What NOT To Say To A Cancer Patient

As many of you know, my husband, MIL and BIL are all battling cancer.  My SIL had lung cancer last year and is a proud survivor today.  My aunt lived into her late 90s after a hysterectomy and double mastectomy.  With so many cancer patients in my life, I learned what to say - and what NOT to say.

I recently stumbled upon a USA Today article that sums it up perfectly.  To  use an old expression, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  We might mean well but our words may actually be upsetting to a cancer patient. 

Here are a few of my own personal suggestions for what NOT to say to a cancer patient:

- Are you dying? (Yes, I heard this recently and my hair stood on end.)

- How long did the doctors give you?  (Another I heard and almost could not believe my ears.)

- My aunt/father/cousin died from that type of cancer! (What purpose does this serve other than to relieve you and stress out the patient?)

- You MUST try this healing herb, potion, lotion, concoction, etc. (No cancer patient wants your opinions shoved down their throat.  ASK rather than tell and you are sure to communicate your point better when the patient is ready to hear it.)

- I had cancer/someone else with detailed explanations about your woes and treatment.  (Unless the patient asks specifically, don't share the sordid deals - after all, it's ALL about the PATIENT.)

- Don't worry, it will be alright.  (Cancer patients have a right to worry or feel anything else they want and how do you know it will be alright?  These are empty words with little meaning.)

- God has a plan for you.  (A truth but not necessarily the way or time to present it - cancer patients are consumed with day-to-day survival and can't devote energy to some future "plan" at the moment.)

- I feel so sorry for you.  (Hold your tears and sympathy, would you want to be pitied?)

What can you do to help?  Offer a simple prayer of thanks and hope.  Touch the patient and don't be afraid of their appearance.  Hug, kiss and show lots of love.  Most of all, LISTEN to the patient.  Plenty of people caretake and offer advice but how many REALLY listen?  When you listen to the patient, you are better able to offer real assistance.