I GIVE

God,

It’s me.  Been a while and I know you remember me.  But my vision’s hazy and my heart is weary so please be patient while I try to figure out who you are.  Oooops.  Therein lies a problem.  Not figure out but REALIZE. And not who you are but THAT you are. 

I don’t want to wager like Pascal.  No more half measures.  In order to survive, I need to surrender entirely to your will.  I’m eager and my abstinence may pay off in a positive way if I do so but me of little faith doubts.

However, I need patience to overcome my temporal trials, my intellect, and self righteousness.  I keep telling you ‘I give’ but that’s not enough so I pray by rote.   Now I’m praying from my head and not my soul.  You wait patiently as I seek you when your throne is atop my chest and still I’m playing dumb; or smart.  I can conceptualize the theories and principles of the twelve steps and even bullshit a bull shitter; myself.  Not anymore….

~The cold steel shovel ricochets in my firm grasp

Collides with granite stone that bears my name

Insides hollow, legs wobbly

I drop before my grave~

I’m not safe from myself.  I was aware of that much.  Now, thanks to exercising my judgment, I’m not safe from others.  I’m not a victim of circumstance for I invited the seedier element of Hollywood Park into my home; a home which has now been invaded. I have nothing left.  All of my material belongings are gone and I’m working on regaining my dignity as I attend meetings, pray, and write this.

I was stripped of my last shred of self worth when forced to take my clothes off.  Held hostage in my own car at blade point I stomached painful blows.  My life was threatened; literally when his crack cocaine went missing.  At least I got to gamble that night.

Gambling led to drugs this time.  I’ve been hooked on painkillers since I was a teenager but I took it to the nth degree.  I tried pretty much everything out there and was hooked on heroin on the first drop that flowed through my veins.  I concede. I’m an addict in the purest sense of the word for I need to escape.  Why?

I don’t fear death I fear life.  I fear happiness because that requires change.  Need I exorcise my cuddly familiar demons in order to achieve balance?  Even the word ‘balance’ scares me because I might lose it.   SO WHAT????   Better to have surrendered and been well then never to have known what serenity was.  I’ve lived and breathed life with a higher power though I always take back the reins.  ‘Sorry God, you forced me to face life without an escape mechanism and though you helped me cope, you didn’t let me self destruct.’  Then I gallop off into the gates of insanity.  Where I can play God while gambling with my life.

If there is a next time, I now realize my death won’t be glamorous or quick.

God,

Thank you for guiding me out of this chapter in my life.  I feel you now.  My mind’s at ease for the first time in weeks.  May I do your will always, not mine.