Marin deer conspiracy? (Humor)

Living next to the Golden Gate National Recreation Area has advantages: beautiful views, pristine nature and an opportunity to interact with the local fauna. When the Park Service sent out the map of the park boundaries, the deer apparently didn't get the memo. So they say.

We have a problem at our house. Well, it's more Diane's problem than mine as it was her project. I just supplied "the muscle," as we say in couch potato circles. The problem of which I speak concerns our flower garden — or lack thereof. I guess one's man's flower garden is another deer's buffet table.

Diane likes flower gardens. This spring she decided to take on the garden as a project. Projects are good. Whenever Diane has a project, she doesn't mind if football is on all day.

To populate the garden she bought quite a few plants and shrubs at Goodman Building Supply while I was drooling over power tools I had no use for but wanted to buy anyway. A man can't have too many power tools, just as a woman can't have too many shoes (Source: every woman I know.)

I can, should our insurance agent be reading this, attest to the fact that the plants were green and quite a number of them had white flowers. The operative words in that sentence are "were" and "had." The garden looked quite nice until the deer discovered it. We should have taken pictures.

Once a garden has been targeted by a member of Odocoileus hemionus(that's Latin for "Bambi ain't your friend no more"), you are in for a tussle, one in which the other side never quits.

I Googled "Help, deer are eating my flowers" and discovered we had four options. Fence the garden, scare the deer, make the garden unpleasant for the deer or choose plants deer don't like. I was surprised my first thought — shoot them — was not included. Something about zoning laws or discharging a firearm within city limits or animals are our friends — or maybe all three.

To keep deer out, a fence needs to be higher than the border fence being constructed between the United States and Mexico, though not as long. For shorter fences, visible obstacles, such as tall wooden stakes, in the landing zone can serve as a deer deterrent, as will a well-positioned howitzer, but then we run into those damn zoning laws again

To reallyscare a deer you need a tiger. If you can't get a tiger, the urine of any predator is pretty effective though getting it can be pretty dangerous. Short of diuretic jungle cats, a very loud random noise generator will work — until the neighbors come calling with pitchforks. Unchained dogs barking incessantly are also effective. Again, neighbors and pitchforks.

Choosing plants that deer don't like is a good idea if you haven't just spent the next decade's garden allowance on plants deer apparently adore.

There is a less expensive fencing solution that involves rolls of chicken wire, an industrial-size staple gun and lots of tree trunks. Diane motored right over to Goodman, got the necessary supplies and fenced in the wooded entrances to the property. (This was where I was called upon to supply "the muscle.")

As it happens, deer without antlers are pretty good at the limbo and the following week we found three small does in our recently deceased flower garden. They slipped in underthe chicken wire.

Taking a glass-half-full view, we had effectively protected the garden from 50 percent of the deer population. It was back to Goodman for metal posts to anchor the chicken wire to the ground in 12 strategic locations. Increasingly more muscle was called for, forcing me to Tivo the halftime cheerleader extravaganza.

Now we watch and wait. Actually we just wait because deer are too smart to drop in while we watch.

For three years we never saw deer one on our property; but a week after the Big Plant Purchase, we were the neighborhood all-you-can-eat salad bar. I wonder if the deer have a partner with inside information. Could that partner be someone who is also in the business of selling fencing? Just sayin'