Ugly Is As Ugly Is!

I guess it’s just human nature to want to put a positive face or slant on things, and nowhere is that any more obvious than when you talk about something being ugly. People will wince when you say the word, talk around it, or start rattling off something like, “…but she has such a pleasing personality and record of accomplishment.” Anytime you hear that particular line you know that “so-and-so” is uglier than yesterday’s laundry, and that’s me being charitable about it. In fact, people so much want to avoid ugliness that there’s a three-legged mythology that’s been built around it. And now, for everyone’s edification (I love that word), here’s the three-legged “ugly” mythos – its three legs are:

1. There’s no such thing as an ugly baby. 

2. Brides are always beautiful. 

3. The animal kingdom is a beautiful example of the harmony that exists within nature. 

Now, here’s the reality regarding each….

1. There’s no such thing as an ugly baby.

We all know that this is a lie. There are some ugly assed babies now, there have been some ugly assed babies in the past, and we all know that there will be even more ugly assed babies in the future. I can understand how no one wants to tell a new mother and father that their baby is a 3 bagger, but c’mon now. How many times have one of us been all hyped up to meet the newest member of the family or some new neighbor’s kid or something. We’ve gotten all dressed up, bought a gift, and then showed up wherever in order to see the new arrival. Then, when the baby was brought out or we were taken to its crib, we’d look at it and think, “Oh God, what an ugly assed baby!” Even as that thought crossed our minds we forced ourselves to keep smiling and murmuring about just how precious they were, even though we’d seen National Geographic Specials with hyena pups in them that were more appealing. When we finally left and were on our way home, we’d say something guarded like, “Well, that baby sure had strong lungs and a lot of character, didn’t it?” Even as we said that we were simultaneously thinkin’, “Yeah, and it was sure an ugly assed baby, too!” We probably also thought, “You know, that kid is never gonna grow out of that kinda ugly. He’s gonna be an ugly kid, then an ugly teenager, and finally an even uglier adult. If he’s lucky and ends up with a really big dick or lots of money, then he’ll have some kids of his own, and, chances are, one or more of them will be an ugly azzed little schitt just like him.”

So yes, there are ugly assed babies and always will be. Y’all want more proof? Hey, just ask yourselves why you were smiling as you read the above? Hmmm?

2. Brides are always beautiful.

The saying “brides are always beautiful” should be amended to say, “brides are always beautiful is always bulldookie!” Hey, we all know it’s a lie, I mean, how many times have we heard someone say something like this, “Oh, Jessy Belle Stewart is going to get married. Hasn’t she always been the most wonderful girl? I’ll bet she’ll make a very fine and glowing bride!” All the while you hear this you’re outwardly smiling and inwardly thinking to yourself, “Yep, and she has two crooked teeth that you could cut open a Coors can with, eyes more crossed than a railroad crossing sign, and enough heft to give extra ballast to the Space Shuttle. She’s not pretty now, she never has been, and she’s just gonna be one more big, ole ugly gal in a wedding dress.” Of course, we’d never say anything like that out loud, but cases like this are the one time where you’re truly glad for the wedding veil itself, as it’ll usually take about 40-60% out of the direct facial exposure one must endure when ole Jessy Belle clomps up the aisle. Bottom line, even a pretty wedding dress can’t fix terminal level ugly and shouldn’t be expected to. But the lie regarding brides itself is a sweet, well intended one that makes lots of money for bridal-themed businesses.

3. The animal kingdom is a beautiful example of the harmony that exists within nature.

My God, there’s no bigger Darwinist situation in the world than there is in the animal kingdom! People talk all the time about how beautiful animals are in the wild and how we should protect them, and sure, there’s some truth in that. What’s also true is that the animal kingdom is a continual food chain from top to bottom, and the way those beautiful animals have stayed beautiful is by eating the smaller ones who couldn’t defend themselves against their attacks. The animal kingdom is vicious, literally dog eat dog, and there’s no room for the weak or disabled there. Bottom line, we should treat animals with respect, but to make them out to be defenseless beauties that Disney films are made of is just hogwash. The thing that’s most beautiful about the animal kingdom is that we all don’t have to live out in it, if we did we’d be lucky to survive even a month, especially if gorillas, alligators, elephants, or great white sharks were in the vicinity.

Now, can we charitably say that ugly is ugly is ugly? And maybe that’s not such a bad thing if we all do a little thinkin’ about it. Face it, if we didn’t have some ugly amongst us, then there wouldn’t be horror movies, scarecrows, or German porno films, and just think what a great a loss to the world that would all be. We also wouldn’t know if something was really good lookin’ as we wouldn’t have something to compare it off against. So y’all see, ugly is good, ugly is wonderful, and ugly is necessary, and y’all can roast my azz about saying all this below….