very merry/ We had gone back and forth all night on the ferry"
--Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Recuerdo"
We weren't very bright but we were very wealthy,
We spent all year long in acting stealthy
Pretending we were Jean Gabin and Betty Grable,
And we broke into a house and stole some copper cable.
Then we launched a coup d'etat and laughing like a loon
We were very entertained 'til nearly June.
We weren't very bright but we were very wealthy
We declared the time had come for acting stealthy.
And I declared a war and you declared another
And a dozen bombs fell from the sky and killed somebody's mother.
And the earth grew warm then cold and the wind grew vicious
And we authorized the forming of the home militias.
We weren't very bright but we were very wealthy
We decided where's the need for acting stealthy?
So we let the dollar's worth began to burn up
And watched a drop of blood run from a turnip.
And the people said "God damn you" and we smiled and waved,
And laughed at all the people we enslaved.
We weren't very bright but we were very wealthy,
We spent all year long in acting stealthy
Pretending we were Jean Gabin and Betty Grable,
And we broke into a house and stole some copper cable.
Then we launched a coup d'etat and laughing like a loon
We were very entertained 'til nearly June.
We weren't very bright but we were very wealthy
We declared the time had come for acting stealthy.
And I declared a war and you declared another
And a dozen bombs fell from the sky and killed somebody's mother.
And the earth grew warm then cold and the wind grew vicious
And we authorized the forming of the home militias.
We weren't very bright but we were very wealthy
We decided where's the need for acting stealthy?
So we let the dollar's worth began to burn up
And watched a drop of blood run from a turnip.
And the people said "God damn you" and we smiled and waved,
And laughed at all the people we enslaved.
1*SALUTATION
CHILDREN SCARED OF SANTA
2*REFERENCE
American Homicide
Randolph Roth
In American Homicide, Randolph Roth charts changes in the character and incidence of homicide in the U.S. from colonial times to the present. Roth argues that the United States is distinctive in its level of violence among unrelated adults—friends, acquaintances, and strangers. America was extraordinarily homicidal in the mid-seventeenth century, but it became relatively non-homicidal by the mid-eighteenth century, even in the slave South; and by the early nineteenth century, rates in the North and the mountain South were extremely low. But the homicide rate rose substantially among unrelated adults in the slave South after the American Revolution; and it skyrocketed across the United States from the late 1840s through the mid-1870s, while rates in most other Western nations held steady or fell. That surge—and all subsequent increases in the homicide rate—correlated closely with four distinct phenomena: political instability; a loss of government legitimacy; a loss of fellow-feeling among members of society caused by racial, religious, or political antagonism; and a loss of faith in the social hierarchy. Those four factors, Roth argues, best explain why homicide rates have gone up and down in the United States and in other Western nations over the past four centuries, and why the United States is today the most homicidal affluent nation.
http://www.hup.harvard.edu/catalog/ROTAME.html
3*HUMOR
Randolph Roth
In American Homicide, Randolph Roth charts changes in the character and incidence of homicide in the U.S. from colonial times to the present. Roth argues that the United States is distinctive in its level of violence among unrelated adults—friends, acquaintances, and strangers. America was extraordinarily homicidal in the mid-seventeenth century, but it became relatively non-homicidal by the mid-eighteenth century, even in the slave South; and by the early nineteenth century, rates in the North and the mountain South were extremely low. But the homicide rate rose substantially among unrelated adults in the slave South after the American Revolution; and it skyrocketed across the United States from the late 1840s through the mid-1870s, while rates in most other Western nations held steady or fell. That surge—and all subsequent increases in the homicide rate—correlated closely with four distinct phenomena: political instability; a loss of government legitimacy; a loss of fellow-feeling among members of society caused by racial, religious, or political antagonism; and a loss of faith in the social hierarchy. Those four factors, Roth argues, best explain why homicide rates have gone up and down in the United States and in other Western nations over the past four centuries, and why the United States is today the most homicidal affluent nation.
http://www.hup.harvard.edu/catalog/ROTAME.html
3*HUMOR
A fat Russian baritone in a sailor suit bellows "Let It Be"
4*NOVELTY
NEIGHBORS MISTAKE DEAD MAN FOR HALLOWEEN DISPLAY
5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
THE NEW ADVENTURES OF RACE RIOT MAN
6* DAILY UTILITY
Bill Monroe & His Blue Grass Boys
"Roanoke"
ALSO SEE:
Monroe and Scruggs Documentary (excerpt)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izliWZopCy4&feature=fvw
7*CARTOONhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izliWZopCy4&feature=fvw
BAD PAINTINGS OF BARACK OBAMA
8*PRESCRIPTION
DAN BROWN
Word on the street is that Da Vinci is better than his current one,
The Lost Symbol, which, however, is better than Angels and Demons,
The Lost Symbol, which, however, is better than Angels and Demons,
which, in turn, is better than his first two books.
But don't ask me. Heck, I got less than one chapter into Da Vinci before deciding...erm, "it wasn't for me".
(That's the new "it sucks".)
Y'know, as a critic, I'm constantly obliged by the better angels
of my feelings (as opposed to the evil devils of my intellectual
dishonesty) to soft-pedel some of my more cut-throat critiques.
But for all his literary crimes--err, flaws (and Mark Twain would have
a field day--you ought to read his essay on James Fenimore Cooper),
But don't ask me. Heck, I got less than one chapter into Da Vinci before deciding...erm, "it wasn't for me".
(That's the new "it sucks".)
Y'know, as a critic, I'm constantly obliged by the better angels
of my feelings (as opposed to the evil devils of my intellectual
dishonesty) to soft-pedel some of my more cut-throat critiques.
But for all his literary crimes--err, flaws (and Mark Twain would have
a field day--you ought to read his essay on James Fenimore Cooper),
at least Mr. Brown has got a shrewd sense of the market.
Problem is, he ruined the conspiranoia market for the rest of us.
The way I see it, he saw that people like James Ellroy and Thomas
Pynchon were making a mint off'n the conspiracy stuff and meticulously
ripped off Holy Blood Holy Grail. This is pretty much common
knowledge....
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Holy_Blood_and_the_Holy_Grail
Forget the kludgy writing. His real sin is that he gives us conspiracy
nuts a bad name.
Problem is, he ruined the conspiranoia market for the rest of us.
The way I see it, he saw that people like James Ellroy and Thomas
Pynchon were making a mint off'n the conspiracy stuff and meticulously
ripped off Holy Blood Holy Grail. This is pretty much common
knowledge....
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Holy_Blood_and_the_Holy_Grail
Forget the kludgy writing. His real sin is that he gives us conspiracy
nuts a bad name.
Meanwhile, unlike me, Maureen Dowd has read the book--and pulls no punches:
9*RUMOR PATROL
SMILEY FACE MURDERS
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smiley_face_murder_theory
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smiley_face_murder_theory
1O*LAGNIAPPE
THE BOLSHEVIK EXPROPRIATORS CLUB
Stalin seems to have consolidated his terrorist leadership while incarcerated. Like Abu Musab al Zarqawi, he was a natural leader of the lumpen, semiliterate prison element, and reputation alone drove the success of his Bolshevik Expropriators Club, which procured weapons, facilitated jailbreaks for captured comrades, and executed party turncoats: "Stalin would order the delivery of a letter to a businessman, illustrated with 'bombs, a lacerated corpse and two crossed daggers,' then come calling with a Mauser in his belt to collect." Better still was the Expropriators' version of a Hallmark card--"The Bolshevik Committee proposes that your firm pay ___ roubles"--always delivered by Stalin's tall, armed bodyguard.
Stalin seems to have consolidated his terrorist leadership while incarcerated. Like Abu Musab al Zarqawi, he was a natural leader of the lumpen, semiliterate prison element, and reputation alone drove the success of his Bolshevik Expropriators Club, which procured weapons, facilitated jailbreaks for captured comrades, and executed party turncoats: "Stalin would order the delivery of a letter to a businessman, illustrated with 'bombs, a lacerated corpse and two crossed daggers,' then come calling with a Mauser in his belt to collect." Better still was the Expropriators' version of a Hallmark card--"The Bolshevik Committee proposes that your firm pay ___ roubles"--always delivered by Stalin's tall, armed bodyguard.
11*DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
TOP 10 COUNTRY HITS
RABBLE AND THE ROUSERS, "Coonie Up a Gum Stump Shoo Fly Shoo"
THE COWBOY LEPERS, "Dead Dog in a Carnival Costume"
THE ASS WRANGLERS, "Fifty Dollars and Time Served"
THE POTATO-SEED EATERS, "Hominy Wishes And Corn Likker Dreams"
THE FLOATING OUTHOUSE LOGS, "Paw Ain't No Kin to You"
THE BIG STICK COUNTRY SQUIRES, "Billyclub Breakfast"
WHEN COUSINS MARRY, "Fire Bad"
PURTY MOUTH, "Corn Syrup Uber Alles"
OYER & TERMINER, "Cream of Tobacco Soup"
FOUR ROSES AND A THORN, "Benny at the Wheel"
451. CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE
MIND KONTROL TOP 75
SHANTY TRAMP, "Ass In Pocket"
FIVE CENT TZAR, "The Very Special Episode"
HIERONYMOUS POOP, "Drunken Ira Hayes" (Dance Remix)
LADY OF PAIN, "J'Adore"
JEHOVAH VACUUM CLEANER, "Dance Floor Shiny Under Junkies"
FASHION GORILLAZ, "It Makes Me Want to Kill Myself"
SEED RAIN AND THE BAT SHIT FIVE, "Rubbing One Out to April "
REVEREND DEVILLE, "Stinkfinga"
SPLENDOURS AND MISERIES OF THE PROSTITUTE, "In the Cave I Met a Hairier Version of Myself"
PRESIDENT CORNBALL & HIS ADMINISTRATION, "Conspiracy Dogs"
UNITED STATES HEROES, "Tough Guys (With Something to Hide)"
TINY SINESTRO, "Squeaky-Clean Suckers With Deep Pockets"
MR. BLOWJANGLES, "Sign of the Breast"
LYSERGIC REFLUX, "Cape Does Not Enable User to Fly"
KLARK KRYPTONITE AND THE KETAMINE FIVE,"The New Breed of Scumbag Who Cannot Fight Without a Weapon"
PITBULL DEFENDERS, "We Make 'Em Die "
SMASH UGLY, "Midget Down"
JOEY HEROIN, "Mr. Heroin Nerves"
FIRM BUT FAIR, "Satan's Cheerleader"
ROBOT SPYMASTER, "Normal Sadness"
THE SQUEEGEE MEN, "Fill Your Den With Liquor Using Food Stamps"
PEOPLE FROM TV, "Last of the Dancing Gypsy Bears"
THIS MAJESTIKAL ROOF, "With An LSD Girlfriend"
BLIND BEHEMOTH, “Ha Ha You Are a Slave”
HE WHO IS GOD HAS SAID IT, "Panic Inducing Marijuana"
THE ANTI-ROCK EQUATION, "Pass the Mighty Waterfall"
STABBITY MC STAB STAB STAB, "A Cat Named Frankenstein"
GOLD TOOTH FATTY, "Busy With Those Reefers"
THE BLOOD SURFERS, "Mr. Atomic Fireball"
TOOTHBREAKER, "Let Me Look Through Your Purse"
TURN ME ON DEAD MAN, "And They Are Mild"
FOOT OF ENGORGED BRAWN, "I Trust Diet Smith's Robot"
THE CARNY ELITE, "Daddy's Scratchy Face"
SOME DICKHEAD ACADEMIC, "The Lineaments of Gratified Desire"
SINISTER CHIPMUNKS, "Ten Times Bigger Than the Biggest Rat"
BOLSHEVIK EXPROPRIATORS CLUB, "Tender Effusions of Laxative Woodcocks"
THE TUFF-GUY HARDCORE SENSATIONS, "Thor's Ever-Loving Hammer"
THE INTERESTING LESBIANS, "Big Chief Hug 'Em and Kiss 'Em"
183 DIFFERENT BOZOS, "The Freeway Is Our Ashtray"
CELEBRITY KILLERS, "Our Religion Is Love"
THE HEAD DRIFTS TOWARD THE BOTTOM, "Baby Made a Boom-Boom"
THE THIRSTY GIANTS, "(Theme From) Godsmell"
BULLETPROOF WITCH, "Acid Dog"
DAGGER STAB LEGEND, "Zip-a-Dee-Dada"
THE ALCOHOLIC BEARS, "Let Unconquerable Gladness Dwell"
THE TEMPLE EXPLODES THE CHICKEN CUBE, "Liquor Store In Nox Town"
CARLOS MARCELLO AND THE LIVARSI NA PETRA DI LA SCARPA ORCHESTRA, "(And) The Hits (Keep Right on Coming)"
WHISTLING FACE SYNDROME, "A Rage to Die"
SCREAMING MONKEY HEAD, "Pimp and Circumstance"
HELLO BECOME LOVE GIANT!, "Just Let Me Put the Tip In"
DSM-IV, "The Colour of God"
PSYCHO KITTY AND THE POWER BIGOTS, "I Heart the South"
I GOT A HARD, "Tubular Smells"
FAITHFUL AND DISCREET SLAVE CLASS, "Alpha 66 Is Go"
CIGAR SMOKING ZOMBIES, "We Who Are Not We... And Yet "
UNCLE BENZEDRINE'S ALERTED RICE, "The Sugar Cube Ride"
THE FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTHS—“The Reason”
TRIPPY DINOSAUR--"The Fairy and the Zephyr"
THE SUNSHINE HIPSTERS—“Fun is Fun”
THE WHITE BEARDS—“Mr. Captain”
GENTLE BEN--"I Love Unicorns"
THE MARTYRS--"Life is Gray"
THE 8-TEENS--"It's All About Me”
THE SATANIC ROCKETS--"Napalm Conspiracy"
THE SPRINGTIMES--“Ride the Chopper”
THE SONIC BOOM—“Ready to Rock"
THE WAY COOL—“One Two”
THE FAMILY GARAGE--"Um..."
THE PRETEND--"Money for Rope"
MOLDY FIG & THE JAZZ REVIVAL --"Desusifunido"
SAURON’S FLAMING EYE--"When the Caissons Go Rolling Along"
HAPPY HIPPY AND HIS HOEDOWN HUMPERS--"Far Far Out"
THE BLACK BEARDS—“Making Cowboy Love”
DAD & THE SURFERS--"I Live in The Doghouse"
PERPETUAL SHEETS OF BLACK F*CKING RAIN--"Funny Ha Ha Ha"
SHANTY TRAMP, "Ass In Pocket"
FIVE CENT TZAR, "The Very Special Episode"
HIERONYMOUS POOP, "Drunken Ira Hayes" (Dance Remix)
LADY OF PAIN, "J'Adore"
JEHOVAH VACUUM CLEANER, "Dance Floor Shiny Under Junkies"
FASHION GORILLAZ, "It Makes Me Want to Kill Myself"
SEED RAIN AND THE BAT SHIT FIVE, "Rubbing One Out to April "
REVEREND DEVILLE, "Stinkfinga"
SPLENDOURS AND MISERIES OF THE PROSTITUTE, "In the Cave I Met a Hairier Version of Myself"
PRESIDENT CORNBALL & HIS ADMINISTRATION, "Conspiracy Dogs"
UNITED STATES HEROES, "Tough Guys (With Something to Hide)"
TINY SINESTRO, "Squeaky-Clean Suckers With Deep Pockets"
MR. BLOWJANGLES, "Sign of the Breast"
LYSERGIC REFLUX, "Cape Does Not Enable User to Fly"
KLARK KRYPTONITE AND THE KETAMINE FIVE,"The New Breed of Scumbag Who Cannot Fight Without a Weapon"
PITBULL DEFENDERS, "We Make 'Em Die "
SMASH UGLY, "Midget Down"
JOEY HEROIN, "Mr. Heroin Nerves"
FIRM BUT FAIR, "Satan's Cheerleader"
ROBOT SPYMASTER, "Normal Sadness"
THE SQUEEGEE MEN, "Fill Your Den With Liquor Using Food Stamps"
PEOPLE FROM TV, "Last of the Dancing Gypsy Bears"
THIS MAJESTIKAL ROOF, "With An LSD Girlfriend"
BLIND BEHEMOTH, “Ha Ha You Are a Slave”
HE WHO IS GOD HAS SAID IT, "Panic Inducing Marijuana"
THE ANTI-ROCK EQUATION, "Pass the Mighty Waterfall"
STABBITY MC STAB STAB STAB, "A Cat Named Frankenstein"
GOLD TOOTH FATTY, "Busy With Those Reefers"
THE BLOOD SURFERS, "Mr. Atomic Fireball"
TOOTHBREAKER, "Let Me Look Through Your Purse"
TURN ME ON DEAD MAN, "And They Are Mild"
FOOT OF ENGORGED BRAWN, "I Trust Diet Smith's Robot"
THE CARNY ELITE, "Daddy's Scratchy Face"
SOME DICKHEAD ACADEMIC, "The Lineaments of Gratified Desire"
SINISTER CHIPMUNKS, "Ten Times Bigger Than the Biggest Rat"
BOLSHEVIK EXPROPRIATORS CLUB, "Tender Effusions of Laxative Woodcocks"
THE TUFF-GUY HARDCORE SENSATIONS, "Thor's Ever-Loving Hammer"
THE INTERESTING LESBIANS, "Big Chief Hug 'Em and Kiss 'Em"
183 DIFFERENT BOZOS, "The Freeway Is Our Ashtray"
CELEBRITY KILLERS, "Our Religion Is Love"
THE HEAD DRIFTS TOWARD THE BOTTOM, "Baby Made a Boom-Boom"
THE THIRSTY GIANTS, "(Theme From) Godsmell"
BULLETPROOF WITCH, "Acid Dog"
DAGGER STAB LEGEND, "Zip-a-Dee-Dada"
THE ALCOHOLIC BEARS, "Let Unconquerable Gladness Dwell"
THE TEMPLE EXPLODES THE CHICKEN CUBE, "Liquor Store In Nox Town"
CARLOS MARCELLO AND THE LIVARSI NA PETRA DI LA SCARPA ORCHESTRA, "(And) The Hits (Keep Right on Coming)"
WHISTLING FACE SYNDROME, "A Rage to Die"
SCREAMING MONKEY HEAD, "Pimp and Circumstance"
HELLO BECOME LOVE GIANT!, "Just Let Me Put the Tip In"
DSM-IV, "The Colour of God"
PSYCHO KITTY AND THE POWER BIGOTS, "I Heart the South"
I GOT A HARD, "Tubular Smells"
FAITHFUL AND DISCREET SLAVE CLASS, "Alpha 66 Is Go"
CIGAR SMOKING ZOMBIES, "We Who Are Not We... And Yet "
UNCLE BENZEDRINE'S ALERTED RICE, "The Sugar Cube Ride"
THE FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTHS—“The Reason”
TRIPPY DINOSAUR--"The Fairy and the Zephyr"
THE SUNSHINE HIPSTERS—“Fun is Fun”
THE WHITE BEARDS—“Mr. Captain”
GENTLE BEN--"I Love Unicorns"
THE MARTYRS--"Life is Gray"
THE 8-TEENS--"It's All About Me”
THE SATANIC ROCKETS--"Napalm Conspiracy"
THE SPRINGTIMES--“Ride the Chopper”
THE SONIC BOOM—“Ready to Rock"
THE WAY COOL—“One Two”
THE FAMILY GARAGE--"Um..."
THE PRETEND--"Money for Rope"
MOLDY FIG & THE JAZZ REVIVAL --"Desusifunido"
SAURON’S FLAMING EYE--"When the Caissons Go Rolling Along"
HAPPY HIPPY AND HIS HOEDOWN HUMPERS--"Far Far Out"
THE BLACK BEARDS—“Making Cowboy Love”
DAD & THE SURFERS--"I Live in The Doghouse"
PERPETUAL SHEETS OF BLACK F*CKING RAIN--"Funny Ha Ha Ha"
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