Walking a lonely road

I am the mother of four living children, and two who died before I could hold them.   I am the grandmother of eleven living children I had 12 living until August 19th.   Then my grandson Gerrin was taken to heaven and someday is far away no matter what anyone says.

I and my husband tried to teach and raise our children right,  we made mistakes.  We raised them in a church that by 1980 I knew something was wrong but it took all of until 1993 to finally completely leave it.  It was a cult and HWA was a false prophet.  Sure he had truth in some of what he said and wrote and spoke about all religious orders do but he had a lot of false doctrine and teachings too.

My family was inter-dependant and we did things with our kids,  One good thing with the World Wide Church of God was we did travel to places we probably would never have gone to if we had not been in that church so long.  My husband was raised in it from a young child.  I came into it in my late teens.  We met at this church.   We got married against their wishes but were finally baptized a year and half after we got married.   I was pregnant with my second child.   Three months later James was born too early at 7.1 months of age.  He did not live, he lived for 4 hours.  My mom learned 10 years later from a nurse she became friends with that my son James could have and should have lived but we were on DSHS ( my husband had just got a job and had not yet got our first pay check.)

The DSHS office when called and told  I and my premie baby needed to be flown to Dormbecker hospital in Seattle area said to the staff "Let him die and tell the parents he was still born.  I KNEW he was not stillborn.  They would not let me see or hold him and put the bed rails up and forced a sedative shot on me and my baby lay in the delivery room for four hours alone and died.    So the govrnment participated in murder.  In the name of money.   Murder of a beloved and wanted baby boy.   He was born January 14th, 1972.   I mourned deeply and was sick.  My son Ray was not yet one year old.    Finally my doctor advised I try and have another child to not replace James but fill up empty hurting arms.  Ray was sweet and great and lovable but we wanted a brother or sister for him to play with.

I wanted 8 children but that never happened.   Daniel my third son was born December 9th 1972;  Yes I had two sons born in 1972.   My body was tired and needed a rest.   We were delighted with Dan but did not know back then he had scholiosis or mild spina bifida.   He was a cuddler while Ray was more independant.   Ray loved having a baby brother.

In 1974 September 25th my first Little man Jeremiah was born.  I called him little man because he looked like a wise wizend little man and was so tiny.   He was a delight to and each of my sons had different unique and wonderful personalities.   It was a delight watching them grow.   We then finally had our little girl Amaryah born January 31st 1976 and I got sick the last three weeks before she was born.   I nearly died and nearly lost her.   She was born at home in a snow storm the hospital was 45 miles away and no way we could get there on time.    Again I did not know until some years later but my mom was there and saw what was a smaller dead child another little girl who was stillborn and not as developed as my baby girl.   She did not tell me for a very long time.   She had wanted to take the afterbirth and everything to the doctor to examine but my dad took it out and burned it before she could say anything.   That explained my dream two weeks earlier of seeing two little girls holding hands walking up a hill when one little girl just faded away and disappeared leaving her sister alone and bewildered and sad.   So we lost Serenity Joi too my daughter's twin sister.

My children grew up and all married and all have children and things happened that caused our inter-dependant family to be torn apart.   My second oldest son went through a divorce he never wanted.  I am so appalled at the lies, half truths that go on in divorce and courts and the vindicitaveness of someone who was loving and then hateful.  Also at the prejudice toward men versus women.   A judge willing to believe mom is so pure and innocent but dad is a ogre and evil.   Or at times visa versa.   Makes me think married couples need to record and have copies of every day of their life.  And false witnesses OMG.   My sons attorney sold him out to the other side.  Lots of details.

My EX DIL was not evil just young, and immature and of course my son married her being "IN LOVE"  against all advice to wait at least one year.  Five years and two children later they were divorced and she had custody but barely as it was a pretty big toss up on who was the better parent.   But his attorney had to go back home having moved out of the area and only a few days after 9/11 so he could not fly. So the judge ruled for the mother and the kids suffered a lot of neglect and abuse for a few years but My EX DIL is growing up and more responsible now and my son did get lots of visititation but he is a sucker for hard luck stories and continues to go after questionable and abusive relationships.  He became this way when at age 19 he learned all his dreams and goals were no longer possible and he had to have back surgery and is disabled to work but did try while married and became injured again doing work his doctors told him NEVER to do so he could support his family.   I actually liked my ex DIL a lot and still do and she has been doing a better job with the kids and they see us often and their mom is generous.

My daughter married an atheist met him in school at a track meet and they dated through high school and married after she graduated he waited for her 2 years after he graduated and they have been married for almost 15 years and knew each other for 19 years now.   He started going to church with her when he third daughter was born and now he is a believer in Christ and God but not yet baptized but working on that.  He is a wonderful loving dad but does have some mental and emotional disabilities related to his childhood and slowly overcoming them.   We get along most the time well.   He is Gerrin's daddy and Gerrin was their first son after having four little girls.   Gerrin was daddy's shadow and the apple of daddy's eye he never in a million years would ever hurt any of his children.

Then my oldest son met a pretty faced red head young woman and smart both were in Law school and married her and they learned they were expecting twin little boys.  We were all anticipating loving those baby boys and then just about 5 or 6 weeks before term my poor daughter in law lost those sweet babies they were still born and tragedy struck again and hurt my son and his wife and all of us deeply and forever.   They did go on to have another son and like me did not wait over long and Liam was born a sweet little boy and delight of his parents heart and grandparents as well.   Then they got two other children due to their parents inability to care for them properly so we have two other grandchildren who are not blood related but still grandchildren of the heart.  These children are Wilmamary's grandchildren too and she loves them to pieces and she has been a great friend to me these past few weeks.   She knows the hurt of losing grandchildren as she too lost those twin little boys.  Cameron and Grahame who are also with Jesus in heaven with uncle James, Aunt Serenity and now Gerrin.

Jeremiah my youngest son married my oldest sons wife's best friend and they had a little girl so far and went through some hard times and trials and troubles concerning her but  have worked through it.  But hurt was done to all the family, due to mis understanding and a lot of mis information given by CPS to some of us.    Some of us are now estranged from one another so the hurt of the family and reconciliation is one of my hopes, dreams and prayers daily.  I did my part to contribute to some of the hurt and would love to make amends and it is due to information given by CPS and others outside the family.  I am to the point our legal and court system is very very very broken and evil and a destroyer of families and it is an instrument of Satan who hates humanity and families.    I want my family healed and made well and loving one another again totally.

I love all my children and thier spouses and children and like any parent want the best for them.  My second oldest son is in yet another relationship that is on quite shakey ground and we don't know if it will work or not, he believes he loves her and visa versa. We can just pray as it has been an on again off again relationship for sometime  I think so many people should get counseling when they end relationships or they just fall into the same trap again and again.

So the family that used to be whole, loving, inter-dependant have fallen apart and lots of hurt and some of my children no longer believe in God or more actually organized religions and I don't blame them for that.   I too am about sick of organized so called goody two shoe religious organizions that are all talk and little action and are in my personal opinion living a life.  Wolves some, Tares others,  Goats others yet.   then some true sheep.   Sad and this world and government is sadder and much less tolerant of others than they used to be.  Even down right hateful, vengeful and spiteful.

In June my husband learned he has a heart problem and many here prayed for us and him and he is better as long as he does not over do, takes his meds and rests and does not over stress and is in fact much better.   But then August 19th the worst nightmare of my and all our life occured and we lost our sweet beloved four year old grandson and we are going through so many emotions and problems and other things piled on top,  legal problems for my son in law and daughter.  Unresolved legal problems my husband and I were facing already,  delays and problems and financial hardship now compounded and it seems everything is piling up.    So I am wondering if God is even listening or cares at all anymore.  I know the "Churches" we attend sure don't give a hoot.  They did their good pat on the backs deeds for all to see and refuse to help or do more and we are not allowed to attend one church and the other is not able to help due to some organizational headquarters policy.   Seems these churches hold out their hand over and over again and many help but when it comes to one of thier own hurting suddenly we are just not important and NO ONE can or will help they say "anything we can do, just ask,  We did, my daughter did and then oh well no not that we just can't.  More like won't.   So that is probably why Christ asked if he would find Faith.  I believe the Bible, and God and Christ but the religious churches of this day and age are more like a business and only help a few select click they are in. their good buddies and close friends and the missionary work or the do goody for the world to see and oh and ah over and comment what a wonderful church they are but they ignore the scriptures about taking care of thier own and especially those of the household of faith.

So I just am tired of Religion totally and as to God well not sure if he is listening anymore and I asked him why and said anything I might be doing to help me change it and to forgive me of anything that is a sin or problem.    But so far things are worse or the same in some areas.  Seems they get better then we just get slapped down again.    So not sure where to go or turn and losing Gerrin has about tore my heart to pieces and I have pretty much decided I don't trust God at all anymore and it was very hard for me to get to where I had over the years.   So that is where I am needing to rebuild my trust and faith and aching and wondering and praying and not giving up just sad and confused.    Is it even worth it anymore at all?     My faith has been shattered and broken and trust as well.  I feel broken and need God if he really loves me to put his arms around me and my family and help us to know what to do and how and when.    Please God send us a few miracles even small ones.   I do believe in God and that Jesus is coming back with his kingdom I just wish it would be here sooner.

Going to church has lost its flavor there are so many things we know through prayer, studying, fasting and mediting that chuches don't follow in the bible that we can't find a good satisfactory fellowship, there is always someone with a personal agenda or control issue and  they pick ONE scripture or two and ignore the rest.  How stupid.  That is like looking at a puzzle piece and saying you see the whole picture.    But that is how most religious groups are now it seems and there is little love or respect or honor or tolerance anymore.   No wonder we need Jesus so badly to come straighten us all out.   No wonder the world is jaded, vengeful, hateful and spiteful.    Chrisitanity is not even true to their own Faith much anymore.